If you had your chance to start again, would you still have had kids?

Yes but I got lucky and met a brilliant father so had them early 30s and mine are easy and lovely and get on well so it’s an easy answer.

A friend adopted in her late 40s. It’s been extremely hard her child has significant issues. She has said if she knew what lay ahead she wouldn’t have done it.

I think this is really sound advice.

I adore being a mother and it was important to me to be one. Doing it on my own though… I could if I had to, but I expect it’s really hard and isolating without a strong support network and financial firepower. I’m not sure that sacrifice of yourself is something to consider lightly.

I think the question should be what if I have a child and they have high needs/disabilities/medical needs. Do I have the support for what that life might look life? Can i accept that may be a possibility and can i cope with it.
When we decide to have children we roll the dice.

Yes! My DD is one of my greatest achievements and we are incredibly close. She’s about to become an adult, and I am so proud of her. I am her Mum, not her best friend, but we have a very honest and open relationship and she knows she can come to me with anything. I am often complimented on how strong our relationship is. I only had one child due to becoming very unwell with a rare autoimmune condition whilst pregnant. I have no regrets and wouldn’t change a thing, I love my DD with every fibre of my being

My kids are wonderful, I wouldn’t change them for the world. But I often doubt my capability/suitability for parenting. I wouldn’t blink them out of existence at this point but had I known then what I know now? Maybe not.

Yes.

I never planned to have kids or particularly wanted them and then fell pregnant by accident in my late 30s. With hindsight up until that point I think due to undiagnosed autism I’d never really opened up to love. And having a child really kicks that door down 😂 (or at least it has done for me). It was overwhelming and a huge adjustment but ultimately the best thing that ever happened to me.

I love being a parent even though it’s stressful, particularly financially, and loving someone does mean worrying about them a lot so that can weigh pretty heavy too. But the reward of growing with this little girl makes it worth it.

I would add that I am lucky as I enjoy playing musical instruments so being in every night alone is not a hardship for me. But I appreciate for a very social person or for someone who thrives on adventures in new places it might feel very isolating. I guess only you know if these are things you can park at least for a few years.

Good luck and I hope you make the right decision for you! Even though I love being a mum I have lots of good friends who are child free by choice and live lives full of meaning and much happiness 🙂

I was actually thinking about this exact thing this morning.
I wouldn’t trade being a mum for the world, but it is definitely hard work. Your life stops being fully your own, and I think that means you can find yourself craving your pre-child freedom quite a lot at times. You stop being the picture and instead become the picture frame! It’s never fully about what you want anymore.
But no one’s experience of parenting is the same. I have two kids who are wildly different. If I’d only had my son, I genuinely wouldn’t understand how hard parenting can be. My daughter has more than made up for that, with more challenging behaviour, needs and life experiences that have made me cry rivers at times.
What I find interesting, though, is the huge variety of feelings that parenting makes you experience. I think there’s a depth of understanding and wisdom I’ve gained through being a parent that I wouldn’t trade either.
Because along with the joy and the incredible highs- and honestly, no one will ever love you quite like your young child does - there can also be an awful lot of pain. When your child is going through something difficult, physically or emotionally (and at some point they will), you don’t just witness their pain, you feel it too. Sometimes it feels doubled, and it can be excruciating.
When I was pregnant with my first, an older mum told me that having children is like never having your heart inside your own body again. I didn’t particularly understand what she meant at the time, but now I completely get it. There’s a truth in that idea that you can only ever be as happy as your most unhappy child- and I think that stays with you for life.
So, is parenting all it’s cracked up to be? I think for me it’s less about whether it’s “worth it” and more that it’s an adventure. There are huge ups and downs, twists and turns, joy, worry, laughter and sometimes a lot of tears. But overall, for me, it has been an absolute enrichment to my life, even if there are definitely days when I’d quite like to be the picture again rather than the frame!

I was never particularly maternal, but I would absolutely have my children again.

