AIBU to really dislike DH after our holiday?

He sounds really horrible, the pool
thing in particular.

Oh dear. I’m afraid it’s 💯 time to make arrangements to leave. You absolutely must not put up with this and must teach your children that they must not put up with this kind of behaviour in the future.

I would be emotional if I had to share space with this unpredictable nasty git.

Set up a separate household with a sturdy lock and your 'always very emotional' will likely dissipate.

What a total prick

This!

I'm autistic, and have always been told it's an explanation, not an excuse. If I do something wrong, once I know about it and understand why it wasn't the right thing to do I apologise and modify my behaviour. Your DH might also be autistic, but the way he reacts to being corrected is nothing to do with autism and is entirely him being a prick.

I would struggle to like him too based on what you've described. Particularly the undkindness to a small child, it is not only a bit nasty but quite pathetic.

I understand your worries about DS missing his dad if you left, it is a difficult situation.

But for what it's worth, I don't think you sound too emotional etc. Definitely stop making allowances for your Dah's poor behaviour based on a non-existent diagnosis. Seems like he is playing on this too.

My instinct is that you'll all be better off without him in the picture. Get some help for DS if you feel he needs it to support him through anything that might happen but don't fall into the trap of staying for the children. You matter too.

He is an absolutely vile man. YANBU

You said it was a decisive holiday. Judging on what you said about the holiday, surely that decision is leave.

You've done it once before. Don't flip flop this time. It needs to be permanent. Stop making excuses for him and stop involving your children in the decision which has more implications than they will understand. Yes, it will be hard for them, but children are adaptable. I'm sure your husband will make things difficult and blame you, it is after all how abusive men behave.

I’m sorry, but if he is autistic then the way he reacts is likely entirely related to his iteration of autism. Some autistic people are able to reflect, like you, but others are not and it is part of their autistic wiring that they have limited/ no ability to challenge their own thoughts.

This makes them terrible spouses/ partners and parents.

@HelpMEunderstand0 All of your H's behaviour is terrible but this "A little boy of 8 years old is on the resort and is very good at pool and has beat both my kids in good spirits each time he’s played them. DH said “ Let’s see how good he is then “ and proceeded to floor him, hitting the balls in really hard and a little aggressively. I was mortified that a 45 year old would take joy in beating a small 8 year old and my son then got annoyed with DH and tried to knock the cue out of his hand on the last shot which made DH shout “ if you did that to someone in a real pool match they would punch you in the face “
is repugnant.

You said your DS excuses that behaviour based on love and a diagnosis that H refuses to even have confirmed. That is both sad and concerning.

You and your children deserve better lives than to exist with a man who is a bully.

It's easy to say "LTB" but I hope it is practically possible for you to leave him.

I understand giving it another go after your last break up OP but, these incidents really are awful. And, if he's like this with day to day issues goodness knows how he'll react to long term or serious stress/difficulties.
I'd trust that your initial feeling about splitting were valid and make it permanant now or this could result in you & your children living on eggshells forever.

He sounds like a nasty bully. Unkind too.

What a horrible role model for your children.

Okay, obviously there is more to it, and perhaps its something that you had to see for yourself, but I was expecting something a lot worst tbh. The first thing with the maltesers, surely DS was the problem here. If DH decided that they were too expensive and removed them from the basket (which is fair enough) why did DS keep putting them back and did you at any point tell him to stop? Playing pool, he acted like an overcompetitve idiot but not terrible, embarassing maybe. I presume when you said 'floor him' you mean he beat him at pool, not that he physically hurt him. The airport situation sounds like a non-issue, you missed each other. He made the kind of comment that I suspect most people would say, but apart from that, nothing really happened. Leave him if you want to, but these examples don't sound awful to me - although as I said at the beginning, there's clearly a lot more to it.

It’s so sad when children have to try and make excuses for their parents, in a desperate bid to explain their awful behaviour 💔

I think you need to raise your bar. Esp regarding the pool incident.

Maybe others won't agree, but to me, life with 3 family members with special needs could be really tough. Just the extra challenges of one can be very difficult. I dont mean that your DH is right to behave like that - just that I can imagine frustration building to a point where it gets released ocasionally is in some way understandable ?
If he's a good Dad and a provider overall should he not be cut a little slack where possible, considering his challenging family situation?

It’s more likely the uncertainty and instability he finds hard. The push-pull of a toxic relationship.

Exactly this!

Some of the replies on here are insane.

You aren’t going to get a balanced view asking a load of strangers on MN which is a site that has a lot of women that hate men posting on it. We don’t know what your behaviour is like.

It’s your marriage. Often issues are down to a lack of communication and understanding re both sides. If you want to save your marriage then look into therapy. If not then leave but don’t sit there moaning over small petty issues, that isn’t going to be good for anybody.

Releasing frustration by being rude to shop workers and bullying children?

Come off it.

This

And get your son counselling to deal with the reality that you canNOT stay with this angry, bully of a man and you can't let your son think his behaviour is acceptable, no matter a potential ND diagnosis or not.

Remind your son that he is ND with his ADHD. That doesn't excuse him from knowing right from wrong. The same rule applies to his father.

I wanted to say a few things to the people who gave tried to excuse the husband's behaviour as not that bad. I grew up with a father like this.

The not waiting outside and then being mad because she went to the gate - my father used to pull stunts like this on purpose so that he could bully my mother about it later. He would deliberately not wait where he said he would and then give us the silent treatment or blow up in anger.

He would act like a dick in shops, deliberately, to cause upset. He loved to cause upset and embarrassment. It made him feel clever and powerful.

He would be oddly competitive with other people. Had to win. Bullying children is easy. He would say he was just teaching them a lesson. He wasn't, he was just being a dick.

It is hard to understand if you are not like this, but some people really get off on behaving this way.

You've diagnosed DH as autistic and this allows DS to make excuses for him.

If DH is autistic this does NOT mean that autistic people are cruel unkind and bully others

You must make this clear to DS. You simply must

She could have texted outside the shop.

Yiu weren’t there and have only heard one side.

I was going to say something similar, and also that maybe he excuses his behaviour because you do.

Its not going to matter if he's autistic if your children grow up anxious people pleasers and get into relationships where they get walked all over because they live in fear of setting an angry person off.
Its not going to matter if he's autistic if your children go on to treat other partners and children the same way he treats them.
It doesnt matter why, because you dont have time for him to decide to take a test and the decide if he wants to try and change his behaviour and then try to change his behaviour because by then its far far far too late.