The mum thinks I'm being petty, but I don't want to drive her kid

This seems sensible

I agree with this. Lay down ground rules before they get into the car, tell her that if she breaks them that you won’t be driving her anywhere for another year, as her behaviour is unacceptable and dangerous. You don’t allow that in your car as you don’t like it, and it could cause an accident.

I feel you made a huge mistake by continuing lifts for the 14yo.

You should have stopped cold turkey. Whether that would have made the awful mum realise or not is another matter, but if you had completely stopped, you wouldnt be in this predicament now.

My advice would be to say, your kids, your problem and I am not taking anyone.

Otherwise your words mean nothing if that other mum manages to wangle a lift out of you for any or both of her kids. Up to you though.

You are not being unreasonable at all, and you are right to have this boundary. However I do think you need to hold a space to allow that the 7yo may learn, mature and improve their behaviour.

Clearly you still see this family from time to time. I think you need to let the mum know that you are holding to your decision for the time being and will not change your mind for reasons of the logistical practicalities of helping them get to places. However, you will be open to hearing from their child as and when they gain sufficient maturity and understanding to be able to talk to you about why their behaviour was so disrespectful and inappropriate, to apologise for it in a meaningful way (not just saying "sorry" which costs nothing, but showing a proper understanding of how they need to behave better) and to promise to behave properly in future. That's too much to expect of a 7yo so you don't expect it to happen any time soon but if the mum works on teaching her youngest child manners and self discipline as the price they have to pay in order to be able to ask for favours like lifts, then you will be benefitting the whole family by insisting on such respect.

This is what I came on to say too. Everyone deserves a second chance in my book. Give her just the one. If she misbehaves I would ban her indefinitely.

So the spoilt brat child hasn't changed?

So why should you change either OP?

As I said, you would do well to sack them both off. You arent a taxi service.

Those kids are the responsibility and problem of that mum. Dont let her problems become yours.

Why should the older girl suffer even more because of her sister? And why don't you think the 14 year old is at the mercy of a 7 year old when it's clearly the family dynamic?

It's called consequences!
Both the cf mum and her wayward brat should have realised that by now. As others have said they've had a year to change their act by calling for taxis or learning to drive and to date have not done so. Life's a bitch at times!!

Hard NO. Stick to your guns OP.

I’m very strict with car behaviour and that child would not be getting back in my car. You told her to stop shouting whilst you were driving and she carried on, she can’t be trusted to do as she asked.

We had this with one of my daughters friends (not friends anymore thank god) my husband took them both out for the day as a treat and this kid demanded to sit in the front then proceeded to touch everything she could after my husband told her to leave the dashboard alone while he was driving. Then the girls were taking it in turns to choose songs to listen to, on our daughters turn her friend declared that she didn’t want that one and promptly screamed, kicked, started pressing every button she could. My husband was on a dual carriage way for Christ sake! Wouldn’t stop when my husband told her it was dangerous. Awful awful behaviour. He pulled over and I had to call her mother to go get her as he refused to drive her after that. She has never been allowed in our car again.

stick to your guns OP, boundaries are important. Actions have consequences

Why on earth would a 14yr old be embarrassed about wearing a bra? They wear them much younger than that

I think I would say the younger one needs to apologise to me for her behaviour in my car. And specifically say “sorry for x,y and z.” Not just a general sorry. I would then respond to the child saying if it happens again no more lifts. And make that clear to the mum too.

Although saying that I did vote YANBU because I wouldn’t want her in the car again, she sounds awful.

This.
why are under no obligation to give lifts. What does she think you are a taxi? If you do consider giving her a lift has she actually apologised? I would tell her she was being unkind and hurtful to her sister. If she is unlind at all in your car she is not welcome. If she makes excuses and ums and ahs just say I dont care.
a kid stole from my kid the other day and instead of apologising starting making excuses. I said I dont care. Not interested in excuses just apologise and we can move on. He wouldnt. His mum equally make up random excuses. So now I just don’t interact with them. Life is too short for people who have bad behaviours

PinkPanther's idea is a good one. I feel your initial veto was a consequence for the mother too, which obviously she needed.