I’m a single parent, one of my children has a disability and yes it’s fucking hard, but I’d still choose them.

The only thing I wish is that the world was a better place for them to grow up in. I do sometimes regret having children for that reason, and if I didn’t already have them and was planning children now I would think twice.

Yes, I would. Equally if I didn’t have children I would have enjoyed my life too.

It has not been easy, I have missed out on better holidays and experiences, overall I’d do it again.

Maybe but I would have waited until I was older to have "my life" first. In some ways they enhance my life, in others I feel restrained. I desire freedom and I got a peng of envy even reading your post!

Probably not, to be honest.
I my case, I wanted children so if I hadn't managed to have them, I would have been miserable, because I would have had a very rosy view of what life with children was like.
But knowing what it is like, if I had a second life, I probably wouldn't, because whilst there is nothing specifically wrong with my children (I have 3 teens/tweens), and there are nice moments, I think my level of happiness has been significantly impacted by everything that comes with children, and generally speaking, I feel the nice moments just don't compensate for the rest - especially now they are out of the primary school years, which were very much the golden years (so basically you get about 10 good years!).
I had had significant heartache and worry trying to manage being an involved parent with having a career (I now have a 'semi career', which has plateaued because I didn't take on the big global roles which would have involved significant travel.
Also let my health go to an extent, in that I exercised a lot less, and probably slept a lot less, trying to be present with them and take them to all their activities etc, whilst trying to work full time (so basically ended up working most evenings to catch up). I know I can get that back when they leave home, but would have been more enjoyable to have it in my 40s than in my 60s!
All my life revolves around them, be it catering to their needs when they were little, nagging about homework and fighting about screentime now - and watching in frustration when they don't put in half the effort that I do for their studies, for instance.

I fantasise about being able to just focus on me. Do what I want of an evening, exercise as much as I want, read a book, watch a film I want to watch - and especially, not have this constant worry in the back of my mind of whether they are going to do well in their exams / whether they are happy at school or need to change school, etc etc (whatever the worry of the moment is - and i haven't had any serious health concerns to worry about!).
I also feel slightly used. My headspace is taken up by them, and I put so much in, but one child will repeatedly say that she intends to leave home at 18 and can't wait to do that (she is 13), another one in an argument yesterday about constant scrolling said to me 'nobody wants you here anyway'. I know it was said in anger, but when you are standing there doing the family ironing after a full day's work, then it does hit hard.

In your position, I wouldn't worry too much about the kids, but I would develop a hobby which you really get into and gives your life a purpose, and occupies you and which you can build things around.
The main challenge my sister (who has chosen not to have kids) has found is that a lot of her peers do have them, so her husband and she can sometime struggle to find friends to go away on holiday with, for instance, as everyone else is doing family holidays, or to meet up during the day at weekends. So she is looking forward to all her friends kids going off to university so her friends will be in same boat as her and more available. But that is a minor inconvenience in the grand scheme of things!

my children are still young but i would say yes. I just wish i had them later in life and enjoyed my time with my partner more.

I ask myself this all the time. I think any version of me would have wanted to have kids, and I love them and it's hard to regret a person that you love.

BUT- it has been extremely hard and painful and relentless (way more than it has been joyful or rewarding if i'm truly honest.) I have 3 DC with ADHD/ Audhd and their needs are complex, especially the eldest who has struggled a huge amount. It has been shockingly hard.

Yes. But only with enough financial security to be able to work very part time hours, ability to pay for childcare to cover non-working hours and a very present and hands-on DH. I wouldn't do it as a single parent and having to work ft - there would be no time left for myself. I don't think I'd want the extra work involved with adoption either, sounds very intrusive and usually there are additional needs.

My kids aren’t this old yet but I can definitely believe all of this.

