AIBU to keep dd at home due to repeated incidents at school?

In my experience, even if the head/deputy head arent in school that day, there is always a member of the Senior Leadership Team “on duty” for issues that come up. I’d think that if an issue was bad enough for you to feel that your dd couldn’t go to school, they would’ve made time to see you - if you’d asked.

@ Gertrudethechicken -
My DD did understand that it was not OK to refuse to get dressed and go to school - sometimes, you just have to be the parent, difficult though that may be. If you let your DC think that school is negotiable, you’ll always have trouble. Having said that, if there are ongoing problems, they need to be addressed, and in the final analysis, perhaps changing schools might be the best solution - it was for us.

That’s good you have a plan in place. I hope things work out.

I agree with PP…giving days off school so soon into term, rather than teaching her strategies to cope, is a big mistake. This isn’t bullying, it’s 5 year olds being a bit silly and the child needs to learn how to handle it sooner rather than later. You are passing your anxiety about it onto your daughter, when this is when you really need to show your strength and that you have her back and that isn’t by caving at the first uncomfortable thing.

And why wouldn't you?! What an odd comment.

Hmm, I suspect things will continue to be difficult. You do need to remember that you only have one side of the story and the teacher was very clearly, but gently, trying to get you to see that she was very much a part of the poor behaviour going on. Hopefully her own behaviour will also improve.

Lesson
When mum says get dressed from now on, the child gets dressed. This was a lesson learned the hard way in this posters childs case.
Sometimes children push boundaries that cannot be pushed.
One of mine had to be carried in daily for 2 weeks. All because they wanted to be in the other class with their friend from nursery. I could of insisted DC was moved. However it was a lesson reinforced kicking off doesn't get you your own way. I need to work to pay the bills, the children need to be in school. It wasn't a battle I was fighting for them.

That’s good. I think it’s pretty dreadful they took that long to come back to you though.

You do realise that resilience is something DC learn. That you have to help them with?

Children do not need MH services at 5 because another child is mean. Your DC has already learnt to stand up for themselves but by keeping them off you are saying it ok to study home when it's a little bit tough and mummy will sort it.

I think school haven’t handled it well, at the time of the events and since. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect someone in the school to have responded by now and nipped this in the bud.

Some of the comments on this thread remind me of programmes showing harassment in the workplace in the 80s. OP hasn’t gone up or kept her child off in the first instance. She wants it dealt with by one of the adults who should not be telling her to get on with it, but should be dealing with it.

At my school there was a child who was subjected to horrible racial abuse and the school did nothing. She tried to ignore it and was sought out. One day she retaliated with a comment and was told she’d given as good as she got and the violence was also overlooked. Sometimes schools need a push to deal with things and be the adults. For all OP knows, her DC is the bully - she needs to know this. If it’s equal, she needs to know this. If her DC is being bullied, she needs to know this and so do the parents of the other children involved.

If the school had said they’ll keep an eye out, will arrange a meeting and in the meantime say they will get to the bottom of it, that probably would have sufficed for OP. They haven’t even done that. It’s really poor. They’ve done nothing, except tell a kid to make better choices. How can the child choose whether someone draws on her or breaks her things? The teacher and the school could make better choices.

Maybe OP could have said her child was unwell as some schools seem to respond to that with a visit by day three.

You really need to step up and parent here. Every child experiences something upsetting in their school career. It isn’t your job as a parent to shield from every possible upset but to be in it with her and navigate it to solve things when they do. You need to show her you’re supporting her in the difficulties.
You do this by taking her to school but seeing the teacher or the head first. I agree that DD should stand up for herself and that it’s the teachers job to manage the behaviour of the children and to stop the boys from hurting her.
However, it also does sound like you DD has made some silly choices too. And you don’t know that the boys haven’t been spoken to and told to make better choices too.
Nobody is saying your daughter should tolerate the behaviour and school do need to really step up here. But you haven’t handled this well at all.

You have just taught your daughter that she can get out of school when she doesn’t like something. You have taught her that she doesn’t need to be resilient, and can drop out when things get tough.

The sort of thing you are talking about happens every day in schools around the country. You’ve done very little to find a solution as an adult, just let a small child get her own way.

Good luck trying to manage school refusal when she’s older. Good luck to her and her employers when she’s an adult.

