If you had your chance to start again, would you still have had kids?

I think this is true with virtually everything in life though involves elements of sacrifice and hard work . You even see megastars struggling with pressures and downsides of their success. Very few people are skipping through the daisies all the time if they are doing something worthwhile and it's easy to become disillusioned when reality doesn't always meet expectation but that doesn't mean they regret their decisions though.

Everyone is different and lord knows my kids aren't always easy, but I absolutely don't regret having them. In fact if I didn't have them then I know this would be the biggest regret of my life. I feel very lucky to have them.

Awful though it sounds (and I love my youngest lots and wouldn’t want to not have her now knowing her) but if I started again without that, I’d only have my eldest. One child would just have been a better balance for me and she’s an easy child where as my younger is much harder work and has SEN.

So in your position I wouldn’t as I think most adoptive children will have extra needs in some form and I don’t think I’m motherly enough to deal with that.

No

Yes absolutely. I knew from a very young age I wanted children, I sort of had a plan in mind for my life and how I wanted it to go and thankfully it panned out. I hoped to meet my husband at uni, sort my career, then settle down and that is exactly what I did. I'm happily married in my early 40's with 3 children and another on the way. I couldn't imagine being single and childfree at this point, although if my life plan hadn't gone to plan and I didn't find someone to settle down with would I want to be a single mother at my age? probably not. I wanted the whole nuclear family, I wouldn't want to have a child as a single parent and certainly not in my 40's, although I am currently pregnant I absolutely would not have chosen to have a child at this age, it is too old in my opinion.

I'd focus on enjoying your life as it is, children are hard work even when you have 2 very involved parent's and the "ideal" setup. You also have to think about the potential child, not just yourself, is it fair on them to have only 1 parent and them be quite old? Especially if you adopt, they've already been dealt a raw deal being removed from bad circumstances, can you offer them the best life as a single parent in your 40's?

I always think this is such an interesting question and so much depends on individual circumstances and personalities, and at what stage in life the question is asked, that there can never be an answer that actually 100% settles the debate for another person.

I don't know if I am the best parent. I have one 3yo daughter and I love her beyond measure, but I didn't realise just how much these early years would demand. Like, I knew the theory, but the reality is so much more. If I had known I might have chosen a different path for myself, but now my daughter is here and I cannot imagine life without her so yes, I would choose her again, and again, and again. But if there was a world in which she could still exist exactly as she is, and I was her quirky, free-wheeling aunt who got to be present and do all of the fun things, but could be seen as a hero for doing two or three nights a week during the sleep deprivation stage, rather than doing every single one for two years, and if I could maybe disappear off for a couple of weeks and return with fabulous gifts and be considered wonderful for being so hands on between holidays .... I'd be tempted to press that button. 😄

I absolutely bloody love being a mama. It’s hard work but so so rewarding.

No. The man I married was clearly from the 1920s, and did fuck all when the kids were young. It’s only since they’ve matured and now older teens has he bothered to get to know them, but he still does fuck all to help out, and groans, sighs and makes a fucking song and dance if I or the kids ask him to do anything which might cause him inconvenience. He has never offered to pick up the slack, he’s basically a useless fuckwit.
my career, my body, all took an absolute bashing and neither will ever be the same again. So if I’d had a crystal ball, seen the future no I wouldn’t have had kids.
obviously I love them with my heart and soul, but I would not encourage my kids to have their own, and have told them both I won’t be looking after any grandchildren, as selfishly once the youngest turns 18 I want my life back, and have time for activities outside or work and family.

Nope i have to many health issues that significantly impact my day to day life so of course significantly effects theirs they deserved better

Depends what day you ask me on.

I have days when I fantasise about having never married, and never having had kids. I even think about where I would have lived, a sweet little one bed cottage perhaps or a tiny terraced house. I'd have a little walled garden where I'd grow pretty flowers and I'd only tidy up because I wanted it tidy, not because my husband moaned about it. I'd have books and ornaments everywhere with no husband to moan about clutter. Id get up slowly each morning, only having to worry about me, drink a coffee in peace while looking out at my garden with no one asking me for more cereal before sauntering off to work with no school run on the way. I'd have so much more disposable income because I wouldn't have had to put my career on hold and I'd be so much more advanced by now, and there would be no demands on my income from dependents so I'd go on regular holidays with friends and have evenings in the pub. I'd spend my free time writing or playing instruments instead of being exhausted and I'd grow old my way.

Other days I am grateful for my kids and husband. I think how lonely I would have been without them, what great kids they are, how lucky I was to meet my husband young, how much I love my in laws, how I will have so many lovely events to look forward to because I have a family, their uni graduations, their weddings, welcoming grandchildren, family holidays and Christmases etc.