Anecdote here, but I know a couple who had 3 kids - two of their own and one adopted. The adopted one was 2 or 3 years old and adoption. Whether it was down to genes or to the adoptee's early life, the two natural kids were more like their parents (stable, well-behaved) and the adopted one was very troublesome throughout childhood and requires more support in adulthood. I certainly don't think the parents regretted the adoption, but don't underestimate what you may be in for if you adopt.

Absolutely. It it's bloody hard work when they're small (physically and emotionally) even with good support and decent finances but it's the best thing I've ever done and there is no world in which I wouldn't do the same again. I'd probably have more.

This is so true about the constant headspace it takes up! So even if you do get some time "off", your head doesn't actually switch off.
I'm also always weighing up if I'm balancing life right, between work and them and myself and I get frustrated that I can't even do the basic things for myself anymore whether that is getting a full night's sleep, a shower (in peace) or cook a decent meal. I have a baby though (alongside a primary school child) so I am probably in the depths of it right now.
Sometimes I do wonder what my life would be like if I took another path.

I would say it’s not a minority. Latest studies have shown up to 14% regret having children. And it’s the trickiest thing, because you won’t actually know the reality of children until you have them.

I have two, and I’m still in the early stages of parenting, so not very experienced. It’s completely changed my life, but luckily I love it. I was in my mid late 30s when I had mine, and think it helped that I’d gotten to where I wanted to be career wise, and had done plenty of travelling and living etc before. Decent financial position, and an equal partner. Still it’s been very full on and with very little down time. I wouldn’t want to be doing it on my own. I don’t have a support network, but it’s been alright. We’ve travelled lots with the children all over the world- there are still adventures but they’re different

Aw, thank you - that is the kind of positive message we need to hear. My DC has so much potential and when younger was a joy (prickly, hyper-intelligent, oversensitive… but nonetheless also funny, loyal, caring and engaged in life) so it is really hard to see how they’ve spiralled.

I cannot express how much we adore both our children and would not hesitate in laying down our lives for them - but I think potential parents need to understand that it is often not easy and that when you have children they are their own unique human beings and not emotional and social props that comply with all those rich and colourful fantasies you have!

My admiration for single parents rocketed as we progressed on this journey - as did my formerly absent empathy for my own single-mum. If she were alive today I’d love to take her for a drink and tell her how sorry I am for the teenager I was and my lack of understanding how hard her life much have been with 3 of us!

No, I love mine to bits but I hate the vulnerability it brings, if anything happened to her I feel like I would simply die. I find her sadness unbearable, if someone upsets her I can’t sleep. The emotional toll of loving someone to this extent is brutal. I don’t think I will ever truly be at peace ever again.

To echo other posters as well my time is just not my own anymore. i used to be able to complete a good chunky book on a day off, now it takes weeks and half the time I’m so tired I can barely concentrate.

Yes, but I would have either had him 5 years earlier or 5 years later. I’m about to finish a part time PhD while working full time and had DS right in the middle, which was the worst of everything. I’m so excited now to spend quality time with DS6.

We also considered adoption but wanted a bio child first. How bio child has ASD and is hard work. Also I don’t think would cope with us adopting. I am wondering if I want any more bio children, but reluctant for the same reasons. Having kids is hard work but also lovely.

Absolutely and probably more than the 3 we had. But we have been together 35 years so a very fonancially and emotionally stable environment for bringing up children, we both had careers that didn't involve commutes or high pressure and flexibility yo be involved day to day, but which also earned enough to live surrounded by animals in a house large enough for everyone to have their own space and in a community of great schools. So I can see how you could think completely differently if you weren't in our position and you had less space and resources. Even with all our luck in life we have had some significant challenges as a family, but would definitely do it all again.

I've read one book for pleasure in 11 years. I just don't have the capacity anymore I'm that exhausted. Im aware it's different for everyone but that's the thing you never know what your life will look like 😬 god I miss reading

I 100% would have my children again, they're the best thing ever.
I would never ever choose to do it on my own.