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Original poster

AIBU to feel unfairly ostracised after a joke at the sports club?

308 replies

Sasco86 · 08/09/2026 23:39

So a few weeks ago, there was what I perceived as a jokey conversation going on and another mum said her stepson was as gay as they come. I jokingly said that she wouldn’t be getting any grandchildren from him any time soon then. To me, i was just joining in on the jokey conversation and that’s all it was. I have now been ostracised and reported to the safeguarding lead officer at the sports club this happened at. People who were my friends have taken her side because she’s made it far more of a thing than it was and my children have even been told things that are far from true. I almost feel that this person is now trying to bully us out of the club. Adult bullying is by far the most horrible situation I’ve ever experienced.

OP posts:
BunkBedsArePeopleShelves · 09/09/2026 11:18

ifonlytheydlisten · 08/09/2026 23:47

I am aware btw that gay men can have children. I know loads gay couples with kids but I still think it would be generally seen as an innocent joke

Where's the joke though? What is meant to be funny?

OtterlyAstounding · 09/09/2026 11:19

Loloblue · 09/09/2026 11:16

this was a nasty and untruthful thing for you to say. Plenty of gay people have kids.

What's nasty about it?

OtterlyAstounding · 09/09/2026 11:21

Timeforanothernamechange3 · 09/09/2026 11:16

Very different for gay people to make a joke themselves compared to people making it about them. Same for any minority.

Show quote history

I thought that about the stepmother's 'he's as gay as they come' comment - fine for a gay man to say about himself, but a bit homophobic to use about someone else, with the implications that are involved.

ginasevern · 09/09/2026 11:21

Loloblue · 09/09/2026 11:16

this was a nasty and untruthful thing for you to say. Plenty of gay people have kids.

Announcing to a group of strangers that your stepson is "as gay as they come" isn't exactly kind or appropriate either.

Smokeywater · 09/09/2026 11:22

People are so woke now -it was a bit tactless of you and I hope you have apologised - it’s a bit odd for someone to rave about how gay their child is -I suspect she is actually not ok with it thus taking offence at your comment. I would in your shoes decide to stick it out for eg 3months and see how it goes - it will probably be forgotten by then by most people

VividZebra · 09/09/2026 11:23

It was quite a homophobic thing to say. Lots of gay people have children!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/09/2026 11:28

Jokes and banter are fine as long you can fully guarantee that the person you’re bantering with can appreciate it not everyone can. I do have to say though why can’t gay people have children

OtterlyAstounding · 09/09/2026 11:28

VividZebra · 09/09/2026 11:23

It was quite a homophobic thing to say. Lots of gay people have children!

According to the English and Welsh census, "6.5% of male couples had children. In comparison, 39.7% of all opposite sex couple families had children."

So it's definitely a lot less likely! Which makes sense, considering a man can't just get pregnant, so would either need to adopt, share a child with a lesbian couple, or use a woman's body in order to procure/buy a child. Interesting to see the stats, actually.

Anarchy99 · 09/09/2026 11:29

Were you part of the conversation or did you just chip in?

millymollymoomoo · 09/09/2026 11:31

Some people get offended by everything these days. It’s pathetic

TallulahBetty · 09/09/2026 11:32

Daft thing to say, but why is it a safeguarding issue? There must be more to this - and as usual, OP is nowhere to be seen.

allthiscarryon · 09/09/2026 11:33

Sasco86 · 08/09/2026 23:39

So a few weeks ago, there was what I perceived as a jokey conversation going on and another mum said her stepson was as gay as they come. I jokingly said that she wouldn’t be getting any grandchildren from him any time soon then. To me, i was just joining in on the jokey conversation and that’s all it was. I have now been ostracised and reported to the safeguarding lead officer at the sports club this happened at. People who were my friends have taken her side because she’s made it far more of a thing than it was and my children have even been told things that are far from true. I almost feel that this person is now trying to bully us out of the club. Adult bullying is by far the most horrible situation I’ve ever experienced.

Hello, gay here. And a birth parent of 2 children. That was a pretty ignorant thing to say, outdated and I wouldn’t have found it funny but would have just marked you down as to be avoided/ignorant.
Apologise profusely and move on.

allthiscarryon · 09/09/2026 11:35

millymollymoomoo · 09/09/2026 11:31

Some people get offended by everything these days. It’s pathetic

Given that safeguarding at the Sports club are involved I suspect there’s more to it.
I’m safeguarding at a club and would have told anyone bringing this exact thing to my attention that it wasn’t anything to do with safeguarding.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 09/09/2026 11:39

As the mother of a gay son it is something that i feel sad about. He was somebody who always wanted kids. I know he can have them but it will either require surrogacy or adoption. Both not very straightforward. You may just have struck a nerve with this person.
However i do think they are over reacting.

