DH blames me for DDs behaviour

It’s a whole different ballgame if your child is ND 🤦🏻‍♀️ I have a child with a PDA profile who had big meltdowns after school and the slightest thing would tip her over.

I get it totally. I think it’s always helpful to head off sudden disappointments and changes of plans with a gentle heads up, or preparation for an alternative. I think this helps build resilience rather than undermining it. Even with adult service users/clients at work, you can head off disappointments and complaints by managing expectations in the first place. Most humans generally like to know what the plan is or what’s expected to happen next.

There are loads of threads on here about kids struggling to cope with parents WFH knowing they’re in the house but not available.

I think the reason you're getting a bit of criticism on here is because you change your story.
Here you say you wanted to prepare your DD because if disappointed she goes into meltdown. TBF what you describe above is to be expected in a 3 year old, but by 5 or 6 they should be dealing better with disappointment.
Then later you say, if I can't make a prearranged meeting with anybody (client, coworker, friend, child) then it's only polite to let them know - and most of us think that's a bit overkill for a 6 year old.

BUT

That isn't the question you're asking is it. It's about your DH and his relationship with his daughter. By all means talk to your daughter as you promised, but don't tell her off, try to understand what happened between her and her dad (yes, I know you asked yesterday, did you speak to her and did it help?).

I think you could point out to your DH that he is the adult and it's up to him to set the tone of his interactions with his daughter. Telling her off for being "rude" and "disrespectful" might massage his ego, but it won't make her want to engage with him, will it?

I can see why she prefers you OP, DH sounds very immature.

My daughter was an absolute nightmare for changes of plans. She would melt down after school for a lot less than that.

Its hardly that unusual to have autistic kids that need pre-warning about changes. It's such an easy thing to do to make transition times easier.

And maybe mention to the DH that if he doesn't want to be the bad guy, he could put some effort into being the good guy?

For instance, if he knew you had a work call that would last till, say, 4pm, he could have taken DD for ice cream after school as a special Dad treat? Not necessarily that - it may not be possible - but something fun, as a PP said, to turn the situation around.

I should be shocked at some of the comments on thread but I’m not, as the mother of a SEND child, the judgement goes with the territory 🙄

Maybe educate yourself on ND children’s behaviour after school.
Judging a 6 year old for having a “tantrum” 🤣 or mum for preparing her child for a change to the usual routine God forbid she actually puts the child first 🤣
I have a child with Asd,Adhd and a PDA profile. Her meltdowns after school were horrendous and heartbreaking 💔 after masking all day and complying with all the demands her cup was overflowing.

Im always a bit surprised by the amount of people on this forum that don't seem to understand that children don't always follow the developmental timelines that are in the books.
Is it really that odd that a six year old isn't always perfectly behaved or easy?

Basic thing to let children know what is going on that day. She deserves to know her usual routine isnt happening.

It sounds like you have two children to deal with, OP.
Its your husbands issue how his daughter interracts with him, not yours.

UK and England are not the same thing.

In the OP, you said that your DD had been snapping at/being disrespectful to her dad. But now you're saying that she wasn't actually rude? I mean, if she was just giving short answers due to tiredness, that's one thing, as long as she was polite. But she should certainly be pulled up on snapping and rudeness. Of course, he should be the one to address that behaviour, it's nothing to do with you if you're not even there to witness it.

I have three kids. Two absolutely no chance of a chat right after school about their day. They need to decompress. Both are ND but I'd also be fine with this if they weren't. My 6 yo also uses me as sort of a safety talisman, he needs to give me a cuddle for his chaotic mind to feel calm after school, he has been masking all day.
This is not "rude" to his dad.
The other will chat, but only about silly inconsequential things. Like the rude word his mate yelled in class, nothing important.

That’s indulging..she has to learn the world does not revolve around her. I started off thinking, have the word with DH but now you need to tell DD, you are working when she gets home and if you aren’t there straight away, she has to wait. And expect to wait. She should not need to be pre warned every time. Your being there is a bonus, not an entitlement. You created the expectancy of the big welcome home as soon as she’s in the door. She has to learn otherwise or you’re creating a monster by the time she’s 10. She fits into the family. The family does not fit around her. And being rude to DH isn’t on . But he has to also sort that himself.

