AIBU to think my mum slapping me as a teenager was unacceptable?

Things were different in the past - child rearing wasn’t about being totally child centric.

She may have just had a bad day, or been having a hard time, for whatever reason.

If she’s a good mum now, generally, after 20 years, I’d just forget it, to be honest.

OP's mum fucked up one time but denied it and mocked OP when she brough it up for 20 years. I would expect OP's mum to apologise and to stop blaming OP for 'making her do it'.

All the posters berating OP and calling her a brat have just brushed past the fact that OP as well as her mum lived in an unsafe home with an abusive man. She and her mum probably have unresolved trauma and PTSD from living with OP's abusive dad.

Because it was 20 years ago and I think this culture of encouraging people to be estranged from their parents is really problematic.
My parents did something awful once but as time went by I understood why they made the mistake they did and forgave them and our lives are far richer for it.

OP perhaps if you acknowledged your poor behaviour as a teenager it would help you to see both sides of the story and have some empathy. I had 4 teenagers and honestly their behaviour at times was unbelievably awful. I often had to walk away from them or I may have slapped them in sheer frustration. I was lucky enough to have a supportive DH but your DM was dealing with an abusive partner and an obnoxious teenager!

I firmly believe there is a difference between a parent giving the odd smack and 'abuse'.

Agree with this. I’m not condoning smacking, but some posters on MN seem determined to conflate the two, and it’s not helpful to anyone.

My parents gave the very occasional light smack (as in 2 or 3 times maybe) when I was a child… I would certainly not say they were abusive parents.

Honestly I dont, I just am offering practical advice really

If you feel this is on par with the horror stories in the stately homes thread, i would disagree but respect your opinion

Well if you were so annoyed at your partner you wanted to hit them sometimes then, male or female, the advice would be to.leave. Theres no point being in a relationship where you are so infuriated by the other person it's not healthy. Whereas you can't leave a teenager. (And they can't leave either. That's why the stories people are sharing here about being regularly smacked or abused are awful). But a mother and teenagers winding each other up to the point a slap happens once is not good. But not the same situation.

And I am sure that abusive men tell themselves all sorts of crap. However, adult relationships are different or should be different.

Yed big difference between smacking and abuse.

God, I cannot imagine slapping anyone round the face, let alone my own child. My sister drove me so mad once, as a teen, that I hit her - on the arm. There’s something so vicious about slapping someone in the face. You poor thing. Still, what’s done is done. It’s a real pity that she didn’t take ownership of this years ago and make a proper apology to you. I suspect that would have made a big difference to you. Can you go to a few therapy sessions to help you work through your feelings?

I had an abusive father. Some of the things he said and did are simply never going to leave me. I get it.

I was born early sixties and my parents never needed to much encouragement to give me and my brother a good hiding.
Tbf they were the generation who had likely been whipped for bad behaviour. At least the the DPs didnt use "weapons"
Teachers, even in the infants were not muxh better. Secondary school it would be 3 strikes of the cane on the hand.
That was painful unless you were quick enough to relax your hand before the strike.
Some of these teachers were nasty, sadistic characters who seemed enjoy humiliating and hurting children.
The only real upside was that there pupils were far better behaved in the classroom for fear of the consequences!!

You don’t actually know what her behaviour was. And I think the OP does have empathy. She’s acknowledged what her mother was dealing with but struggled with her mother’s lack of acknowledgement of the incident over many years. People on this thread are acting like the mother was the only one impacted by the abuse in the home so she gets a pass for slapping her across the face and using aggressive and foul language. Meanwhile, the OP, who was a child in an abusive home, should have been the one to manage her mum’s feelings and take responsibility when she was 13! And god forbid that she should have been making her mum late in the mornings or potentially acting out because of what she was experiencing in the home. We can have compassion for the mum and potentially see why she might have snapped under the circumstances, but surely we can also find compassion for the OP and the dysfunction she grew up in. Being on the receiving end of that slap must have been a horrible and frightening incident in her already chaotic and dysfunctional young life.

