Am I being stupid and potentially leaving myself in a vulnerable position?

So you live in his house for free?

You pay half bills - totally fair in my view.

What are you doing with your saved rent/mortgage?

You are NOT being financially abused!

She doesn't pay rent, he is mortgage free in a property he owns outright, he has school age children.

All she pays is half the utilities.. she genuinely doesn't appreciate how good she has it right now to be honest! It sounds like she won't be happy until he has handed over half his assets to her though.

Oh for goodness sake - yeah, lets make a person get married when they dont want to???

You would NEVER tell a woman with dc who owns her own house, and has a cocklodger boyfriend move in to marry him so he has security

She has had FIVE YEARS with no rent or mortgage to pay, sure neither has he, but thats because he has paid off his house.

I'm not sure now what do you expect here. What kind of security do you want from him? Are you aware that any your security would mean taking from his children?

A man with responsibility for his school age children has no reason to marry you or put you to his will - he will want his property to go to his children. I suppose he has never promised or offered marriage/legal commitment, because he doesn't want to entangle money. It has nothing to do with your past, it is about leaving his property to his children. It doesn't make him a bad person (the shouting about bathroom does)

Decide what makes sense for you and do it, but don't expect him to give something he has never offered.

Does he know that you are drawing on your savings?
Perhaps he thinks that you have a large amount of money from your house sale in your account.

OP, you are getting a mix of replies here, some harsh. I think there is a lot to unpack here and it’s not as straightforward as him not giving you the security you need. Most striking to me is that you posted something like 18 times with your initial post and further responses before casually mentioning that he has school age children. That fact is absolutely key to a lot of his behaviour and the situation you find yourself in and I’m surprised you don’t realise that. I assume that you don’t have children of your own (apologies if that is incorrect) because you seem unaware of what it means (or should mean) to be a parent.
How old are they - 7/8 or 14/15? There’s an awful lot of difference. How often do they stay with him? Do you look after them? As PPs have pointed out, his primary responsibility is to his children and they should inherit his assets. It is not in his or their financial interests for him to marry you, unless he draws up a watertight will providing for them. Marriage automatically revokes any previous will and you would become his main beneficiary (unless stated otherwise in a newly drawn up will) which is clearly unfair. You say you wanted to build a future with him but it sounds as if you are wilfully ignoring in your own mind the existence of his children. You say nothing about your relationship with them.
Of course, you don’t have to like the situation you find yourself in and he definitely sounds like an avoidant personality. He should not be shouting at you about the mouldy bathroom or refusing to discuss your combined futures in a reasonable way.
I agree with many other posters who have commented that your first priority must be to get a job, then look at your finances and assess your next step. Don’t waste any more time - you are entitled to say to him that, while you understand the constraints of his circumstances, it doesn’t work for you.

OP, you need to get real.
You have gone from one shit relationship to puttimg yourself in such a vulnerable position.

Good men do not behave like this.
Your bar is really low.

He likes things just as they are.
You and your feelings, security are not a priority.

Ffs, you have been his housemate for 5 years.
Money in his pocket.

Honestly, you need to get real fast.

Forget about him, because he really isn't thinking of you.

He will miss your money contribution for sure.

Women like you end up in real poverty because they refused to face their reality.

You cannot afford a relationship.
You need home security more than a man.

He has school aged children????

Sure of course he is protecting his asset whilst using the arse off you to pay 50% of his costs.

Does he host his children regularly?
You pay 50% of costs.

Unbelievable that you would fall for this.
I bet he is lovely.....but gets angry if you bring anything up🙄.

You have been spectacularly naive.
I hope you are waking up to that.

I think you already know the answer, OP. Every day on mumsnet, there's a woman talking about her 'kind, lovely, caring' partner who is clearly anything BUT those things. It doesn't matter what he says, he's showing you how he feels by his actions (or lack thereof). Look after yourself and make sure you put a secure roof over your own head.

Next steps - you need to get clear on what you want. Would it be enough if he agrees to redo the bathroom (with you paying half?). I think not, but it is your life not mine.

How is your pension looking? Is it crucial to your planning to own your own property for later life, or might you actually be ok renting once your pension kicks in? Can you do something else with your money to make it work towards financial security in future without necessarily buying a flat with it now?

Might planning to get a lodger or part time AirBnBing help with getting a mortgage or are these not secure enough? It's worth talking to a couple of mortgage brokers to see what options you might have. BTL might be possible. Whether your cash flow can cope with contributing so much to your partner's household as well as running a separate one - well frankly it's unlikely - but any decent man will understand the problem, want you to have some security because he loves you, and put himself out somewhat in support of you achieving it. That doesn't mean giving you tonnes of money but it does mean not threatening ending the relationship just for you very sensibly planning for the future, and it might mean eg paying more of the joint living costs in his house for a while. If he cannot treat you like he at least likes you - in what he does, not just what he says - then he is not worth it.

Don't beat yourself up. You have taken a battering and you are still standing. No regrets, just start planning for the next stage.

Oh and if marriage is suddenly raised as an option when he thinks you will walk, be very careful.

I’m sure it’s already been said but at the very least you need to buy somewhere to rent out.

You’re mad to have had some form of security and then gave it all up.

You could have been living off of the rent you received and still had somewhere to live/sell if you needed to in the future.

Agree with this.

