AIBU to go to a concert while my husband’s mum is dying?

When I was in similar situation this year I went on the fun trip rather than lose about £2k (expensive activities and accommodation and travel booked, didn't chevk my travel policy as it was the activities costing the most and that wasnt covered). In the end DHs parent died in the end just before so he came with me.

Didn't see the point in sitting around at home moping. I loved my in law but whether I went on the trip wasn't going to change their prognosis and I wasn't sitting at their deathbed anyway.

There is not caring, which is understandable and there is demonstrating, in your face, that you are not caring. It is not about your MiL, it is about your husband. If he is normal, he will interpret it as normal people do, i.e. not caring about him.

Also, you can't babysit your friend for ever. Her mental health is nothing to do with you. Actually, the sooner you stop being her crutch, the sooner she may find someone else to share her life with. What is the equivalent of cockblocking for women - that is what you are doing with your concerts and holding her hand. A disservice.

Personally I would stay with my DH, make it clear that I'm there to support him. I would mention that you're friend is upset you won't go with her but that he comes first. If he says no, just go, then feel free to just go. If he says something like "yeah it must be disappointing for her" then obviously don't go.

It's hard to say from your OP as you didn't mention once if you had discussed this with your DH, how he feels about his mum and the whole situation about this etc etc. I feel you may be slightly dismissive of theimportance of this to him due to being unable to relate, as you put it.
It sounds like he really loves her and has a great relationship with her if he's always there with her at the hospice,.

I would consider how you would look back on this in say 5-10 years time; are you glad you went to the concert or are you glad you stayed by your husband's side while his mother was dying?

Black humour at its best.

Can you postpone. While tickets are usually non refundable, they may offer to exchange them for another day given the circumstances.

I think you should stay behind and support your husband.

I'm so sorry to hear about your parents but it has no bearing on this situation.

These are close to my own thoughts. You talk about your non-relationship with your MiL, your friends MH needs etc, and very little about your DH.

He sounds very close to his mum, if he sees her several times a week. This is a heartbreakingly sad, pivotal moment in his life. You absolutely should cancel the concert and just be ready to be there for him, whatever shape that takes.

I'm saying that assuming that this concert means a bit more time away than just nipping out locally for a couple of hours, in which case, it's probably a reasonable thing to go ahead and do.

Does it mean an overnight stay?

Yes. Even if he didn't want you in the room, if you'd not been nice to her, you should be around for whenever he needs you. You don't say why you don't have a good relationship with her, OP, but he's probably already upset about that, if he thinks it is at least partly your fault. If my husband hadn't got on well with my mum, I'd be mad enough, and if he disappeared to a concert, or even considered it, that would be it.

AbbA Voyage is pretty crap, but that's not the point. I'm not sure I could go to some frollicky superficial, fake lame 'concert' over supporting my dh in his hour of need. I genuinely think this could break up your marriage in the longer run. I suppose some people don't care, what kind of person is your husband OP? Is he someone who enjoys closeness and human company? If he is, don't go out. Your friend is in a bad place but I'm afraid your spouse's parent's death trumps her need for a night out. Any friend who doesn't understand and support you in this isn't really a friend.

You need to ask him as pp's have said. Does he have siblings and other family that would be with him? Be prepared to cancel on your friend. It doesn't matter if you're close to your MiL, your husband needs support, and at least needs to know you're willing to give support.

Your friend surely would understand the circumstances if you have to cancel, tell her now that you might not make it.
And be careful how you word it to your husband so you don't come off insensitive. If he knows you'd rather go to the concert with your mate he'll pick up on it, and resentment could come out later.

Wow. So thoughtless .

Go unless it’s hours to live. Can’t put life on hold could be weeks. But really just ask your husband not mumsnet.

You shouldn't have to ask him. That's asking for permission to go and if you have to ask, you know it's not right. He's got enough on his plate. Just be there and available for him. I couldn't be at a joyful night out knowing my husband was dealing with one of the hardest times in his life.

If my husband left my side to go to a concert whilst my Mother was actively dying regardless of his relationship with her I’d never forgive him.

The only way I would go would be if my partner absolutely insisted that he'd rather be alone when I told him I was cancelling.

Your relationship with your MIL is neither here nor there, this is about being there for your partner during one of the most difficult times of his life.

Regardless of her mental health, your friend would be completely unreasonable to complain about you cancelling in this scenario.

Depends for me. If you live in London and we're talking 3-4 hours out, the odds are quite slim that anything will happen while you are out. If your plan was a mid afternoon meet, pre-gig meal and/or a hotel stay then definitely not.

I don't think I'd go. Your Mother in law could pass at any time.

If I was in your DH position I'd probably tell you to go, because even by asking you'd be telling me you want to go and I'd feel like a burden saying I wanted your support.

If it was my DH I wouldn't even think of going. Your relationship with your MIL is neither here nor there. You're putting supporting your friend above supporting him. What if she died while you were at the concert and you couldn't hear the phone because the music was too loud and you were too busy singing along to ABBA?

YABU.

Abba voyage isn't even a special concert, it's a show, you can literally go all year round.

I’m amazed you’re even considering going.
There will always be concerts, gigs, But your husband is about to face losing his mum. And you are seriously weighing up his grief against a few hours at a gig? Wow.

I wouldn’t leave my dh coming back to an empty home after watching his mum die.
If he was seeing her several times a week, they are/were quite close. It’s going to be a schock fur him.

Id be very careful about asking him.
On paper, it could allow you to judge what’s working fir him.
In reality, he might well tell you it’s ok fur you to go to the concert even if he prefers you to be close/at home. Esp if he has people pleasing tendencies.

My MIL died earlier this year and I can't even phathom considering going to a concert in this situation!

Just ask him.
If it were my partner, i'd tell him to just go as he couldn't really do anything anyway.

The other side of the coin is your friend.

I get you want to support her and her MH is fragile.
I get you don’t want to hurt her.
But some things are not things you can change or plan for. Having a close family member dying is one of those things.
It would normal for her to be disappointed. But her not going to the concert is not your responsibility.
You need to find tge courage to tell her, however uncomfortable it is.

I wouldn’t mention or bring up the concert to him. I would say you were going out for a bit and that if anything was going on i.e her passing away then to message/call straight away and you’ll be there for him