AIBU to go to a concert while my husband’s mum is dying?

Absolutely! Spouse before friends. But this is only what normal people think. Just wait, you will be corrected by weirdos (obviously unmarried) explaining, that friends are just 'the family you make for yourself'. Aye. Right.

This, I’m pretty sure my husband would tell me to go

Regardless of your relationship with your MIL, I wouldn’t want my husband out on a night out with his mates when my parent was dying. So I wouldn’t do that to him.

It’s that simple. It doesn’t matter if he needs or you not, he might need you, and you are unavailable for essentially a shite reason.

People who wouldn’t leave their husband - do you not go out in the day/go to work? When my MIL was terminally ill both my husband and I still had to go to work, he might, if he’d wanted to, been allowed by his work to sit around waiting for her to die but I wouldn’t have been. I know a concert isn’t the same but the impact is the same ie not being there all the time.

I think it’s bloody weird you’ve written long waffly reams about your friend and her angst over lack of children but don’t actually mention how your DH is coping and what he wants. Does he have anyone else with him. ? Is he sleeping at the hospice? What’s he eating? Would you not want to get him some dinner ready for when he comes home. I think you’re coming across as excessively cold about the relationship with your MIL and the profound nature of this death on your life partner.

Really? You can’t see how this is an entirely different and incomparable situation than going to work? It’s about reading the fucking room for Gods sake.

@HonestGoldAnt , your question is absolutely shocking to me. Shocking. Clearly your husband is close to his mother and she is dying, your place right now is to be available to him, he may say he doesn’t need you but that may be because he doesn’t want to burden you. You just need to be there if he asks for you. This is part of the contract we have with our partners, we lean on them sometimes and sometimes they lean on us, we’re a team and we support each other.
Your friend, if they truly are a friend will understand this and in any case your husband’s needs trump your friend’s every single time.
Personally I think you just don’t want to miss out on ABBA Voyage (which is a great show, I’ve been twice) if that’s the case I feel so sorry for your poor husband stuck in a relationship with someone who doesn’t comprehend what it really means to love someone.

I wouldn’t be asking him because I would want to be there for him. I can’t imagine not being there.

I would have the conversation with your DH and see how he felt but if I were him I'd say you should go. I don't think the world should stop turning because someone is dying, especially an older person who has lived a full life. Its the natural order of things.

Give your friend a heads up today you may need to cancel so she can start looking for a back up

It depends what he would like. Your husband is your priority at this difficult time, not your friend. Hopefully he will say “yes, go” but if he’s struggling he may not say that and…well…that’s marriage. Imagine if he went to a gig with his friend while your mum was dying.
Women friends with mental health problems tend not to like it when you put your husband first in my experience. But that’s what marriage is.

@HonestGoldAnt , this poster makes excellent points.

It would be down to if your husband needs you there right now.

When my parent was dying with days to live they lived for an extra month. I never would have expected my husband to be there constantly just in case.

Very unfair comment. All OP has done is provide insightful info so that we understand the back story.....

A concert is definitely not the same . There is a difference between shaking your arse off at a concert while your spouses parent is dying to earning a living.

Having recently gone through my mother being in a hospice and her death, don’t go, be there for your husband.

It is the most awful time, even if you’re not majorly close to your Parent and being alone whilst going through that would be even more awful. I am so thankful my husband was there for me during those final few weeks.

It’s not unfair, it’s true .

Also, being asked what you want when you are losing a loved one is really unhelpful. It is so difficult make decisions when you are dealing with something like this. You making a decision to be there for him would be so much better than asking him to make a decision but whether you should go or not.

People who have to swear to make a point are very rarely listened to. What an utter gob shite. I bet people hide from you when they see you out and about.

There was a recent one where a male poster didn't cut short his overseas business trip in the exact same scenario.

Sorry OP, but everything you've said sounds like you're trying to justify being there for your friend, rather than your DH, which in this situation I think is very selfish, unless your DH has told you to go ahead as there's nothing you can do. However, supposing his poor Mum dies while you're at the concert, and he can't get hold of you .................. think about how you would feel if the situation was reversed. Then ask him what he would like. Husband's come before friends in the pecking order, unless of course you're not happy in your marriage.

This.

To all those saying going is unacceptable - in this scenario I’d send DH to the gig as I’d rather be sad alone or I’d be with my dad and sister anyway. (As it actually happens, he is close to my mum and would probably be too sad himself to go, but putting that aside).

On the other hand, DH would very much want me there and I’d be happy to honour that. I think the grieving person gets first pick on what they want and others should accommodate within reason.

And how did that one go down?

I think this is one where it entirely depends on the individuals involved. There isn’t an objectively right or wrong answer.

I’d prioritise my DH over my friend, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I wouldn’t go to the concert. It would depend on what he needed. When I was in the same position with one of my parents dying, I wanted everything to carry on as normal as far as possible - I wouldn’t have wanted my partner to cancel a night out. But different people will want different things.

If he wants you there for him, you’re frankly a terrible wife if you can’t prioritise your dh at this time, no matter what else is going on- your friends mental health will have to cope.