I dont think he is doing a bad thing protecting his asset he paid for in full before OP come along. I wont ever be marrying someone now for this exact reason. Build too much on my own to but it at risk for someone else to feel secure after paying nothing towards it.

He hasnt been charging her rent. Just half the bills and food she also benefits from. I wouldn't marry if I was him. If they divorce in years so come then he could loose half his house to her and therefore half of what he wanted his kids to inherite and would be in a place of getting a mortgage himself at an older age.

If OP had secured a permanent job then she would have been in a very good position to have saved what she would have spend on mortgage/rent and full bills the last 5 years

OP if you are otherwise happy in your relationship, just getting doubts without the marriage, could you buy a buy to let place so you are building up equity in a place if you need it in the future? Or if the lack of marriage is a deal breaker for you, then now is the time so go hard on the job hunt so get a little place of your own. I wouldn't wait about hoping for a change of heart as it will be harder to get a mortgage the older you get

You moved in with him after a few months of dating, that was the first mistake.

Its like the other thread I read of a lady that moved her new man in after 3 weeks of seeing him.
So many threads on MN of women doing this and regret it later.

I dont get why women are in a hurry to have a man living with them.
You can be happy dating with out the moving in part.

If a man ever wanted to move in with me after a few weeks or months Id see it as a red flag tbh.

En suites are always prone to mould. Fact of life. De-mould it, and don't use the shower in there, or only use it very sparingly/for guests.
When you can, invest in a small flat, and rent it out. Living with your partner and only paying living expenses puts you in a better position than if you had to live by yourself and pay rent or have a mortgage.

Have you sprayed the bathroom with anti mould spray? It works

• Not married
• No dependent children
• OP has not sacrificed her career or earning abilities to raise children in the past
• Partner's property is owned and paid off without contribution from OP
• OP pays half the bills which she would pay regardless of where she lives, arguably paying even more if she lived alone
• OP, of her own free will, chose to sell her property and move in with him. Nothing suggests that he forced or coerced OP to do that (unless I missed it)
• OP is not working steadily and that is 100% on her. Again nothing to suggest her partner is stopping her from working full-time
• OP does not pay housing costs and is actually in an excellent position to be saving that money that she would otehrwise be paying
• HE HAS CHILDREN! Obviously the house is their inheritance. What kind of man doesn't prioritise his children and providing for them?

Based on all of the above, nothing suggests that OP deserves to be willed her partner's house (or part) or needs to be provided for by him.
If a man found himself in the above situation, he would 100% be called a cocklodger. His employment (or lack thereof) would be considered 100% his responsibility (and rightly so) and his female partner would be advised to kick him out as paying bills does not count as a contribution.

Recent example - the man who asked a couple weeks ago if he had any claim on his ex-partner's house having lived together and contributed to bills for 10 years. He was called a cocklodger and worse by many posters. I'm not sure what's different about this situation except the OP is NOT on the deeds and it's an even shorter relationship. The hypocrisy on here is equally infuriating and hilarious 😅

Taking the trouble to point out to the horror my previous post caused - I am under impression OP WANTS marriage.
Secondly this exactly what I did - I booked a marriage at a Magistrate's Court myself and the man I had 2 children with turned up and we were married. He then DIED 6 months later .

He isn't "a lovely man" if he doesn't want to address issues that worry you....

Yeah but it sounds like HE doesn't want to get married. And at that point, one 'no' means there's no way forward.

OP needs to leave; he doesn't want to marry her.

In your post you state you don’t want to be financially vulnerable following your experience with a previous split. This is sensible and applies to both of you.

Living with him means you don’t pay rent or a mortgage. Which is a significant outgoing for most people. Further being able to split other living costs is less expensive than living on your own. By moving in with him you should have more disposable income.

When you sold, you released equity and this is yours to invest or save as you see fit. What you invest in is up to you. I wouldn’t buy a BTL without establishing if this will give you a better yield than other options. This is not the case for a lot of property investment atm.

By moving in with him you have been able to reduce your outgoings and invest your capital and additional income as you see fit. As you say it is important you don’t put that at risk but this principle applies to him.

The fact you have to delicately and “gently” ask him basic things is a red flag in itself. You are leaving yourself incredibly vulnerable if this relationship ends / he dies. You need to prioritise your financial security. If get upset then he needs to commit to making changes to give you that security. Although I would likely be put off this man full stop. The bathroom alone and everything being on his terms. Whose idea was it to move in so quickly.

Anybody can declare love. But it’s a verb and he is not doing much to demonstrate it

Assuming those 2 things are not related?

AND you already had 2 dc WITH him?

She doesn’t have it good in so far as she has nowhere to live in old age if this relationship goes tits up and when she suggested doing something about that (buying herself a property) he “got upset”. She just needs to do that and not worry about his reaction.

How is he 'using the arse off' her?
She is living in his house, that he paid for, rent-free for the last five years. If anything, she's using him.
I have sympathy for the OP but I think on some level she saw moving in with him as a way to escape the job she hated.
If she was a man everyone would be calling her a cocklodger.
The partner is far from perfect but he is an irrelevance here. The reality is that she is responsible for securing her own future, no one else.

You are leaving yourself incredibly vulnerable if this relationship ends / he dies.

Why is she? In reality she should be no worse off than when she started.. she chose to sell her house, she chose to work an unstable job and eat into all her savings. His house isn't hers to 'claim' and never will be, good for him.

She's been living rent free for five years and has nothing to show for it? Who's fault is that?