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Original poster

AIBU to feel unfairly ostracised after a joke at the sports club?

308 replies

Sasco86 · 08/09/2026 23:39

So a few weeks ago, there was what I perceived as a jokey conversation going on and another mum said her stepson was as gay as they come. I jokingly said that she wouldn’t be getting any grandchildren from him any time soon then. To me, i was just joining in on the jokey conversation and that’s all it was. I have now been ostracised and reported to the safeguarding lead officer at the sports club this happened at. People who were my friends have taken her side because she’s made it far more of a thing than it was and my children have even been told things that are far from true. I almost feel that this person is now trying to bully us out of the club. Adult bullying is by far the most horrible situation I’ve ever experienced.

OP posts:
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Theunamedcat · 12/09/2026 10:19

Seymorbutts · 10/09/2026 09:02

The people that think the step mother was in some way being homophobic or inappropriate by saying he was “as gay as they come” are the ones who are (probably subconsciously) thinking in a homophobic way - because you’re assuming being gay is a negative thing. There’s nothing wrong with being “as gay as they come” - it likely means he’s very camp & loves going out dancing on the gay scene. So what’s wrong with saying this is what he’s like? Flip it to something most people generally see as being positive - being strong and fit say, if she said her step son likes going to the gym and said he’s “as fit as they come” (obviously fit meaning it’s original meaning, not attractive!) would anyone bat an eyelid? Apart from to perhaps accuse her of boasting. No they wouldn’t because people see that as a positive thing. If you see being gay as negative then you’ll see something wrong with being “as gay as they come”

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If i described my gay daughter as being as gay as they come she would be very unimpressed its stereotypical bollocks thst should stay in the past along with the rest of the bullshit

Anarchy99 · 11/09/2026 17:36

To be honest, the whole club sounds insufferable

Nettie1964 · 11/09/2026 14:41

WinterPalace · 08/09/2026 23:45

Sorry but that's a weird thing to say and it sounds like you wouldn't treat e.g. adopted kids as part of the family. I remember someone making a similar remark around another family member who was adopted, and felt awful for them.

However, no idea why a safeguarding person was involved?

Don't understand this at all, it wasn't particularly funny or clever but if it was in general conversation it wouldnt really bother me. People in social situations aren't thinking about every implication adopted kids. Surrogacy, sperm or eggs donors etc etc. We are going to end up not socialising at all......we are almost there with mobile phones. I remember making my friend jump she said" oh god you nearly gave me a heart attack" my father had died from a heart attack a couple of weeks before, i didnt take offense.

Feduptryingusernames · 11/09/2026 14:15

Oh I am fed up of these "victims" waiting to be offended. I'd personally tell her to FO and would not want HER company - sounds like the rest of the tribe are afraid of being called out too but for what? A jokey response. Grr these people obviously have nothing going on in their lives.

Timeforachange26 · 11/09/2026 10:04

Seymorbutts · 11/09/2026 07:31

Do the exact biological details really matter?!

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Of course. How many people on here are told not to do such and such for their step kids as it's " his kid let him deal with it"

Notsosweetcaroline · 11/09/2026 08:55

Sasco86 · 09/09/2026 23:47

I have gay friends who adopted 2 children a few years ago, so i know it’s possible. It was more a comment based on things she’d said. She was holding another baby and saying that she can’t wait to be a nanna. I said well I don’t think it will happen soon. She had openly said that neither of the girls were settled and had made a big thing about the boy being gay. She has actually taken it out of context because it wasn’t just directed about the boy. But that’s how she’s seen it and made it sound.

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Yeah so that’s different to your op, a very different nuance. Both can’t be true.

Anarchy99 · 11/09/2026 08:24

Sasco86 · 09/09/2026 23:47

I have gay friends who adopted 2 children a few years ago, so i know it’s possible. It was more a comment based on things she’d said. She was holding another baby and saying that she can’t wait to be a nanna. I said well I don’t think it will happen soon. She had openly said that neither of the girls were settled and had made a big thing about the boy being gay. She has actually taken it out of context because it wasn’t just directed about the boy. But that’s how she’s seen it and made it sound.

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Bit of a drip feed about how the conversation went. You hadn’t mentioned the fact she was discussing wanting grandchildren etc

TickedOffAndALittleFedUp · 11/09/2026 08:04

It wasn't funny but it wasn't offensive either. She just doesn't like you.

MsDitsy · 11/09/2026 07:56

AbcissionCorvid · 08/09/2026 23:50

another mum said her stepson was as gay as they come

Her exact words, OP? Really?

That what I wondered.

Seymorbutts · 11/09/2026 07:31

Timeforachange26 · 10/09/2026 20:25

But not biologically

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Do the exact biological details really matter?!

Seymorbutts · 11/09/2026 07:24

weavingrugs · 10/09/2026 11:43

I think the problem is that you can’t compare being fit with being gay. that’s because you aren’t “less gay” if you don’t enjoy hobbies that are often associated with the gay community.
In the same way that a heterosexual person isn’t more or less hetero just because they do or don’t enjoy showing their sexuality overtly in the way they dress or their preferred hobbies.

