AIBU to really dislike DH after our holiday?

He sounds nasty. Aggressive towards small children. Rude to shop keepers. Upsets you and your daughter.

Doesn't matter why he's like this, what matters is the impact on you all
Break up with him properly this time

He sounds like a horrible rude bully, you and your kids would be better off without him.

He sounds very mean, angry, and unhappy. Do you know why he is like this? Is he worried about things? Very stressed at work? Generally disappointed in life? It's interesting he resists getting checked for AuDHD - does he fear being "blamed" for whatever difficulties your children experience?

None of these things are justifications for the mean and cruel ways he treats other people. But understanding why people what they do can help us make decisions.

Does he behave like this at work with his colleagues and clients? Or does he just save it up for his family?

What have I just read? 😮

Your h is a bully and a horrible man. A real shame that the 8 year old’s dad wasn’t around.

You described your son as kind like you but by staying with his dad so long, you’ve create a potential future doormat who will accept this kind of behaviour from friends and future partners. It’s very sad that he thinks that being autistic is a get out of jail free card for his dad who is a vile man who is a terrible role model for his kids. I bet your h isn’t this rude at work or has the sort of work where he doesn’t have to talk to others because someone this mean couldn’t be part of a team. If he has a manager then I bet he can control his words.

A diagnosis won’t change much. Even if he accepts it (unlikely), there’s no practical help for adults.

How was it for you when you were apart for those six months?

He doesn’t sound autistic and it’s up to him as regards testing. You sound as if you’re catastrophising somewhat. You say your emotions are high.

Re the maltesers- why didn’t you speak to your son? He’d been told several times no and no kid needs a whole box to himself. Yes dh shouldn’t have been snippy to the shop assistant but ND kids are stressful.

Re the cue your son shouldn’t have tried to grab it and does need to learn that.

Finally make better arrangements and don’t take so long in shops before flights. I’d have gone to the gate if you’d been some time and there was no sign of you. Why didn’t you ring outside the shop?

I wouldn’t make decisions on the basis of these incidents but look into marriage therapy if you’re committed to saving the marriage.

In the minority here but I don't think I'd be ending my marriage over those things.

We all have a bad day, can be crap under pressure, you weren't there at the shop, etc.

It does seem like a bit of an over reaction.

But if you don't like him anymore, you don't have to stay married.

Maybe he's unhappy too.

I don’t know what makes you think DH is autistic but he’s certainly abusive.

You really do need to separate. 💐

Even if your husband is autistic that doesn’t mean he gets to behave how he likes… you wouldn’t allow your children to behave like it by the sounds of it.
You tried again for the sake of your child, but I would think of the harm that is being done by having to witness your Dad behave in the way that your husband does. He sounds really unpleasant

I’ve worked as a couples therapist. Do not stay together for the kids. It’s actually more damaging for them to live with both parents in a toxic household where you are unhappy. They will cope with divorce better long term even if it doesn’t seem that way

OP you do know that whatever underlying diagnosis somebody has you don't have to stay with them if they're a massive twat right? The consequence of behaving antisocially is that people don't want you in their social circle (or even in their shop if you're going to destroy their stock then rudely refuse to pay for it....) This is cause and effect that pretty much every human is capable of learning, ASD or not, if we enforce boundaries rather than pussyfooting around a diagnosis

I'd suggest that you either split again with DH or at the very least have some marriage counselling. It's probably too late for him to really change but I'd be very zero tolerance of any horrible behaviour and completely disengage with it. I'd also put your energy into ensuring that DS doesn't develop the same entitlement. He needs to understand that boundaries are boundaries whether he has ADHD or not. Not excusing dad's behaviour but repeatedly putting something into a bag that he's been told he can't have at 15 is really not appropriate. He should have been told by you/dad to leave the shop before it became so frustrating. It's sad that he found your first separation so tough as well but staying together isn't the solution. He needs counselling and you need to separate regardless or you'll start to feel that he is holding you hostage in a horrible relationship and you'll resent him for that.

Ok. I read the first sentence to this post and was about to come here with a long message of support and advice as being married to an ND partner is very very hard but often worth sticking at.