I don’t disagree with anything you say.
My point is that a woman needed either to be a doctor, lawyer, of which there were a few, or have private money or support either from family or friends.
There was social disapproval to contend with as well as well as women’s much lower wages. These meant that a woman’s wage was just not enough to support a family.
Okay, no doubt there were individual exceptions, but I believe that was the general situation.

No!
Those are the findings for 2020-2021!
Also , I don’t think you can call 20% and more for younger children a small minority.
Plus, that’s people admitting to it.

YABU

I am fully against smacking but only because it is used as an excuse to abuse children.

If I found out my DC had raped someone, I would absolutely slap them.

I am against physical violence but if someone tried assaulting me in the street, then I’d absolutely slap them too.

So it’s not black and white.

Your feelings are valid but she didn’t abuse you, she hit you.

You grew up experiencing child abuse but from your violent father - do not take things out on the parent who didn’t abuse you.

Have you questioned your father about his behaviour as much as you’ve questioned your mother?

I can remember getting a call from a female relative, uncontrollably sobbing. I literally thought someone had died. When she calmed down she said she had slapped her daughter across the face and she felt like the shittiest mum around.

Its obviously not acceptable and you shouldn't blame someone elses behaviour for uour action/reaction. However teenagers can be bloody awful and push the buttons.of parents. Personally i can tecall my younger DSis (who was a bloody good kid) coming in and just goadibg my DM and I would be sitting trying to give her the eye thinking SHUT THE FUCK UP!! Your DM was sitting in trauma and trying to cope, to keep herself , and you safe from.an abusive father/husband.

She should not have lied but that has probably come from a place of immense shame and guilt, becoming the parent who hurt their child, like the one she was trying to protect you from. Please dont think the lie was to cover up her actions and that it was probably more a.self preservation act.

I think i would try and draw a line under it, maybe you could thank her for telling the truth eventually, uou could say how the lie has upset you but you recognise now rhat she wasnt in a healthy place at all. And hopefully you can move on.
Congratulations on being pregnant and I hope that uou can all go on to have a wonderful relationship.

Yanbu.

i was born in 68. My sister in 70.

our childhood was not the way I brought my DS up.

both parents hit us.

@ByRoseSnake Your own motherhood is going to blow the lid off your childhood. It did mine.

you are not your mother, you will see what love is and your child will trust you.

you got this

I do think that (long-term abuse situations aside) a mother slapping a 14 year old daughter has a nuanced difference to a father slapping his daughter, or a 14 year old boy slapping his mother, or a woman slapping her elderly mother because whilst there is the mental power imbalance, physically they are pretty equal (I was basically the same height as my mum by 14, whereas my son is much bigger and stronger than me)

No, it's not right, she shouldn't have done it, it wouldn't leap to my mind to slap anyone at all, but at the time, women slapping was seen as the one physical attack allowed them (in a time where physical attack was more commonplace).

A one off smack.... I would say get over it!

If an adult slaps another adult in the face they could face criminal prosecution for common assault. I don't see how the victim being literal child makes it any more acceptable.

What about if in a few years when OP’s mother is older and needs her support, she drives OP to the end of her tether and OP slaps her? Is that ok?

I find it hard to understand why parents are permitted to lose their cool with children/teenagers when they’re vulnerable but it’s not acceptable the other way around. It’s almost like children & teens dont properly count. But, in terms of the psychological damage, it is worse as things that happen to you before you are 15 can actually change your personality.

[To be clear, I am not slapping anyone. My point is that it is not less abhorrent because it’s your child].

No smacking children in those days was completely normal. It doesn’t seem right now but then children have no discipline these days so makes you wonder

What’s a literal child?

I grew up in the 70s-80s when most of us were routinely smacked as kids. The behaviour was pretty awful. Quiet in class, maybe, but in the playground there was so much bullying, whacking other kids, fights, hair-pulling ... and all the under-the-desk stuff that went on so the teachers couldn't see - pinching, "Chinese burns", etc. Casual violence was just a normal part of life.

So glad we've moved on from that

Why has she never acknowledged or apologised for this act? This has haunted me and it was the last thing I needed as a teenager already frightened of my dad, who was generally worse.

You need to tell her exactly this.