AIBU to think my mum slapping me as a teenager was unacceptable?

My teenage DD sometimes brings up the one major parenting fail I committed when she was about 5 even though it was a decade ago, she doesn’t want me to forget. She had been testing my limits all day long in a way only she could so I was at the end of my tether already. She then decided to intentionally slam DD2’s fingers in the door. I locked her out of the house. She sat screaming on the doorstep. I knew she was safe there but I couldn’t have her in the house anymore, I was terrified I would totally lose it with her. She was fine and not out there for long, it was also a warm dry day.

Parenting is tough. Sometimes you reach your limits and lash out. Your mum apologised. You probably were being an absolute dick, teenagers can be. I’d let her live it down since she was otherwise a decent, loving mother.

This all sounds very dramatic and naval gazing..

Just something to consider,

The fact that she is trying to downplay it, might not just be her attempt to trick you or deceive you... it is probably also her attempt to trick and deceive herself.

She likely knows it was wrong, and felt very guilty about it, and has tried to avoid those feelings by minimizing it in her head - which is a very natural reaction to feelings of intense guilt, where we try and convince ourselves that it wasn't that bad etc.

None of this is saying that it was right or defensible, but just that people can view "downplaying" something as a sign that the other person doesn't recognize how serious it is, when in fact it is often the opposite and it is their method of coping because deep down they know how serious it is and can't handle that.

I disagree. I think there is a massive power imbalance between parent and child. Children are completely reliant on their parents for safety. Physically, emotionally, in every way possible. That makes it worse imo.
Children don’t have the option to not be in that relationship

My eldest is nearing 20. It definitely wasn’t the norm, or acceptable, to hit children when he was a baby.

In the 80s, when I was growing up, yes it was common, but still not ok.

I feel for you @ByRoseSnake. Of course it was unacceptable behaviour. However, I feel for your mum too. It sounds as if she was under a huge amount of pressure and lost control on that one occasion. You say she is generally a gentle, loving and compassionate woman so this incident appears to be totally out of character. Everyone has their limits and makes horrible mistakes sometimes. Unfortunately, it sounds as if your mum has hidden what has happened from you and from herself, probably because she feels so terrible about it. This doesn't help you as you obviously want to discuss it and hear an apology. Can you raise it with her again, explain that you love her and forgive her and then explain how it has effected you? Might she be open to family counselling so that you can feel in a stronger place when you have your own family?

Typical mumsnet unfortunately....victim blaming when it's a child/teen, making excuses for the parent, saying they deserved it etc, but if OP as a grown woman was saying her partner or another adult had slapped her it would be a whole different set of responses.

OP YANBU whatsoever.....slapping you was physical abuse, telling you to shut the fuck up was verbal abuse.Scary she was a teacher too!Whatever she had going on at the time was not your fault or your burden to carry.She clearly failed you by not leaving your abusive father aswell.
She was the adult, you were a child.
The fact she has dismissed it all for so long and tried to gaslight you, aswell as the fact she became 'emotional' yet refused to apologise and recognise how much she hurt you, show remorse, or actually accept any wrongdoing, is typical 'poor me' behaviour and all very narcissistic.
The amount of posters condoning and excusing her behaviour is ridiculous.

Absolutely this. OP is so incredibly lucky that this is all she has to focus on.

This

Obviously OP wasn't lucky. Her dad was abusive and OP and her mum walked on egg shells during her childhood. It was out of character when her mum slapped her hard in the face but her mum never apologised and pretty much gas-lighted OP into thinking that she'd made it up or exaggerated the harm and fear it caused her.

OP's mum was her safe person in an abusive home so the fact that she used physical violence on OP, even if only once, and then denied it for years wasn't acceptable.

What an absolutely hideous post. OP, as well as her mother, lived in an abusive home at the handsf of her father.

OP has displayed plenty of empathy, sympathy and compassion for her mum in her follow up posts. A one-off slap due to severe stress is understandable and forgivable. Denying reality and lying to OP about it until now is unacceptable.

You won't get much support on MN, but the incident was understandably impactful and the ongoing denial from your mum has made it impossible to resolve it between you.

If your childhood was frightening, and your dad also frightening, then this single incident with your mum could have been a big extra shock as it took away the person you trusted before that moment?