I think if you do decide to allow the girl another chance, you need to be very clear with her, that regardless of what the rules for behaviour are with her mother, that when they are with you, the rules are that when she is told to stop a behaviour, she stops it that minute, no argument. And that one of the behaviours that are not tolerated, are making another person, including her sister, uncomfortable, by word or deed.

I do worry though, that the younger child (and the mother) will take you deciding to give the child yet another chance, as a 'win'. I really wouldn't care whether the mother thinks you are being petty. She's clearly shown her judgment cannot be trusted, anymore than her parenting can be, or her younger child's behaviour.

You're doing her a favour taking the older one. She should be grateful for small mercies. (I'm sure her poor older daughter is).

No child who took my makeup and scribbled on my walls would be allowed back on my property, be it house or car!

Mum is using you because she doesn't have a car. She's a shitty mother and a shitty friend. Stick to your guns and try to be a safe place for the teenager if you can.

I think you've made the right call here.

Ordinarily I would have said give them a second chance after a year. But the Mum punished the older girl, didn't want to hear any of the details and didn't get the 7 year old to apologise to you.

The ban isn't really for the 7 year old IMHO but for the Mum.. who seemingly still hasn't learned her lesson.

I would still offer 14 year old occasional lift but I think you are right to stand firm. Its the Mum who needs to learn from the ban and act accordingly. Hopefully its a wake up call. Not a case of you being petty at all

also @AvacadoChic - you are not a free taxi. She's obviously been managing for the past year, so you are clearly not their only option. If the child has'nt changed, you'd only have to go through the same process again and it sounds from your post as though this has made you feel very bad about it. But you were not in the wrong.

Edited to add.. just seen far from being grateful for previous loads of previous lifts she had the bare face cheek to order you to "stop being so petty"and comply with her demands. Very dim way to ask someone for a further favour having abused the priviledge in the first place. Both she and her DD7 sound through ugly unpleasant. How dare she!

The teenage years are very challenging ones for most of us, with all of the changes going on and you not really being a child anymore but also not yet an adult; and it's so common to feel ultra self-conscious about so many seemingly-trivial things that those of us with far more miles on the clock wouldn't think twice about.

Imagine you're a 14yo who wears a bra and who may have been teased about being bigger or smaller than other girls your age - or you've noticed considerable differences between you and your peers, and are concerned about developing 'normally', even if nobody has said anything. The boys have likely shown unwanted (and usually deeply immature) 'interest' and may have been making comments and/or trying to ping your bra straps - sexually assaulting you but 'just a bit of fun' to them. You just want people to leave you alone and not mention it... but another child - even though it's your 7yo sister - has noticed and decided to tease/shame/make fun of you about it. Of course it's going to upset her.

How had the mum planned to get her kids there if the event is tonight?

Don’t say one thing but do another.

Children - especially pampered ones like this - do need to understand that adults, when they threaten consequences, mean what they say. If you give in, then in the child’s mind, her poor behaviour wasn't a big deal worthy of a sanction. In reality, it was.

Someon calling me petty about whom I bring in my car would be told to get lost.
CF.
The mother should be mortified but clearly isn't.
The child hasn't changed.

Your car, which YOU pay for.
That badly behaved child was a driving distraction.
No way would I be having in my car.

sorry that's an auto typo.. i just meant to say unpleasant. not ugly.

It would be unsafe to drive with her in the car.

If you ever find yourself in a position where someone is being awful whilst you're driving then please find a safe place to pull over and deal with it.

Stopping might have sharpened the impact of being told to stop it.

But don't put yourself into a position where you have to deal with their poor parenting consequences again.

Good for you. In your position once I'd made it clear that having the 7 year old in my car wasn't an option I'd be sticking to my guns too. The mother not driving isn't your problem.