This is insane I genuinely can’t believe what I’m reading 😮

She apologised later genuinely thought it was me as a parent being too much I thought i was being moderate asking for the separation of all parties you cant agree with everyone 🤷‍♂️

You shouldn’t just send her in regardless but rather than just keeping her off and waiting. Go into the school. With her and request to speak to the head/safeguarding lead there and then.

explain your DD can’t attend until you have spoken to someone. Make it their problem to resolve instead of waiting and then you’ll just get moaned at about attendance.

Nope, my DD’s friend was punched in the face by a boy, she was told to be “more resilient” it’s just bullshit because most schools have trouble being honest that some kids are little shits and it’s all about being inclusive so we are super kind to bullies instead of directly telling them their behaviour is awful and they need to shape up. It’s rubbish like restorative justice thats permeated our schools. Needs to go.

This little girl is not responsible for the behaviour of boys.

@SandyHappyPersonI agree with much of your post. The school is prolonging this.

I think poster like you are being ridiculous to be honest. I've got a 5 year old girl, and I agree with the sentiment that she should be in school, but imo I think I would be doing what OP is doing, although I'd be inclined to go into the school.

If she doesn’t feel like it she doesn’t have to go.
This is the school's failure to step in and protect her, all she has learned at this point is if she is bullied and hurt, her mum will step in.

she seemed to be standing up for herself, which is great.
No, she retaliated to ongoing UNCHECKED bullying by two boys, then got in trouble herself.

also, if she needs to learn to make good choices
She has been told to 'stay away from them', but how is that achievable in a small classroom, I'm sure she was staying perfectly away from them when they drew all over her artwork? ruined her cardigan? She wasn't playing with them when that happened? but then it's easier to get the victim to change their behaviour to not attract the attention of the bullies, what the hell is THAT teaching?

I feel like posters like you are teetering into the disgusting 'boys will be boys' category, where two boys to ganging up and bullying a lone girl because she is an easy target is wrote of as hi-jinx.. the school should be all over that, but they haven't even been arsed to contact OP, says it all really about their care and attention to student welfare.

What she should be learning is that if she is bullied, her clothes ruined, her artwork ruined and she's been hit, or she feels unsafe attending, then the school will take action to stop it. Our school is pretty hot on this sort of thing, we've had some incidents with a couple of boys doing quite nasty things to my daughter, they are never allowed to get away with it, so while she sometimes feels upset by it, she will go back knowing the teachers are there to stand up for her, THAT is what the school should be doing in OPs case and they are failing.

It’s impossible to know. These two boys could be little shits. And/ or your DD could be as much to blame.

You cannot trust a 5yo word. It’s 60% at best of times.

ie.
I have a son who’s allergic to lying and I have seen literally with my own eyes scenarios where he is adamant he has been the victim of a major injustice - and it’s no, you were a part of that and that was 100% going to be the outcome for someone - it just happened to be you.

Likewise I have seen plenty little shits. They do exist.

Both scenarios can interact and the best advice really is stay away from them.

You cannot just keep off school - I assume she has just started. This will be affecting her ability to form friendships. It will be harder to join back in the longer you leave it. This is important term for social groups forming.

As her parent, this is exactly what you need to do. You cannot show her that staying off of school for "ABIT" is a solution. You appear to think that the teacher's suggestion was terrible, yet this suggestion would simply be part of a bigger solution by a busy teacher many other things to consider - such as her learning. Keeping her off is a very slippery slope and sends the wrong message to her. Being a secondary teacher, I can promise you, you do not want to go down this road! Try to model positive behaviour and reactions the best you can and not that hiding from difficult situations is ever a solution. Is this your first child by any chance? By child two or three, you will look back and realise how silly you are being.

Kindly, you are making it worse as you are giving her the message that school is optional, and that she can opt out of difficult or unpleasant things. Unfortunately those are not good life lessons overall or the beat way to build resilience,.plus it will be harder to get her back in to school.

Talk to her, stand up for her but don't remove her form the situation for what is a very low level issue.

You need to send her into school and book a meeting in with the teacher. You’re hearing one side of the story and it sounds like your DD isn’t innocent in all this. You need to find out the facts. Agree with others that you’re teaching her just to run from problems.