FriendlyMedusa · 09/09/2026 12:07

Smokeywater · 09/09/2026 11:22

People are so woke now -it was a bit tactless of you and I hope you have apologised - it’s a bit odd for someone to rave about how gay their child is -I suspect she is actually not ok with it thus taking offence at your comment. I would in your shoes decide to stick it out for eg 3months and see how it goes - it will probably be forgotten by then by most people

it's a bit odd for someone to rave about how gay their child is - I suspect she is actually not ok with it
Holy projection, batman. I think it's quite normal for a parent to openly state a simple fact. It's not a shameful secret.

People are so woke now
I jolly well hope so.

LilacBalloons · 09/09/2026 12:10

I don't see how it's a safeguarding issue but I do think it was an inappropriate and homophobic comment.

I would apologise and see if you can all move on.

nowimabeliever · 09/09/2026 12:12

As a “joke” it was unnecessarily close to the bone – and not even funny – but she needs to let it go.

Anarchy99 · 09/09/2026 12:26

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 09/09/2026 11:39

As the mother of a gay son it is something that i feel sad about. He was somebody who always wanted kids. I know he can have them but it will either require surrogacy or adoption. Both not very straightforward. You may just have struck a nerve with this person.
However i do think they are over reacting.

I’m sure it’s difficult because there are more hoops to jump through with adoption, but surrogacy is so morally murky that I would hope he wouldn’t go down that route.

Timeforachange26 · 09/09/2026 13:44

oviraptor21 · 09/09/2026 08:57

Good example
"As neurodivegent as they come" would be highly offensive.
Ditto "as gay ..."

Show quote history

But the OP didn't say that.

ChalkOutlines · 09/09/2026 15:57

MajorProcrastination · 09/09/2026 09:49

That was a hurtful, ignorant and poor taste thing to say.

If I were her I'd have simply challenged you on it in the moment so you'd see that it's not a jokey thing to joke about.

I know several lesbian or gay couples who have a child or children so firstly it's not even true these days that a gay stepson wouldn't have any children.

Also knowing straight friends with fertility challenges, any laughing and joking about the likelihood of grandchildren gives me the ick in general.

To you I'd say suck it up buttercup, do the unconscious bias training, and make an apology.

Good to see a sports club push back against homophobia, even if you meant it as a joke, it's not funny and I think you could do with reflecting on why it's escalated rather than asking Mumsnet to back you up and clear your conscience.

OP didn’t say he won’t have children , just that he won’t have them any time soon. If he’s quite young, that’s a fact.

MajorProcrastination · 09/09/2026 16:26

ChalkOutlines · 09/09/2026 15:57

OP didn’t say he won’t have children , just that he won’t have them any time soon. If he’s quite young, that’s a fact.

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Your "if" is doing some heavy lifting as it was in response to the woman saying that he's "as gay as they come". If OP's response to this is "don't expect grandchildren from him anytime soon" it's quite the stretch. Or OP did you genuinely mean this was an innocent comment based on data you have on the average ages of parenthood for heterosexual people compared to homosexual people?

ChalkOutlines · 09/09/2026 16:45

MajorProcrastination · 09/09/2026 16:26

Your "if" is doing some heavy lifting as it was in response to the woman saying that he's "as gay as they come". If OP's response to this is "don't expect grandchildren from him anytime soon" it's quite the stretch. Or OP did you genuinely mean this was an innocent comment based on data you have on the average ages of parenthood for heterosexual people compared to homosexual people?

Show quote history

OP never came back to clarify, but I stated before that if the stepson is in his mid twenties/thirties then the comment is iffy. However if he’s a kid/teen, it’s a perfectly normal comment and it tends to be a running joke with parents of gay children(at least in my circles).

Suchevilforebodings · 09/09/2026 16:52

Gay people can and do have kids. Often. It's actually so common it's barely even a thing.

1992 called, they want their assumptions back.

Anarchy99 · 09/09/2026 17:14

OP hasn’t confirmed whether she was actually part of the conversation or whether she just chipped in

Dancingsquirrels · 09/09/2026 18:04

TheHungryHungryLandsharks · 09/09/2026 06:05

It’s a case of ‘alright for the parent to say’ but no one else. An ‘unspoken rule’ of parenthood.

A bit like when a parent says their child isn’t good at something (like at sports day a parent said one their child was ‘useless’ at sports) the correct response is ‘ah it’s about that taking part’ or ‘Fred’s great at cello though’ rather than ‘yeah he’s pretty shit isn’t he?’

Not quite the same, but just one of those ‘things.’

You were a bit silly to comment. She’s over-reacted in her response.

Agree with this

Your comments was tactless but I font find ut hugely offensive. And realistically, many gay men don't have children