MIL ignoring DS allergies

Also, while your MIL may not have dementia, something is very wrong if your reaction to your grandchild having a life-threatening reaction to nuts is "oh, now you mention it, I really fancy some nuts. Can we pop to Tesco?".

Any protein can be an allergen. Quinoa is chiefly known for causing problems of intolerance due to the saponin coating on the grains but you can also be allergic to it.

Throw the nuts out if you get a chance.

Your DH is the main problem though, I agree.

YANBU just bin them and say no more about it.

Not even in the bin if the bin is in the house !!!

OP does she normally buy nuts? Is she making a point?

I cannot imagine how scary this must be for you,

Ok so that was an over-reaction. Unless your ds is going to spend the rest of his life holed up at home, he is regularly going to be in places with sealed up bags of nuts. He will also be in contact with people who have touched and eaten nuts. The vast majority of the time (quite possibly even all of it) that will not cause a reaction.

I remember how scared I was in the early days of ds1 being diagnosed with a peanut allergy but there's a fine line between teaching him to take his allergy seriously and teaching him to live in terror. Or living in terror yourself. I can quite see why you want a nut free home - you need one place you can relax - but telling your ds not to say goodbye to his grandmother in case a sealed bag of nuts that was on its way to the bin gets him is not rational.

But this is their HOME! This woman is a guest and upon learning of DS’ allergy, immediately went out and bought 3 bags of nuts… Even if she ate them in her room, her hands will have the proteins on and she will touch the door handle etc. The nuts were not going to remain sealed…!

This is abuse. Not only directed to you , but your DS. Life threatening abuse. You won’t be seeing it as clearly as you should given you are enmeshed in the situation.

Imagine if you heard of this about another child at school. You’d be contacting the school or SW, given what you have been told by the medics.

Please contact WA, or a similar organisation. It won’t be the first time they have heard similar stuff. They can advise , and direct you to support.

Dont leave it because the nuts are gone. You cannot trust either of them, and we’re talking about your son’s life here. Over and above the way your DH spoke to you in front of him is reason enough to get rid. You don’t want him learning that this is acceptable behaviour.

Please don’t wait.

Are they horrifically enmeshed and he canot stand the idea of his mum being told no and her being upset ? Sounds like enmeshment on stéroïds . Irrelevant I suppose as what ever the reason you need to get out, he’s always going to pander to her. I assume she’s loving it as it proves to her he loves her more than you.

A person can be allergic to anything - ‘known allergens’ are simply the ones that are most commonly seen, I think? It wasn’t a food I’d ever been exposed to until maybe 5 years ago.

But yes, within seconds of ingesting mere trace amounts, I start to vomit, then the vomiting becomes dangerous as my throat swells up meaning I come close to choking. I will have hives within half an hour which spread over the next 24 hours and I ‘swell up’… and dreadful stomach ache and diarrhoea for days.

It wasn’t much of an issue as it was a rare grain - but now it is in everything because it is a high protein grain, so I am going to have to see an allergy specialist to get an epipen issued. :(

I would print copies of these and leave them all over the house, stay with friends and put my phone on silent. Also document dates and times in case he goes for custody in the future and continues to act like an idiot.

My son had a peanut allergy. Everyone knew. At a bbq at my parents in law we extensively discussed food for the bbq. My dickhead BIL then went to the shops separately and secretively come back and put satay sticks on the grill plate with all the other meat. I completely kicked off when I saw it. All my in laws behaved after that. Don’t be afraid to go full tiger on people to protect your son. I can’t fathom why your DH is not stepping up.

If it helps here are a few things to add to your conversation

1. When someone goes into anaphylactic shock they are 'hypersensitive' to this allergy more than usual for about 6 weeks. So, while a 'normal' reaction could happen your son is now in this heightened window and will experience a reaction to a more extreme level and needs to be extra vigilante.
2. As someone who has a close relative with an extreme allergy what I will say is that they have gone into anaphylactic shock in school as someone at home touched the allergy item, didn't wash their hands and then touched the fruit in the fruit bowl that was then eaten by my relative. It can be that sensitive.
3. This same relative also went into shock on a plane when someone four rows ahead of them had a bag of nuts and the nut dust went into the air.

This is isn't something to take lightly and I think spelling it out like this may help. I would be very clear - all nuts are banned until further notice.

Tell your husband she goes or you go simplies

Did child's father see the ambulance and attend the Drs appointment? That would seem to be important. It sounds as if it would be best for the OP to leave these selfish people, but given that there might be unsupervised contact in the future the father should have the reality explained to him by a medic.

OP, please read this Reddit thread https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/7g7p4B5vdI

She sounds unhinged, her grandson has a potentially life threatening allergy and her first reaction is to bulk buy nuts for a nut fest in her room?!

Who the hell has three bags of nuts in their bedroom?

LTB as soon as you have the opportunity to do so.

Don’t be so silly!! What exactly is deeply disturbing and concerning about this??

Shes being difficult on purpose. Why would anyone whose just been told their grandchild who lives with them has a life threatening allergy and then goes out and bulk buys said item. She's trying to cause a rift in your marriage. I would tell your dh you want a divorce and you want the house on the market.

I think I’d call the GP and ask for support. If they can’t help they can signpost you to someone who can. I would imagine that both mil and dh could be removed from the house as they pose a life threatening risk to the child.

Your husband is an idiot, that he is willing to make his child suffer or even die.

If he wont come to senses, you will need to ltb, but also you will need to apply for supervised visits as he is showing he cannot be trusted with exposure to nuts

I'd be reporting this to the school and the GP asking for assistance in leaving asap.

Please call your GP and tell them what is going on.
Also call Womens aid.
I would also be telling the school principal what has happened at home and ask for a referral to the school safe guarding person.

You are in an abusive relationship and your child is in danger.

Start making noise.
Tell them of his verbal abuse of you in front of your child.

Verbally abusing you in front of your child is emotional abuse of your child.

You need to take control of this situation by telling people what is going on.

Yanbu at all.

My child has a anaphylactic peanut allergy and in the early days I was having flashbacks to his initial reaction and was a nervous wreck. Your home should be the place you can relax knowing he is safe to give your mind a break from it.

My parents, sister and in laws all have nut free homes, we never asked they just felt safer that way and it wasnt a big sacrifice. I am appalled his grandmother and father would bring nuts into dc's home.

Absolutely agree with @campingwoes this could literally be a life or death situation. That might sound dramatic but unfortunately subsequent exposure can cause a much worse reaction than the first one. His first reaction was bad enough, the next could be even worse. How does your husband and mil not understand that even any particles in the air can cause a reaction, that even if she ate them elsewhere and then came near him, kissed him, that would be enough. I’ve seen severe allergic reactions where even a washed up plate, or tea towel, that had been used previously and had the allergen on it still was enough to cause a severe reaction. Hopefully further tests will show the sensitivity levels etc, but for now he needs absolutely no chance of exposure at all. They have said you need a completely nut-free household, therefore you need a nut-free household. Full stop. (Resisting urge to tell you about the two main nuts you need to be rid of!).
Your husband is going directly against the dr’s orders. They may have thrown them out this time, but what happens next time? Clearly neither of them are taking this seriously and I wouldn’t be surprised if mil, at some point, tries to pull an “a-ha, gotcha!” moment. You need to seriously decide what you need to do going forwards.

Just to ask, and I’m sorry if I’ve missed it somewhere, and slightly off topic, but have the school been informed? Although many schools are already nutfree anyway.