Am I being stupid and potentially leaving myself in a vulnerable position?

You have the wake up call you need, OP but I would not do anything hasty. You are currently living rent-free (albeit in a terrible house in a grim area). You are living off savings and depleting your assets but your assets will deplete faster if you move out and have to rent.
Here’s what I would do. Firstly get a fulltime job. Any job. Make that your number one priority. Stop living off your savings. Amass as much savings as you can as soon as you start working. Get good financial advice and ensure your savings are working as hard as possible while still within the risk parameters you are comfortable with. Look at your budget and if you can’t afford something, tell him you don’t want to pay for it and would prefer to do without. Protect your future deposit at all costs. Don’t ask him to buy anything, pay for anything or repair anything. Just keep building your savings and looking for promotions/ better jobs. Don’t be deflected by any arguments and if he gets aggressive or unpleasant or tries to make you pay rent, then don’t tell him what you are doing. But just keep doing it. Once you have amassed enough for a property, you can either buy or continue to save until you feel ready to move out. It may be that knowing you have enough to support yourself in future will take the pressure off and you may decide the rent free living arrangements work for both of you. But don’t compromise your future.

There is nothing that the op has said to suggest this is the case though (it could be we don’t know)

Well, as the only one responsible for you is you, as you are unmarried, I'd try and get a full time stable job as soon as possible

Which is why my initial post asked that very question - this was in response to someone suggesting by asking that I was saying she shouldn’t pay bills

Tell him straight that you aren't dumping him, you are dumping his disgusting bathroom. Personally? I would end the relationship : I'm worth more than that.

Forgive my directness but how very 'dog in a manger' of him! He gets 50% discount on everything AND his own property if it breaks down AND I'll bet you cook, clean and wash for him too!

PLEASE get yourself sorted financially and do not rely on a man who is basically giving you the 'how long is a piece of string' response when you try to pin him down on committment (which you deserve BTW).

He sounds deeply complacent but you can't afford to be at this stage of your life.

Love is deeds as well as words.

Yes, you are being unreasonable to stay in this situation. You are extremely vulnerable. Can you buy yourself another smaller place? If you can't afford to do that, I would try to find a rental that you can afford. A man is never a plan.

Darling, if he was going to propose, he would have done it by now. Please don't tie your self worth to his actions.

'he was really upset'--I'll bet he was. He's currently getting all the benefits of a live in gf plus help with finances. Let him be upset all he wants. Not your problem. Your problem is that you have no security in case things go south.

Not at all. Sometimes we all need an outside perspective but I suspect we are all just confirming what you already know deep down x

You can 'hope' all you want, but I can tell you right now he's never going to commit. The years are going to fly by even faster for you (I'm 67 now and it feels like an hour ago that I was 50) and you need to shake him off and get yourself set up in a secure situation.

You're going to be even more cross when you're really old and totally fucked. And you will be if you don't get out. Why in the world would he commit to you? He's already tested you for 5 years and seen that you don't value yourself. Why should he?

You need to buy a property for yourself. In your current situation you are vulnerable a) if he dies, because you aren't married. b) he's calling the shots basically, he can't be arsed to fix the ensuite. That upsets you AND makes you too anxious to insist. You talk about marriage, he isn't bothered. He's basically ignoring your concerns, thoughts and feelings. I would be more bothered by b) to be honest.

I used to roll my eyes at my grandfather when he said I shouldn't have moved in with my boyfriend. (What do old people really know anyway, haha?) He'd ask me: "Why would a man buy a cow when he's getting the milk for free?" But you know what, I've apologized to my grandfather (even though he's long gone and I'm a grandmother myself now) because he was right. If a woman wants marriage, she shouldn't ever move in with her man until the knot is tied. I'd never do it again. (and yes, I know there are exceptions, but still)

You can make a cohabitation agreement and wills, and if he doesn't agree to this, its a deal breaker ,I'd say. I know its hard, but you're not happy and he's not making you feel secure, is he? Its immature of him, and its doing your future self a disservice to carry on as you both are.
Has he got family you can talk to about it? Invest your hard cash in something long term, a 5 year investment. Get some free advice. Do SOMETHING , and you won't feel so rubbish.
Its none of his business what you do with your other money if you're paying your way in this arrangement.
Has he got kids and an unfinished business with an ex ,who will inherit ?

...a job in the council or NHS with a pension ideally. OP, You are running out of time to take a mortgage into retirement, which is possible, if u have enough occupational pension to see you through to aged 70/75

...a job in the council or NHS with a pension ideally. OP, You are running out of time to take a mortgage into retirement, which is possible, if u have enough occupational pension to see you through to aged 70/75

So raise your standards and get yourself out of this vulnerable position. Buy a property and either move into it or rent it out. No point coasting when you can take control
of your life. You dp won’t make sure you’re ok, so you need to. Don’t be in a position where you’re looking back on 2 abusive relationships.