None of the examples you’ve posted are actually anything to do with difficulties with ASD or (as I was expecting) finding it hard to move on from the way he was parented himself.

these examples are just of a man who is a total arsehole.

if this was a “deciding” holiday, I think you probably know what your answer is

That you would say this is a red flag that you have been emotionally manipulated and probably abused.

Your son might need help from a third party to cope, but I think you leaving would definitely be a positive thing for your and your daughter.

OP, I was once with a horrible, unempathetic, cruel and totally immovable man who refused to see anyone else’s perspective. He too made me feel like I was emotional and couldn’t trust my judgement.

I have a feeling your judgement is fine, as mine was. You’ve probably spent so long tying yourself in knots trying to fix or justify things, or making excuses for his behaviour, and listening to him, that you doubt yourself.

Your son is 15. I know you said he didn’t “cope” last time, but I bet he knows right from wrong too. He may turn out just like your DH if you don’t support him to feel free to see how he is wrong. And your poor DD sounds like she’s miserable.

Like others, I recommend couples counselling, but as a way of helping him to hear some home truths and accept the end of the relationship.

This is awful advice - the answer isn’t to tiptoe around or pander to the horrid adult man!

Poorly behaved son or not, DH was supposed to be the adult here.

Even if the OP and son were perfect, the father would still find ways to be horrible. How do you make excuses for him thrashing an 8 year old at pool in an unfriendly way?

No, no. This is a horrible man. If my DP acted like this I’d think he’d had a brain injury or was on drugs, because he’s such a caring, pleasant man. Nobody has to put up with what the OP describes. Raise the bar.

He doesn't sound autistic, he sounds sociopathic. Complete inability to be kind to children and animals.

I was sort of sympathetic with him on the Maltesers thing because you really shouldn’t have to tell a teenager multiple times if something is expensive, but then his behaviour with a random 8 year old?? Appalling.

You’ve split before, maybe time to do it for good.

One question, do you want to spend the next forty years with this man?

You don't like him, he's abusive and it's not fair on you or your children.
ASD my arse, 50% of my family are ND including my DD.

You have your whole life ahead of you, make it happy.

The first and last things are comments made in the heat of the moment when frustrated. Not good but none of us are perfect and holidays can be stressful.

The pool thing though would be a turn off for me. It sounded like he wanted to win to impress your children perhaps but it doesn't come across well at all. He shouldn't be trying to show off against an 8-year-old.

I do think DS should be told off for trying to knock the cue out of his hand although the punching reference was a bit unnecessary.

The bigger thing to me would be what the marriage is like outside of a holiday.

I think your son just needs to know that a divorced family can still be ok, he can see his dad and you and be safe and secure. And the longer you leave it the less likely it is to be in any way amicable. It’ll be hard but your kids can make their own judgement about their dad in good time.

Tbh your son sounds difficult - repeatedly putting chocolates in a basket and then pushing the cue out of someone hand.

You should have called outside the shop, not at the gate.

Tbh he sounds at his limit too.

He was a twat for being so OTT with the 8 year old tho. eta and for throwing the chocolate. But he does have a point that DSs behaviour risks rising up the wrong person.

Was he drunk/drugged?

Please don't take Ds into consideration here. You have to look at the bigger picture because I promise you, once DS is a little older he will see his father for the nasty bully that he is.

Get the fuck out of this marriage. He is utterly vile and he is demonstrating this to his DC. If you are out and have a separate home, you can make it a place of calm and decent behaviour, not this absolute shitshow.

The fact you left and went back has taught him he can say and do whatever he wants and you will doormat yourself. There is no counselling that will make this man a decent human being. He knows he is saying and doing hurtful things, he just doesn't care. The waiting outside the shop was a manipulation. You must know that right?

I wonder if part of your DS's adoration for his Dad comes from wanting to keep him happy so he doesn't have these strange and aggressive outbursts. He's likely constantly seeking out the good side of his Dad and afraid of him when he turns. He's possibly internalising his bad moods as something he's done wrong or a failure on his part, rather than his Dad just being nasty. Did you arrange therapy for the kids last time you split? I'm wondering if that may be particularly helpful for your DS.