Clearly there were major issues in your family that were affecting your mum deeply. A mother is no less answerable for her actions than anyone else in our society.

If you're determined your past shouldn't impact your child, then you could have some focused therapy. You are not required to cover up your true feelings about this incident. Your childhood was not idyllic and you can be realistic about that even if your mum can't.

I’ve never hit my kids but I used to get hit around the head/face a lot. I didn’t know what I’d done. It was awful. Happened regularly and I was such a good kid. I love my mum, she was wrong to do that but didn’t know any better. She was stressed & lashing out made her feel better.

We have a nice relationship now. I now focus on all the meals she made, time she sacrificed, my clothes always being clean and ironed. I use the experience to be more emotionally intelligent with my children. I have given mine so much respect and I have never shamed them. Now they’re teenagers it’s coming back to me from them, we are so close, something that I never experienced, so it’s all worked out okay.

So a small minority then.

What a horrible post.

I am genuinely baffled by this response! One of the nastiest things I’ve read in a while on here.

I don’t think what she did was right at all. But I have a feeling that as you go through your parenting journey and your children push you to your limit, you may look at this from a different perspective. Especially as she was otherwise a good mother and this wasn’t a regular thing.

TW for abuse - My father was an extremely abusive and violent man who beat my mother for years. One day, when I was about 13, he started raging at her about the state of my bedroom wall because I had pinned some posters up with tacks which left tiny holes. He shouted at her, called her kinds of vile things and then punched and kicked her. I remember her getting up from the floor, picking up a plastic tennis bat and chasing me into my brother’s bedroom and she beat me with it so badly that it shattered. I remember her shouting at me saying I was the bane of her life because I was the reason she was getting beaten. I remember lying on the floor after and looking under my brother’s bed and there he was hiding under it, in shock. He was 7. I’ll never forget the look in his eyes. My mother never apologised for that day. She is the sweetest, kindest most respected woman I know amongst family and friends. I don’t know how to feel about that moment but I love her dearly. But I have always found my love for her uncomfortable and awkward. I suppose deep down I haven’t forgiven her for what she did but too much time has passed and memories are no longer as reliable to even talk about it with her now. So I have moved on, but I know it altered the way I feel about her forever.

The whole family still talks about the time my mum did that to me. In the living room, having some argument about I have no idea what, but I clearly pushed my mum over the edge because she gave me a resounding slap across my face, and silence fell. I don't actually remember what happened next either.

TBH, I was a lot of hassle as a teenager, she probably was at the end of her tether and just saw red.

There was no abusive upbringing, it was the 80s so physical punishment was normal (although very, very rare in our house). I bear her no ill will over it - TBH at the time I didn't either, we just got on with it.

That's probably the difference - this was a massive shock in the middle of an otherwise fairly boring, normal childhood - not another event in a history of abuse.

Happened to me. My mum was (and is) a lovely LOVELY mum but she had a line and I really did push it too far! As a parent now I can see I was HARD work. No way would I be carrying a grudge for this long over what ultimately was a minor incident in a life time of love, support, empathy, compassion and kindness.

As the mother of 3 teenagers, I can tell you that some of them push people to the brink- and then really start pushing.
And then they forget what they did to make themselves look good.

Yes your mother did something wrong- but you (deliberately) took someone who you knew was under pressure and picked and goaded at her until she snapped.

If we sit and acknowledge that people have limits that means accepting that if we push them beyond their limits then stuff may happen that we don’t like.

Yes she shouldn’t have done it, but maybe you could have occasionally just zipped it. Would anything have persuaded you to stop that day? Or should she have taken it from you as well, as the lovely start to her day, every day?

The OP was a child. A child living in a dysfunctional family, watching her mother be abused. We don’t even know what her behaviour was, except for her allegedly making her mother late. A child is not responsible for safeguarding the wellbeing of the adults in her life. I have compassion and empathy for her mother in that situation but it does not alter the fact that the OP was not being kept safe by the people she should have been able to rely on.

No, just previously involved in child protection. There can't be DV/DA in the house and the children not be victims. The OP was also a direct victim. The OP needs to work through this now, at the point of pregnancy. She will revisit it, because she'll look at her baby and think "how could they?". It's about the OP healing. You seem very quick to minimise and dismiss. You seem to want to shut any discussion down.