Am I being stupid and potentially leaving myself in a vulnerable position?

With hindsight - you should have sorted this before you moved in. All you can do now is take steps to ensure you don't end up unable to retire. Take care of your financial future. You know what you need to do.

Exactly. I don't think he is responsible for your financial security, you are. He has children whose future he needs to invest in. You are living rent-free in his house, and sharing in bills that you rightly should be. You have savings for a deposit, use it, the rent that you are saving on, use that too. Get financial advice and set yourself up for the future, instead of expecting a man (any man) to be providing for you. Or testing the relationship based on whether he is willing to care about your security - especially to the detriment of his children. I have been with my partner for five years, I own my own house and it will go to my DC. Even if we move in together, it will go to my DC. I will take legal steps to ensure this, not because I don't love or care for my DP but because he is a full-grown adult with the ability to provide for himself. My responsibility is to my DC. If he were to move in to my home and expect me to give him a legal interest in it, while not paying rent/contributing to the mortgage, that would be a red flag! The other issues - avoidance, not wanting to do home improvements etc are separate issues.

OP your financial security is your own responsibility. I believe this to be the case even in a marriage. It’s something my mother drummed into me and I can see now how important it is, for many reasons, but as one ages, literal security as well.

It sounds like you’ve got the means to at least start by renting out a small space for yourself. I agree with most here in that you should move out becuse this relationship is not going where you want it to (I think you know that) and you’ve already been burned by a man who didn’t put you first. You are still young. Step into the light and make the smallest step possible, to get the process going and call a real-estate agent and make some appointments. Things will find their own momentum from there.

This is a great post !

Give him a deadline. Also check your legal position with independent advice. You’ve been paying household bills but aren’t a tenant? You probably don’t have a stake in the property whether or not he bought it unless you reach a contractual agreement. Do that asap.

His actions speak for themselves. His words are just words and meaningless. I'm sorry you find yourself in this position @GreatPlumBiscuit - what are your next steps?

As PP have mentioned, the most important thing here is that he has school age kids. He is not responsible for your future financial security and is possibly wary of committing to a marriage in case it impacts on his kids future. He is mortgage free which is an envious position to be in, although it does sound like the house needs a lot of work.

You have savings but no stable job, so he is unlikely to agree to sell up and buy something together if it means he needs a mortgage again.

Unfortunately I can’t see how this will work out the way you want it to, OP, unless he agrees to you investing in your own property, perhaps a buy to let that you could use as income?

You are not an idiot. Don't be so hard on yourself. U could be in your own place- fit for purpose and lovely and clean OP.

He has school age children, do you have my children? I would not be marrying and risking any kind of issue with my children’s inheritance. I can see why he would never marry, it’s about the circumstances. You pay half of all bills so ultimately it’s saved you both money.

You should look to buy a flat and let it out even though being a landlord is a bit crap it’s a risk I would probably take in these circumstances.

BTW, I have no problem with the fact he wants to leave his children an inheritance, and of course you need to be stumping up your share of bills as you would anyway, so I don't think you are necessarily losing. The issue is the lack of communication, shouting and shutting you down, not letting you make your own choices with your money and leaving you in a state of uncertainty.

Why should she have a stake in a property that she isnt paying RENT or MORTGAGE for? Where she is living for FREE?????

I think you mean why should she pay 50% in a property where she gets no security?

What's your industry/experience? It's a tough environment currently for a lot of industries, never mind when you're past 50.

I was with you until the final sentence. Some bathrooms are past cleaning! But I do wonder at pps that say she should "get out of there" because he raised his voice once. Not even bothering to ask whether it's a pattern of behaviour. There's a balance to be struck here!

Because he's asked her to pay half the bills and she's agreed. Paying part of the bills and food is not buying a share in the home and she knows that. Not paying anything while intermittently working would make her a freeloader. The partner owns the home outright and he has minor kids in school.

She's depending on a man to give her stability rather than doing the hard work of providing it herself. She has savings from her house sale. She could find a steady job and apply for a mortgage on her own small place. He's refused to marry her. It's obvious he's not going to be sharing his assets with her, he has kids and that's the likely reason why not.

JFC!
Cant people read?

Op is worried about the situation shes in
As shes supposedly in a long term committed relationship its not beyond the realms of possibility to think about the future/ marriage/ longterm plans

Shes not demanded marriage but after 5 years its a possibility
What shes discovered is this man doesnt really care about her AT ALL
Hes happy with her paying 50% of bills etc fair enough but when she suggested buying her own property he manipulated her
He just doesnt care about her, her future or her welfare

Thats quite a shock

You cannot blame him for not wanting his childrens home to be shared.
Should anything happen to him, he wants them protected.
You have been foolish and gambled on him stepping up.
You are not on the same page.
You are someone to share costs with, not narry.
He will never do that.
You now need to get a job, save like mad and focus on creating your own security.
Of course he doesn't want you moving out, sharing costs works for him.

You have to accept that this is your reality and change it.

It's time to make a plan OP. Hoping for a handout is not a plan.
He could at least have named you on his pension or taken out a life insurance policy with you as beneficiary if he wants to keep his house for his kids and can't be bothered to make a will/marry you. You'd still be vulnerable if you split up though.
Go and see a housing association about shared ownership property maybe? Or a financial adviser to invest your money properly. Could you get a retirement property via the local authority to rent?

You gave up your job and you want to rely on him for housing and a pension. If you were a man people would be calling you a cock lodger. Sorry! If he has children, he probably wants them to inherit his assets. He won't want you investing in house repairs because the you would be able to prove you invested in the house and had some right to it.

What have you done with your released funds? As long as you invest them or buy another small property with them you will have some backup.
Do you have any pension?
Do you have a job?
If so, I don’t see the problem with paying 50 percent of food and bills since that is what you owe.
If you are not working and are running down your released funds to pay everyday costs that is a problem - likely best solved by getting a job to cover the costs…

I think you need to look at the ways you yourself can become financially more stable, rather than relying on your partner.

One thing that is possible is to put a property into trust so that the surviving partner can live there during their lifetime, then it goes to whoever the owner specifies (eg their kids.)

My husband and I have done this to ensure our house goes to our children, not to the later partner of either of us if one of us dies early. It does cost a few hundred to set up but well worth it.,

Would your DP be willing to do that to ensure you aren’t homeless on his death though you won’t ultimately gain financially from the property if he wants someone else to inherit it?

This thread is really winding me up. If it were reversed, a man had moved in, quit his job, paying bills and no rent and insisting on marriage/ a claim to the house, the response would be vehement.

he is NOT abusive! Thats ridiculous! He is clearly looking after her financially whilst OP works what sounds like very little. Perhaps she’s doing all the housework and school runs, she doesn’t define that so it’s unlikely.

i have compassion for getting to this stage in life feeling things don’t look how you hoped. He’s not abusive and he’s prioritising his kids inheritance/ financial security. You can have a conversation about it, but if you’re coming across the way you do here then he probably will clam up. Start by securing yourself proper work so he can see that your seeking to be independent. Right now it looks as if you’re expecting to cost off a man who already has dependents then moaning that it’s not going your way - and even worse, pushing the blame onto him.

You can claim universal credit and housing benefits etc if you get your own place?

So you’re advocating OP sponges off the tax payer instead of getting a permanent job?

No she cannot, she has savings