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AIBU?

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Original poster

The mum thinks I'm being petty, but I don't want to drive her kid

170 replies

AvacadoChic · 12/09/2026 10:12

I have a friend with two daughters. One is 14 and the other is 7. The 7 year old took a long time to conceive and the mum was delighted when she was finally pregnant, as a result the girl is very doted on. The 14 year old is treated more like a nusiance and in my opinion, the 7 year old is allowed to be quite unkind to her.

The 7 year old doesn't follow rules and has been banned from my house in the past for things like taking my make up and using it to paint my son's wall and mirror while the adults were downstairs. The mum has always been strict with the older child, but not at all with the younger one. The mum did clean up the mess, but the child wasn't at all bothered.

About a year ago I was giving them both a lift along with my own kids and the 7 year old started laughing at the 14 year old for wearing a bra, and the older girl became really embarrassed and uncomfortable. I kept telling the younger one to stop, but that made her say it even more and louder. I told her to stop shouting while I'm driving but she just continued. If she had have been older, I'd have kicked her out of the car, but I couldn't, so I continued to drive her home. By the end of the journey, I was so angry as she had humiliated her sister in front of her friends and laughed at my attempts at discipline. At one point in the journey, I said that if she doesn't stop now, she is never getting in my car again, which was a bit over the top, but I had run out of anything else to say. But anyway, that did nothing.

When I dropped them off, I told the mum, who later text me to say she had sent both girls to their rooms and that she is very sorry. The family don't have a car and I have continued to offer the older girl lifts but have refused to drive the younger one. The mum thinks I have made my point and should stop being so petty, but I think that the child is no better behaved now and if I back down on this, then she knows that she can behave however she likes with me.

This evening there is an event which my and her children are going to. The mum has again asked for a lift and it will be difficult for them to get there without someone driving them. It wouldn't be much out of my way to take them, but I don't want to back down on this. If another parent pickes them up, it will be more of a hassle than if I did it because we live so close together, but I don't want to be the kind of person who says one thing and then does another when people put pressure on me. AIBU?

OP posts:
DidYeAye16 · 12/09/2026 13:26

I think I'd take her if the mums going to be there in the car with her. I'd continue not to take her on my own, surely that's enough.

BabooshkaHaHa · 12/09/2026 13:29

If you can’t cope with the stress of thinking this child may cause a crash, just express your fear and your decision plainly and own it.

The behaviour of the 7 year old was unacceptable and a year is a long time in the life of a child. But you say you her behaviour hasn’t improved. I also wonder whether you just don’t like her regardless of whether her behaviour might be dangerous in the car?

It’s healthy to learn that our bad behaviour or bad choices don’t fix us as being bad people. It sounds unreasonable and very black and white to think this child cannot or will not evolve.

If I decided to give a lift in these circumstances I would set some clear boundaries—eg, if they behave badly and don’t stop I will bring them back home / will have to stop the car for parent to collect / they will not get any more lifts for 6 months etc.

MeridianB · 12/09/2026 13:30

RosaNovella · 12/09/2026 10:20

Stand by your decision
Parent sounds awful as does the child, but not her fault obviously

It will just carry on and on if you dontxstand firm

" Xs behaviour is making it unsafe when Im driving, No"
Then a firm No that doesnt work for me if she carries on

This. Stick to your guns. The mother still doesn’t get it. Hopefully the older DD will have noticed that you tried to stick up for her.

LongDarkTeatime · 12/09/2026 13:30

It sounds like this 7 year old has not been given the opportunity to learn to respect boundaries.
Can you tell the parents she has a chance to show she has been helped to understand how to respect other people’s boundaries (appropriate to her age). But, if there is another occurrence she’ll be banned again until she is helped to understand.
I’m suggesting it like this as it’s the parents’ responsibility to change and teach this child, rather than it magically happening age 7. Plus they need to teach her for the sake of the older daughter.

wfhwfh · 12/09/2026 13:34

I think you are right, OP.

It’s important for the 14-year old to see an outside adult having her back so she realises it isnt just her.

It’s also an important lesson for the mum and younger child to learn. The reality is if you want favours from people, you cant be unpleasant, or people wont want you around. They arent entitled to lifts.

It’s also unpleasant for your own children having this child around so you are saving them discomfort.

WyrdHag · 12/09/2026 13:36

The 7yo sounds like a pain in the bum, but sibling mickey taking of other people's kids really isn't something you need to involve yourself in and after a year the 7yo is going to have no recollection whatsoever of the event you describe.

By refusing the lift all you're doing is potentially making life more difficult for the older child

MyDeftDuck · 12/09/2026 13:44

Tell the other to book a taxi……after all, that’s all she sees you as OP.

godmum56 · 12/09/2026 13:54

I wouldn't be blaming the child for this anymore than I would be blaming a badly behaved dog. In either case I'd be blaming the person responsible for their upbringing. I think you can dislike a child's (or a dog's) behaviour without disliking the dog. I might even feel sorry for the child or the dog because of the upbringing they are getting.
None of which would mean that I would allow them in my car or my home. Because I am a nasty cow, I'd probably explain this to the parent or the dog owner. I mught go so far as to say that the other child or dog is still welcome because they are better behaved.

