AIBU to keep dd at home due to repeated incidents at school?

School is non-negotiable though? Unless you're prepared to homeschool her for her entire school life?

So she is playing with these boys?

Tell her to smack them in the mouth

I’d consider a bigger school. With smaller schools you get stuck with kids like this for years.

But for tomorrow reassure her you’ll speak to the staff first. Tell them she is scared of school and upset when sleeping.

You’re supposed to take her to school? Speak with the teacher and explain how she is feeling so the teacher is aware. But don’t keep her off every time she has an argument or a bad day. It won’t help anything get resolved.

I agree and if the outcome isn’t satisfactory go to the governers which is usually the next step.

Telling a five year old girl that the solution to boys’ bad behaviour is for her to be responsible for hiding away from them with the girls is a shockingly bad message to give to girls.

They are five, the adults in the room need to address why they cannot manage the children without excusing and ignoring bullying behaviour.

It’s not resilient to have to put up with that. I detest it when adults throw around the word resilience because other adults won’t address an issue effectively. I would act hard to nip this in the bud. Speak to the school and say you want to get to the bottom of it, your daughter is now upset at the thought of coming to school and what is the solution?

It's as likely she's wanting to stay home because she was in trouble, none of this sounds particularly targeted, especially as it sounds like she is choosing to play with them, it's just kids playing who haven't learned boundaries yet.

There's a balance between dismissing her feelings and not fueling them when you should have an adult sense of perspective. Validating a 5yo drama isn't always helpful, sometimes they actually want you to reassure them it's a non event.

It's also odd to say avoiding them isn't a solution but avoiding school altogether is, she'll get mixed messages from that.

Be the adult in the room, talk to the other adults and spend some time around groups of children to remind yourself what they are like.

So what did you do? At that age you can pick them up and carry them in.

Have you phoned the school?

This is the way to go.
We are going to school, but we are going to the office and going to talk to the head.
You turn up at office, say that dd refused to come to school because of what was happening in class and ask to speak to head.
If head not available, make an appointment to see head, and then say you will return with dd when head available.
It is better to talk to class teacher first, but if dd is refusing, then this is the way to go.
Try not to say you don't have to go to school, try and say - we will sort out what is happening in the classroom so you feel safe.

I am a bit on the fence here. It does sound like they are targeting her, and there are 2 of them and 1 or her. But she does sound as if she is giving as good as she gets, which is clouding the picture.
It is really important to keep a paper trail.
One thing to do is to write an email after a meeting, even if only a chat on the door:
Thank you for meeting/talking with us on xxx date.
Just to confirm, that this meeting was because of yyyyyy happening in class.
Your suggestion was that dd needs to keep her hands to herself.
I would like to register my concern that the behaviour of hitting/kicking etc is not being addressed

Put everything the teacher says in writing back to the teacher. Then when you talk to anyone else you have a paper trail of what has happened so far.

This

@Gertrudethechicken did you manage to get her in? Have you spoken/had any communication with the school?

It's tough because from what you've put it sounds like they're choosing to play with eachother, then winding eachother up? Even when she was upset last night you said she said "they're too annoying" - not mean, not scary, "annoying"... They're 5 years old, of course they're going to annoy or upset eachother sometimes.

They need to learn how to be around eachother and staying home every time isn't going to help anything really.

Last year (year 1) there were 2 girls in my son's class who were basically "frenemies" they were pals one minute and in tears the next because one had tore the others picture, then the other had taken her hair clips and on and on, but also if asked they'd both say they were best friends (I know because we'd walk home with one and always see the other in the morning)

My son also asked me once "mum would you like it if you were punched in the face?" so obviously I said no where's that come from and he goes "oh "Dylan" punched "Casey" and his nose was bleeding but they just kept playing together, that's strange isn't it?" (My son is autistic) I didn't really know what to say to that one really 🤣

This is for the teachers to sort out and explain. I would take this seriously, your DD is being picked on by two boys and she’s now been hit too. What kind of sanctions to they have? In DD’s school the child is removed from the class for a period of time if they are too disruptive. school should be safe for everyone, we are just making them safe for misbehaving children. It’s perfectly understandable she retaliated, it’s not like schools doing anything about it.

Honestly as well I do think boys need a firmer hand in regards to their behaviour towards girls. People do this “oh they are only 5” when a boy hits a girl and then are surprised when boys behave abominably towards girls when they get bigger. The strength differences also start around this age as well. My brother knew from a very early age that you don’t hit girls, it was made extremely clear, same with DH, both have would had hell to pay at home if they had ever laid a finger on a girl at school or home. I worry that in the interest if equality we are ignoring the long term consequences of excusing boys when they use violence against girls.

it really is part of life to learn how to ignore/deal with a bit of unkindness.

A "bit" of unkindness? Are you joking? Two boys have ganged up on her, drawn on her cardigan with black pen, broken one of her models, drawn on her artwork and one of them has hit her.. and she's just been told to stay away from them?

That's just not good enough to be honest, it's not "wet" to escalate that further, if the boys can't keep their hands to themselves, and the teachers can't effectively deal with that level of bullying (which is what it is) then it needs escalating further anyway.

No wonder she doesn't want to go in, I'd be secretly raging if that was my daughter, especially the teacher dismissing it as just as much her doing because she happens to be the one being targeted by them.

You cannot allow your little girl to not get an education because boys are harassing her.

Take her to school and speak to the head. I think you could also practice assertiveness with her, rather than reaction/retaliation.

Having a bit of a tantrum about going to school in early years and KS1 is not school refusing.

You are teaching you child that all she has to do is make a fuss to give her the power to manipulate you and get what she wants. You are also teaching her that you don’t have any confidence in her ability to cope with minor difficulties in life. Don’t be surprised when she’s a teenager with behavioural issues and anxiety.

You can’t keep her off school for this. Like another poster I would say ‘Everyone has to go to school, but you are clashing with Jack, Oliver and Max so don’t go near them. Play with the girls.’

So tell a girl she is responsible for managing the behaviour of poorly behaved girls.

The problem behaviour needs to be addressed in the boys if that is the source. Far too often its girls who are moved desk, class or even school after harassment by boys. It can also happen to boys who are bullied. This wasn’t a bit of name calling or mutual argument - the boys scribbled on her clothes, destroyed her work and from her point of view she is being punished not them. It should have been addressed long before things escalated into a two way fight.

I can’t believe posters think that scribbling on a child’s clothes with marker pen and destroying their work is just classroom hi jinks and the victim should be separated and penalised.

I would incline the @steppemum option of going to school with the child but not leaving the child until the head has sat down with me and explained what is happening and how they are addressing the behavioural issues in the class.

OP, what are you going to gain by keeping her off school? You have two choices: speak to the teacher and see what can be done, while telling DD to stay well away from the two boys, or change her school. It’s not OK to let DD think that if she falls out with someone at school, then she gets to have a day off. My DD had problems at school - the day she refused to get dressed, I actually just put her coat on over her underwear, took her in and got her dressed once I got there. It didn’t happen again. I did, eventually, change schools for her, though, and she was a changed child.

FGS. And we wonder why we have so many NEETS when this is how we teach kids to handle themselves.

Sound like 6 of one, half a dozen of the other.

I really really hope you didn't let her stay at home today - otherwise you are going to have a nightmare on your hands over the next 10 years or so.

Someone should have called you this morning. I’m surprised they haven’t by now. Please do go back in tomorrow and ask to speak to them.

Has she been off again today? Have you called them again?