But one thing I would change, without a doubt, is what hard work my daughter is. I'd keep her kind and beautiful heart and her sense of humour but I'd make her so much more chilled and undemanding. I am constantly feeling guilty about looking forward to her growing up because I still have years left of her childhood and I'm not sure how much I have in me left to give.

Yes and I would try to fit in another one!

Yes, and I also think that the way people are asked makes a difference. There's still a huge stigma about people (particularly women) admitting they might regret having their children. The number of people on this thread has surprised me, and I think the anonymity of an online forum might have something to do with it.

Until very recently there wouldn't have been any method of doing an (almost) completely anonymous study. Even 'just' admitting to a real person, albeit a complete stranger, that you might regret your kids, would be harder face to face or even over the phone than typing it online, plus if they had your contact details there's always the miniscule worry said kids could find out.

Not to mention that even 'only' twenty or thirty years ago things were still very different in terms of women's careers, maternity discrimination etc. The number of people without kids was much lower so it was harder to envision what a happy childfree life might look like. Because it was rarer, people were more judgemental, etc.

Also, as pps have pointed out, you only know your exact circumstances. People who have had kids will have also had a period (even a short one) in their lives before they had kids so can make a vaguely educated guess about what their lives could have been if they hadn't. But you only ever experience having your own kids. Someone who says they don't regret having them might say differently if they'd had different children and vice versa.

Also might change depending on when they were asked - someone might say 'No! Never! Best thing that's ever happened to me' at baby stage, then 'God yeah, if only someone had told me it was this hard,' when in the trenches with teens, then be back to not regretting it when the DC are older and have given them grandkids.

Without a doubt yes. They are the greatest joy of my life.

Thank you, I really hope so! It’s a heavy love the love for your children.

Absolutely definitely no

That’s so interesting, I’d say the best decision I made was to have them in my 40s.

I suppose it really does highlight, OP, that these things are hinged on very personal circumstances. What will work for you, not what worked for others.

and alongside that, the fact that adoption is a very different parenting path in lots of ways. You might be better off exploring this question on the adoption board (apologies if that’s already been suggested).

@tokennamechangeyes it seems from this thread that sen is affecting people’s answers as it can make parenting so much more challenging. I can’t imagine how tough that must be, and especially as a single parent with even less of a break.

@Pollydidnt and @Chefpig I agree on the being an older parent being right for some people. It’s normal in my circles for late 30s to 40s and everyone I know has coped alright. So don’t let that put you off.

Also, on the single parent comment someone else made, I think it’s be a wonderful thing for a child to be adopted by a single parent. There’s a real shortage of foster placements, adoptions and children’s homes, so a safe calm home filled with love would be great for a child

Agreed. I think one of the best decisions I’ve made is to have one child by choice at 40, in a very stable, happy, longterm relationship which had been in existence for almost two decades by then, and when we were both senior enough in our careers to have money and flexibility to smooth things along.

I had 2in my early 20s and another at 32. Now 55 and I appreciate the freedom far far more than all the youngsters I see ( especially when traveling) who just take it for granted

If I had to have the kids id have had the 3rd one closer in age then been free earlier ( like in mid 40s)

Yes- 100% I genuinely love them and their funny little personalities.
picking an amazing dad for them has made motherhood easy and not everyone has that so choose wisely.

No

The world feels a massively different place than it did 10 years ago when we first started trying. Their life with global warming, AI threats and COL will be so different to what DH and I had when we first met. I don't regret my children and love the bones of them. However had we been looking at having children now I'd seriously be thinking more critically.

Absolutely!! I never wanted kids never imagined having them wasn’t maternal and I got accidentally pregnant at 24 and she’s 9 soon! Best thing I ever did. And her brother who’s 5 next month. It’s relentless but it’s not hard forever and it’s so worth it. You would literally die for them.

Yes, but it’s not all about you, is it? A parent who has their children later is generally more financially comfortable, mature, has done more with their life etc and can give their children a better life than a younger parent.

Well my now adults have a perfectly good life thanks. They also had a mother who had far more energy, more likely to do random stuff than being so routine bound etc

Apart from the financial thing ( which isn't necessarily age dependent) on what way do the kids have a " better" life?

Yes , though I wish i hadn’t got married to their father . I absolutely loved having my children when they were babies and every stage afterwards . They are adults now and I’m still very close to them .
I would have loved to have had children with my current husband but we met very late on so it wasn’t possible but i have a wonderful step daughter who considers me to be her mum as she lost her own at a very young age , I’ve had her since she was 7 , she’s 23 now and feel very much like she’s my own child .
I have also been very involved in my granddaughter’s life and have had a lot of time with her since she was a baby .

Yes the earlier message is incorrect. Studies repeatedly show that parents are less happy than non- paretns….www.bps.org.uk/psychologist/think-having-children-will-make-you-happy