You can still date him but please ensure financial stability always.

Words are easy, it's actions that count.

He doesn’t sound that great. Get yourself your own place. Seriously.

What an arsehole, letting his gf live rent free for 5 years....

He won’t give her equity because she hasn’t contributed towards the acquisition of the home or increased its value (hence his refusal to allow her to contribute to home improvements)

She has only lived with him for 4.5 years and simply paid half of living expenses, no doubt reducing her own expenses living in a single person household considerably.

She hasn’t contributed towards the home and is not entitled to a share of an asset he acquired before she came along.

I am shocked how many people here think he should give her a share in this asset. I fully understand why he is reluctant to marry her: He is worried about losing the house he has bought and paid for, if their relatively short relationship breaks down.

Does he have children? I expect he intends to leave this asset to his children in the event of his death.

OP needs to take advantage of the financial help he is giving her by allowing her to live in his house, presumably rent free, and accumulate her own wealth from her full time work. Buying another smaller flat would have been a good idea on the sale of the former matrimonial home and is something to consider now.

Would OP consider buying a percentage share of her partners property by giving him the proceeds of her house sale/ ISAs? A bad idea in my opinion, as releasing her asset from the house in the case of breakup would be reliant upon him being able to buy her back out.

He is no more a monster than she is, hoping to receive security from and a share of something she didn’t contribute to in return for a pretty short relationship. Neither has any obligation to provide for the other.

It is not financial abuse. You are no more vulnerable now than you were before he let you move in with him, presumably rent free? He probably feels as though he’s giving you a good deal. You haven’t given him the proceeds of sale from your former home, have you? If you have, then disregard the rest of this post.

Has he ever said he intends to give his estate to you, if he dies? Does he not have children who would expect to inherit his property in the event of his death?

You have a relatively short relationship and have brought nothing financial into it. So I am not sure why you are hoping for any financial security from it.

I agree with PP. You must continue to take responsibility for yourself. The idea of a shared ownership purchase might be worth considering.

If he has children, I would fully expect them to inherit his house when he dies and they will no doubt give you notice to leave. Their relationship with him is much longer established and you asking him to marry and make a will must surely be giving him red flags!

He has no obligation to house you. If he doesn’t have children, you perhaps have a better chance of persuading him that being his relatively short term partner entitles you a share of such a substantial asset that he has probably paid towards during most of his adult life. The divorce courts would consider a marriage of 5 years to be short in duration, so each party would be likely to take out what they brought in, unless they have children together, which you don’t. If you had been living together for 30 years, the position might feel different. I just think it’s too soon to be seeking financial and housing security from this man, so you need to make your own plans.

He will not be allowing you to contribute towards home improvements, as anything that you contribute towards that increases the value (so it needs to be more than just decorating etc) could give you a claim towards a share of the house. At the moment, you have no claim, as you’ve contributed nothing.

Please consider if the roles were reversed. Imagine a man in his 50s moved in with you, but retained the proceeds of sale from his former home for himself. You bought the house you now live in and paid off the mortgage with your hard earned cash some time ago. You probably want your children to inherit your property asset, but this boyfriend of 4.5 years thinks he should have the house if you die or at least be allowed to live in it, preventing it passing to your children for potentially 30-35 years. He can earn good money, but his income is sporadic as he hasn’t secured a permanent job yet. Everyone would call him a grifter. The fact he is pressuring you to marry him or make a will would send your family and friends into a complete frenzy to LTB!

I think not mentioning HIS CHILDREN in the opening original comment , then bringing them in several comments later has confused a lot of us into thinking that he's coasting along , not wanting to discuss the future, but in fact he probably finds it difficult to put into words something that is obvious for parents, is that the kids come first.

Trying to explain that to someone who it seems doesn't have such concerns is probably very difficult and risks breaking the relationship, which is what you're considering.

Having said that, he could make a cohabitation agreement through a solicitor that you have permission to live there after his death for a certain length of time, as long as you pay the maintenance, then the house would be sold to go to his children.

In my work, I have seen this, where there are no children, but adult siblings who stand to inherit, but permission is granted to remain housed in a deceased partner's home.

You need to maybe sign some declaration that if you do fix things now, like the en suite, that you don't make a claim on the property if you split up. Meanwhile invest your money elsewhere so you have independent means. That would be very adult.

What would also be very adult is to EDIT YOUR ORIGINAL POST TO MENTION HIS CHILDREN !
We're being mis-led otherwise.