Am I being stupid and potentially leaving myself in a vulnerable position?

Not if shes spent them all on somewhere to live. In which case she's totally entitled to benefit from the system she has presumably paid into all her life, until she is able to get back on her feet.

Benefits are there for people who need them when they need them.hopefully she won't need them for long.

She can get a job - it’s not OK to recommend leeching off the taxpayer when that person is capable of working.

Why would she spend all her deposit on living and then go on benefits rather than get a job?

👏 👏 👏

I feel like I'm being gaslit honestly. How can people see financial abuse when she gave up her job, moved in far too early, doesn't work regularly, pays no housing costs and 50% of bills?

I agree he doesn't come across well in getting angry at her renovation suggestions but I suspect that's his way of stopping any contributions to his asset that may muddy the waters of his children's inheritance.

She has said she can afford a mortgage. She already floated the idea of her buying her own place and he got mad. She needs to do that, now. I cannot see any reasonable arguments against her making sure she is set property wise in the future.

Who is talking about bargaining chips? How is her procuring a property a “bargaining chip”?

In her third post she says she can't get a mortgage as she doesn't have a job / income. So she has a deposit but wouldn't be able to buy.

Nobody suggested otherwise. But making your party live in a mouldy environment, shouting at them when they suggest fixing it and getting mad when they want to rectify their own assets situation by throwing a tantrum when they want to buy a property of their own isn’t showing love.

I am not sure this needs a pattern. Shouting at me for wanting to do something about mould is not a reasonable reaction.

But she is working on getting a job - she has the deposit so a mortgage will be fairly easy wants she gets a job. But she needs to do that asap is my point. How he feels about her getting a separate property is irrelevant as her just continuing as she is leaves her in a vulnerable position.

And tbh if she wants marriage and he does not she should have left years ago.

She's paying 50% of bills only, not anything to the house... she's not paying rent or mortgage

There's another thread on here where a man moved in with his partner early, pays his way but doesn't work very much and has apparently drained his savings to ensure that he's not a financial burden. He is apparently abusive and financially controlling. Now this OP is doing the same and she's a victim of financial abuse? Goodness me, the double standards are horrifying.

Don't see the five years as a failure. You've probably saved more money than if you were living alone, you've had some nice times in your relationship, you showed it was possible to move on from your ex.

But yeah it sounds like it's run its course and that he's not all that.

Get yourself a buy to let with your funds.

Is it the same people who are expressing double standards or different people having different views on the topic?

No, he’s not incredible. He’s just another man who doesn’t care enough about his OH (Im not saying partner as he isn’t behaving like a partner) to hear her concerns, or to want her to have a clean, sanitary home.

I know it’s hard but you need to value yourself more and put yourself first. I absolutely would be moving out and into my own place. If he doesn’t like that, tough, it tells you all you need to know.

Exactly this, because we're all a monolith on Mumsnet it seems.
Equally we are all on universal credit and also earning £200k pa at the same time .

As well as paying half the bills, are you doing all the cooking and cleaning?

Kind, caring, lovely to me.

But he yells at you when you suggest doing up the bathroom? Ok...

Well I think it depends how this goes. If the op has done nothing to help keep it clean and now expects him to fork out for a new bathroom and won’t stop going on about it then I can see why he yelled. If she just reasonably mentions that the bathroom might need replacing and he instantly starts yelling then that’s not nice

You make it sound like paying half the bills is unreasonable.

You've been living in his house rent and mortgage free for 5 years. I don't think he owes you any security. Those rent free 5 years should have been an opportunity for you to build up some savings or assets of your own.
If you came here saying my boyfriend has been living in my house for 5 years, he hasn't had to pay rent as my mortgage is paid, just his 50/50 split of the bills but now he's worried he has no stake in the home I bought and paid off before I met him so he wants to marry the comments would be absolutely slating him. Cocklodger they'd be saying. Don't marry him, protect yourself they'd say.
The only time someone should have a stake in a house they didn't pay for is if they lost income to care for joint children.

Wild horses wouldn’t keep me in this pretty awful relationship.
His actions speak louder than words plus if he dumped you tomorrow you’d have no claim or protection.
Leave on your own terms while you’ve still got some savings left.

No, but doing all the cooking and cleaning is - and may be why he doesn't want her moving out - she's his free housekeeper

She already floated the idea of her buying her own place and he got mad.

No he hasn't, she said she would move out into her own flat and he got really upset, like they were breaking up. I'm sure he wouldn't be upset with her buying a flat to rent out as an asset for her to own, but that isn't what she has said, it's either marriage, civil partnership, change his will to leave some of his assets to her or she moves out into her own flat.. how is that not a threat?.. oh yes, she is a woman so it doesn't count.

There's no need to re-write what OP herself has said.

And with regards the mould, OP has been there 4 fucking years.. they have BOTH let that bathroom get into a disgusting state, coming on here to say she wants a new bathroom after leaving the last one to rot would not go down well with me either to be fair.

I think OP should leave personally, she isn't going to get what she wants out of this relationship because he seems to have his head screwed on.

I don't see how anyone can think any different to you!!!

Rent / mortgage free for FIVE YEARS!
Half bills - more than fair