DH blames me for DDs behaviour

Your expectations of a 6 year old are unrealistic and it's potentially damaging to communicate your unrealistic expectations to everyone especially in such an authoritative manner.
Why do you think that's ok? Please stop doing this and educate yourself about child development before giving people such directive advice

I’m a teacher and have had 3 6-year olds of my own. I know how kids can be, how they are and how we can support them as adults. Raise. Your. Standards.

Then you should understand that every child is different and what works for one child may not work for another. Especially if that child is suspected ND.

This little girl didn't even do anything wrong, she waited quietly for her mum. The DH just got angry because she didn't tell him all the minute details of her day.

I have a 17 year old with autism & ADHD. Sounds like uiu manage your daughter's routine and emotions well. People with neuro typical children won't understand fully how these small things can effect them. Especially right after school when she is decompressing from a day. Your husband needs to work through his feelings of hurt because your daughter isn't speaking to him.

Assuming you are genuine I'm not sure you've read the OP. Your reaction is disproportionate.
Are you someone who would always adhere to the view of a male adult over any other view for example the view of the mother, the perspective of the child?
In other words who defines rude for you in this scenario?

If husband has ND its possible he PERCEIVES daughter being a bit quiet as her actively hating him and choosing to mistreat him (even though she's a tired 6 year old! ).

His feelings of rejection and uncertainty become fact about her thoughts and behaviour.

That's why autism is a social connectivity disability and why sometimes the perception of a social situation is very skewed.

For example I have a group friend who has autism.

After a group night out I let him crash on my couch after a missed train (which I was happy to do. He's a cool guy and I have some ND myself).

Next day, he couldn't comprehend that it wasn't a social occasion and I'd told him I needed to work.

I went into my home office and he came in and started asking random questions in a fairly intense, critical way.

Obviously I'd offered breakfast and shown him the shower/how to make coffee but he'd refused all these. He had his mind set on questioning me!

I wasn't going to take the day off to explain to someone anxious to know how much my bills were (!).

Later on that he kept insisting I hated him as if we'd had this massive row and I'd criticised him.

I had said nothing negative and honestly it wasn't important enough to even think about. I like him fine in the group, have always been supportive and polite.

Sometimes ND is perceiving extreme rejection, just as someone hasn't done exactly what the ND person wants or imagines.

I wonder if this is what is happening in this situation?

Exactly! My word, he is a father and a man ffs. He's a role model to DD, show some strength, help to install boundaries
This is the problem with 'weak' dads, it's the same as no dad, useless!

Your reaction is disproportionate

My reaction? I haven’t had a reaction, I’ve given an opinion - disproportionate doesn’t really come into it. You seem very upset by it all though.

She can sometimes react disrespectfully shout and give snappy/rude answers to me and DH usually if she is tired/hungry/frustrated.

I got this from the OP, which I read. This is the view of the OP, a woman. The ‘adult male’s view’ doesn’t come in to it for me, it seems to for you but that’s your own angle.

So it’s the OP who defines for me that her daughter can be rude.

Everyone's daughter can be rude. In fact everyone can be rude. On this occasion though she hasn't been rude. She has been quiet and later talked to her mum.

Every single human in the world has been considered rude at some point especially when they are a little child who have only been on the planet for 6 years.
If you are telling the truth and were a teacher and had 3 kids of your own I'm shocked by your lack of awareness around how kids act.
You either were not paying attention or you are elderly now and forget what the reality of that time was like as it was 50 years ago.

No one has said people aren’t rude sometimes. But it’s a choice, and that needs correcting every time - it’s not an unavoidable part of being a child, 6 is plenty old enough to have better expectations.

I’m still a teacher, very far from elderly and my children are still young. The standards I have for my own children and the many many I have taught, guided and known in my 17 years of professional experience aren’t difficult to understand. You can, and apparently do, have different ones.

Where was it said that OP didn't correct her DDs behaviour when she previously behaved in a rude way?
Nothing in the OP or in any of the following messages suggests that it hasn't been corrected.

In fact the child behaved very well this time when she was told that she wasn't getting what she wanted this would suggest that the previous corrections following bad behaviour had worked well. So I really don't get what your harping on about.

Okey doke. I’ll leave you to your incredulity.

I think he's being childish and selfish tbh

Quite difficult for a child to understand that mum is in the house upstairs but has to do other things so can't greet her daughter. If it only happens occasionally then why can't dad just take her somewhere fun for an hour?

Why do people keep writing "neurodiverse" for ND? Surely it's "neurodivergent"?

Men are sulky bastards!

Thank you for pointing that out I hadn't thought and am probably confusing the two

Sounds like your husband's right 😂

I have a child the same age and I would definitely give them notice if something they expected wasn’t going to happen anymore. That’s totally normal! I think your husband is asking you to be responsible for his relationship with his child, I would really avoid that dynamic. Also don’t kids get empathy really late one,
so it’s essentially pointless to ask her to change her behavior based on what someone else needs emotionally. She sounds like a very nice and normal 6 year old!

OP, you need to tell your husband firmly that adults are responsible for helping children manage their emotions and not vice versa. Your DD is not responsible for managing her father's emotions, and that is effectively what he is expecting her to do.

I have a toddler who loves her father but doesn't like him very much at the moment (I'm the parent who is around the most, and she's in a stage of supergluing herself to my side). It's a shame for him, but it's on him to manage their relationship not on her... she's not developmentally capable and shouldn't have to creep around adult emotions. Turns out that if he's fun and affectionate with her and works at their relationship...takes her out places by herself, goes with her to choose ice cream, plays with her, reads to her... she likes him perfectly fine.

This is a great post. OP you are indulging her by not helping her to cope. I get that you feel you are managing expectations but ideally she should be learning to deal with unexpected changes.

If she is 6 she should not be having loud meltdowns, ND or not. I would not have tolerated this from my ND son when he was 6. Other types of mood yes, but actually loud toddler type meltdowns? No way. No wonder your DH is upset. Being spoken to by crap by your 6 year old daughter when you have worked your butt off all day is no fun. HOWEVER, this is not your fault. It is the fault of you both.

Don't you just love it when a grown adult sulks because of the way he /she was treated by a child 😂 🙄🤦

You've said she didn't misbehave for him, but in your OP you say he said she hadn't told him anything about school and had been snapping at him/being disrespectful

Can't you see that he found it hurtful that she gave him grief and then was all over you?
And yes, while not wanting to talk about school until she'd decompressed, is entirely normal (and you need to explain that to him) her snapping at him and being disrespectful, does need to be addressed.

Clearly he wants your backup, which is fair enough. If a mumsnetter's child behaved for their dad but was being disrespectful to her, she'd be told on here that her DH needs to step up and make it clear to the child that their behaviour to the mum isn't on.

Yet another child so spoilt they start to run the house, you are then the staff,and they grow up to be entitled. Sorry but if you don't teach a child in a year what you'd teach a puppy in 6 months its too late.
Why is you being on a work call "bad news"? She'll just have to wait, you are not at her beck and call nor are you answerable to her. This all stems from this new "parenting" style of apparently never telling a kid off and letting them do what they like which is rife at the mo. You reap what you sow.