Why on earth would you have such a bloody song and dance coming in from school?

When 7 year old DGS comes in from school ( could be either parent get him and the other may or may not be at home) he's told to change out of his uniform and get a drink and a snack. Tgen he can play or chill out for a bit. Been same since he was 4

Exactly this. In addition the demands of school are a lot- You've no idea what little thing might have troubled a child on any particular day even a neurotypical child.
The idea they should be little miniature adults - it's so puzzling.

I think you need a word with your husband not your daughter. Relationships between parents and children aren't based on duty, they have to be genuine connections. If he wants his daughter to talk to him, he needs to build a relationship where she wants to.
My dh wfh and if he's in a call after school our kids wouldn't be upaet/need him, because I'm there and vice versa. I would warn them as we arrive in the sense of "don't go into the office/stay out that area because daddy is on a call" but they'd not be disappointed or upset *and both are nd.
I suspect the dramatic reaction/need for you that dd has is a symptom of the same thing your dh is upset about. She doesn't have a good relationship with him, she doesn't feel safe with him and doesn't relax around him. Hence her attachment to you and her distance with him.
I'd discuss with him how he builds this back - it doesn't take a lot. Do they have anything in common just the 2 of them? Board games? Film or tv? A love of reading? My dh always takes them swimming and goes running with my dd. I'm not a fan of either activity and its their special time, they get snacks after and generally bond. My ds and I love films so we take a monthly cinema trip just the 2 of us or have movie nights. My dd and I read together before she goes to bed and that's our special time. He needs to begin to build connection points with her without you. He also needs to understand child development, of course she isn't chatty in the car, she's tired (tbh, this isn't even child development is it, adults aren't super chatty on their commute). Help him think about how he can relate to her better and I suspect when she's happier with him, she will also be less reliant on you

I'm just wondering how he was brought up - was he met with grumpy daddy & happy mummy - it matters - kids copy their parents unconsciously and they don't miss a trick. It sounds like DH needs to get his head in the game for all your sakes, my ex couldn't be arsed either and thought he was the head of the household - everyone else should obey him, he mattered most! We left him. I had to learn all about diversion & countless other tricks of the trade to achieve goals in a fun and structured way, it's whether a parent can be bothered - kids are hard work but seeing the smile on their face rather than tears streaming down there face makes everything worthwhile. You reap what you sew - him blaming you is a cop,out, a way to get out of doing what he doesn't want to do.

Your husband - and you - need to take charge of your child’s behaviour. At 6 she shouldn’t be having meltdowns or speaking rudely to anyone. Why do you allow it? She’s allowed to be upset/disappointed/tired etc but there are ways to express that without being rude.

your DH needs to realise he is an equal parent and can be firm with her when she speaks to him disrespectfully - but he needs to put some time in to build a better relationship with her.

And your expertise is?

What ‘expertise’ would you like me to have, here on this anonymous forum? What an absurd thing to say.

She sounds likd a right little madam. She should't speak to either of you disresprctfully. Teach her some manners. If it's any condolation, my daughter was awful until she reached about 12. She's now 19 and absolutely lovely.

What sort of things does DD say to him when she's snappy/tired/hungry and does she say the same things to you? I think you said DH blames you for her behaviour but does he say why - is he suggesting that she copies you? Similarly you might think she behaves like him so maybe it's a case of her picking up on friction between you both, I'm not saying that's the case but it's possible. Another possibility is what's happening at school - DD used to come home from school either chatty or tired but she didn't have meltdowns - the only person who upset her was her dad when she had contact with him.

Something else just resonated from my own experience - DH is blaming you and DD but it's nothing to do with him - that's a red flag x

Because it's common for 6 year olds to come in from school and announce
' I'm a little tired so I'm not feeling like talking much might I have some space please Dad? "
And
" Dad I'm.just feeling a bit upset because my friend played with another friend please don't expect too much in the way of conversation. I wanted to talk to mum about it but please don't feel rejected it's not a reflection your parenting I just see you in a slightly different role"
Why on earth wouldn't they just do that?
Appaling.

Why do you think saying all that exaggerated nonsense and being allowed to be rude are the only two options here? Raise your standards.