Whereas you can be “less fit” by simply partaking in a minimum amount of movement and exercise.

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Ok then a different example could be, “he’s as tall as they come” likely wouldn’t raise an eyebrow either because being tall for boys is seen as positive. Like being gay, it’s also part of who you are and you can’t be less tall no matter what you do. If she’d said “he’s as thick as they come” people would have thought she was horrible/a bad parent/a bully maybe, because being thick is seen as negative. It’s the same way with being gay, it’s still seen as a negative thing, even though most people these days think they don’t think that way. Homophobia is buried deep in our subconscious. After decades of it very much being a negative thing it remains negative in our subconscious. That’s why we don’t even realise we see it negatively. This includes gay people themselves, myself included. For us, it’s internalised homophobia. Subconsciously believing you’re worth less than hetero people, even if you don’t actually think that consciously, it shows up sometimes in your actions. Spending (for me at age 40 anyway) the first half of your life being told it’s not ok to be who you are has a profound impact on your self-worth that stays with you.

FairKoala · 11/09/2026 01:25

profile22 · 10/09/2026 18:10

If she herself said “he’s as gay as they come” I really don’t see the issue with you saying “oh you won’t be getting any grandchildren then” Any normal adult knows when people are making comments in a mean way, or if it was just a follow on comment in jest. For context, how well do u know her? If other adults are following her over this, they’re just as silly as she is.

The reply was “…wouldn’t be getting any grandchildren from him any time soon then” Which to me sounds like a question.
Or the very least a statement that you are looking for a confirmation or to be corrected

This woman is homophobic. I wonder what the step son actually thinks

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 11/09/2026 00:49

Timeforachange26 · 09/09/2026 23:09

I still don't see how her stepson having kids ( if he did) would make her a grandmother

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Oh, you're one of THOSE....

Wildefish · 10/09/2026 21:46

WinterPalace · 08/09/2026 23:45

Sorry but that's a weird thing to say and it sounds like you wouldn't treat e.g. adopted kids as part of the family. I remember someone making a similar remark around another family member who was adopted, and felt awful for them.

However, no idea why a safeguarding person was involved?

That’s a leap. We all say silly things at times that don’t have any real meaning.

Original poster
Sasco86 · 10/09/2026 20:54

Seymorbutts · 10/09/2026 09:07

But @Sasco86 as your previous posts show, this has nothing to do with your comment. She was looking for a reason to get at you/get you in “trouble”/report you for something because she doesn’t like you, probably because she feels threatened by you. If anyone else has said it nothing would have happened. She’s a nasty person and I’d keep my distance if I were you. Out of curiosity, what did the safeguarding person say?

Safeguarding person said she had to have a conversation with me because she’d recieved a complaint but I don’t think she felt it was her job and she’s one of the people who hasn’t taken sides and hasn’t ignored me

OP posts:
pineapplecrushed · 10/09/2026 20:48

Seymorbutts · 09/09/2026 10:33

Whether It’s inappropriate depends entirely on the context. Eg. If someone asked “has your step son got a girlfriend” and she said “oh no he’s as gay as they come!” It wouldn’t be inappropriate, being gay isn’t some sort of shameful secret anymore! Unless of course he’s in the closet and not ready to come out but I highly doubt that esp if he’s “as gay they come” which I’d take to mean very camp, loves going out on the gay scene etc.

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what does gay as they come mean? 'sort of gay' isn't a thing.
This women started the tone with her stupid comment and got a stupid comment back, and then complains.

pineapplecrushed · 10/09/2026 20:45

Her comment could be taken as offensive also, so she is being unreasonable. Your comment was odd, but being reported to safeguarding is OTT.

pineapplecrushed · 10/09/2026 20:44

WinterPalace · 08/09/2026 23:47

"Not getting grandkids" means something different from "less likely to have grandkids". You obviously know that, as you changed the words from what OP said.

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well she didn't say 'not getting grandkids' either so.......

Timeforachange26 · 10/09/2026 20:25

MCF86 · 10/09/2026 18:27

my step dad is very much a grandparent to my child. And he wasn't even around when I was very young.

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But not biologically

Tuesdayschild50 · 10/09/2026 19:20

Go back and have your say this pathetic women or whoever calls it a safeguarding issue is absolutely ridiculous she was joking about her gay relative something was said in jest you responded to her innocently throw it right back at them.

Judellie · 10/09/2026 19:14

No wonder people don't talk to each other any more!

LightningTree · 10/09/2026 19:12

That was pretty insensitive comment for you to make, but I do think she has over-reacted. Grand children may be an issue for her.

Magsbd · 10/09/2026 18:56

I don’t see anything wrong with what you said given that the woman had already said he was as gay as they come. The reactions to your comment are very weird indeed.

ThreadGuardDog · 10/09/2026 18:45

Sometimessmiling · 10/09/2026 18:20

It would mine. OP is crass making an outdated stereotypical comment.

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So is the stepmum.

Ketzele · 10/09/2026 18:33

Gay parent here. I'd have rolled my eyes at you, but that's it. Drama llamas really get on my nerves.