Shinyandnew1 · 12/09/2026 14:00

Why is it your responsibility to drive her kids anywhere? If she can’t drive, she needs to make alternative plans as she would if you didn’t exist-you’re not her chauffeur.

seahorsessky · 12/09/2026 14:11

FAFO. If the mum had done this kind of parenting, instead of what she probably thinks is gentle and permissive, her older daughter would be happier and her younger not an entitled, rude bully. A 7 year old bullying a 14 year old for wearing a bra? Refusing to be quiet when told to by an adult (you)?

puppysleepdeprivation · 12/09/2026 14:13

Your friend doesn't sound like someone I could stomach being around, if she's spoiling her younger daughter and failing the older one (by being unnecessarily strict, not treating her fairly, etc). I'd be tempted to back away from the whole family, because raising the issue with her is unlikely to go well.

99bottlesofkombucha · 12/09/2026 14:16

Noneverever · 12/09/2026 12:34

Why on earth would a 14yr old be embarrassed about wearing a bra? They wear them much younger than that

They don’t all. How is it news that girls develop at different rates? Plenty of adult women barely need a bra.

Dependsoncontext · 12/09/2026 14:22

I actually don't think you should take the 7 year old, simply because she is likely to distract you from driving. I'd be telling the mother this too.

Francestein · 12/09/2026 14:45

Could you report what you have witnessed to the school? They might offer counselling to the older sister or even get services in to offer support to the wider family if they think it’s necessary.

QueenietheGreat · 12/09/2026 14:49

@AvacadoChic
You're not being unreasonable
Stick completely to your guns
You're probably the only one they know of who does
Only hoping the older sister
When the time is right makes a complete break for it
And starts to live a happier life
Poor Thing

InterestedDad37 · 12/09/2026 14:54

You can't (probably) change their family dynamic (that's up to them), but you can stick to your guns, and I think you should 💪

Nearly50omg · 12/09/2026 14:55

If the other family don’t have a car to drive their spoilt brat around then they can get a taxi or a bus or a train!!!

godmum56 · 12/09/2026 14:59

Noneverever · 12/09/2026 12:34

Why on earth would a 14yr old be embarrassed about wearing a bra? They wear them much younger than that

its my experience that most people can be made to feel embarassed/upset about something if they are needled continuously and in the right way and never defended by the people who should.

Horses7 · 12/09/2026 15:01

Tink3rbell30 · 12/09/2026 10:20

You're in the right. I would just take the older one.

This - and I wouldn’t feel the least bit guilty about it.

fiorentina · 12/09/2026 15:10

The mum needs to step up and learn to drive/get a car and be a proper parent. Amazed you’re still friends.

tripleginandtonic · 12/09/2026 15:15

ShutteredUp · 12/09/2026 10:24

It seems quite strange to me that you view the 14 year old as so totally at the mercy of a child 7 years younger. That doesn’t make a lot of sense to me.

You’re taking this awfully personally, too. Is it reminding you of something in your own life?

I mean, a year of refusing to give the 7 year old lifts because of her teasing her sister once seems quite extreme to me, but maybe it’s more that you don’t want to be their default lift giver, anyway? I don’t blame you. As a non-driver myself, I get myself and my child to places via public transport or taxis and refuse invitations etc if that’s not possible, and it’s quite entitled of the other mother to expect lifts a lot, regardless of the 7 year old. Maybe just stop giving them lifts altogether?

Edited

This

euff · 12/09/2026 15:16

JamJar187 · 12/09/2026 12:19

I feel you made a huge mistake by continuing lifts for the 14yo.

You should have stopped cold turkey. Whether that would have made the awful mum realise or not is another matter, but if you had completely stopped, you wouldnt be in this predicament now.

My advice would be to say, your kids, your problem and I am not taking anyone.

Otherwise your words mean nothing if that other mum manages to wangle a lift out of you for any or both of her kids. Up to you though.

Show quote history

The op didn’t want to punish the 14 year old for her sister’s behaviour. Yes it’s her parents responsibility and op doesn’t need to do anything for her but it’s really nice that she continues to support the 14 year old. The op might be the only one in her corner, it’s probably nice for her to get away from her family and sister too for a bit. It also makes the clear point that she has no problem doing favours where the eldest well behaved child is concerned.

It would piss me off that the mum keeps asking about the younger one and that she called you petty. It would probably make me stick to my guns on not taking her.

JamJar187 · 12/09/2026 15:18

euff · 12/09/2026 15:16

The op didn’t want to punish the 14 year old for her sister’s behaviour. Yes it’s her parents responsibility and op doesn’t need to do anything for her but it’s really nice that she continues to support the 14 year old. The op might be the only one in her corner, it’s probably nice for her to get away from her family and sister too for a bit. It also makes the clear point that she has no problem doing favours where the eldest well behaved child is concerned.

It would piss me off that the mum keeps asking about the younger one and that she called you petty. It would probably make me stick to my guns on not taking her.

Show quote history

I hear that, but ultimately, the 14yo is not the responsibility of the OP.

That's all there is to it.

Wadsworthy · 12/09/2026 15:20

Just take the older child, saying that the behaviour of the younger child endangers everyone’s safety.

If the mother doesn’t drive, she’s probably not aware that someone shouting and playing up while you’re trying to drive can be quite dangerous.

euff · 12/09/2026 15:22

JamJar187 · 12/09/2026 15:18

I hear that, but ultimately, the 14yo is not the responsibility of the OP.

That's all there is to it.

Show quote history

The op is kind enough to look past that. She can of course stop and say that but she’s nice and she doesn’t have any issue with taking the 14 year old. Her post was about the 7 year old.