DH blames me for DDs behaviour

Engerlund IS the UK, didn't you ken 😂

Get off the sherry and put the phone down Sara. 🤦‍♀️

That's your response to a fairly gentle piece of advice from someone who has been through similar? I know some people here have been fairly judgy, but @CountFucula did not deserve that response from you.

While not as sulky/mean as your DH appears to be from your OP, my DH struggled with dealing with normal small kid behaviour and took everything very personally. He seemed to expect the same level of connection our DSs had with me without the same level of interaction, interest, and care that I provided. He would be sad and frustrated but he did learn by watching and listening to how I interacted with our boys and copied this. It took time but it worked and then they branched out and found their own things to connect over. Maybe your DH needs help in figuring out how to interact with his DD - not everyone finds it easy - but first, he needs to stop the blame game.

Your problem really is your DH. Either because he is ND and struggles with communicating and translating himself, he is picking up the wrong signals from her. Or because he isn’t ND and behaves like a stroppy teenager. I suspect the former.

if he wants to improve his relationship with her, he needs to remember that he is the adult and has to guide it. She cannot just ‘be told’ to be kinder or more communicative to Dad, he has to build that relationship with her.

there was nothing wrong with prepping her either, I do all the time especially when something big is going on in her life - new school year, new teacher these are big things for 6 yrs olds - and routine (security) is so much more important until they are settled.

everyone here debating the need for clear communication and expectation setting with children is bonkers, it’s a well known requirement of parenting. Especially if she were to be ND, abrupt change can be difficult for her to process and regulate.

but she isn’t the issue, as you say she handled it fine - you need to chat to DH about what is or isn’t rude and what he plans to do gain better trust and balance with his DD. You are not the default parent.

Her DD didn’t have a meltdown. Why are you saying she did?

OPs DH actually had an issue that the daughter handled it calmly and wasn’t ready to talk school stuff.

OP has a DH problem.

A potential tantrum because you’re not there waiting with her snack.

You don’t have a husband problem.

Because she shouldn’t be shouting and looking for her mum when she’s not immediately available.

Mum being free from work and ready for a hug is obviously a nice thing but it shouldn’t be something that causes a tantrum when it doesn’t happen.

She’s six, not two.

Wow people on this thread really need to touch grass. What exactly is the crime of this 6 year old? She found out mum wasn't going to be available when she got in from school as she'd hoped so she quietly played and ate her snack? What's the crime of the OP? raising a child with enough coping skills that she was able to handle disappointment? Berating someone for giving THEIR child notice that they won't be there after school is lunatic behaviour even for mumsnet.

But it didn't cause a tantrum, the child didn't react badly at all. She quietly played away until mum finished work what more do you want from?

I can't see how telling a small child that their routine will be changing today is lax parenting. It's just giving them information.

Based on this thread, you'd almost think some people would rather not tell the DD so she could go ahead and have a meltdown, which would give them a chance to punish her and "nip it in the bud", thus demonstrating their superior parenting skills.

Anyway, I think it's likely that the DH here is uncomfortable with the way the OP is the preferred parent. He doesn't like being second best. The DD no doubt subconsciously picks up on this, perhaps feeling she's disappointed him, and is more subdued with him. It's a self-perpetuating cycle that's really hard to break. You have my sympathy, OP, but it's on your DH to change his attitude, not you.

My point was that she shouldn’t have to be prepped in advance in order for her not to get upset. Mum being stuck in a meeting should be just one of those things, not something dad needs to prepare her for before she gets home.

Tolerate the tantrums. Any of mine behaving like that at 6 would've been sent to their room until they had calmed down as they obviously needed the space to compose themselves. Although tbh they'd had mostly outgrown tantrums by the time they were 5

It's lovely that you can usually take a quick break from work when your DD gets home but it might be easier for everyone if you vary things a bit and let your DH be responsible more often. Then if she does have a loud reaction she won't be interrupting an important work call and you can challenge the behaviour when it happens. Also, if your DH normally collects DD from school he knows how talkative she is on the way home so maybe she was being rude/sulky?

You have some very fixed ideas which are not that realistic about how children should act. Kids are very different from each other. But most children respond to routine and predictability. OP is showing she's providing that. That's all.

I really want to tell responders to get off this kid's back. There's no child behaviour problem here.

I just don’t think the fact that OP is in a meeting is something that her DD needs to be informed about in advance, especially if it then makes her DH the “bearer of bad news”.

As @Delphiniumandlupinssays, maybe it would be better if OP being available wasn’t the default so that if she is around, it’s a nice surprise, but it not, it’s also not a big deal for the daughter.

My thinking is that it would just be easier all
round if the DD didn’t have certain expectations about who is available straight after school, that’s all - it’s not about having fixed ideas about her behaviour as such.

It was a bank holiday in England, not all of the UK!

My thinking is that it would just be easier all
round if the DD didn’t have certain expectations about who is available straight after school, that’s all

I think they're managing those expectations quite well, actually - by giving her information and letting her do what she will with it. This time, she processed the information, got used to the idea that Mum wouldn't be downstairs when she got home, and stayed calm about it. Next time, she'll remember that she coped just fine when this happened before, and she'll spend less time being disappointed when she hears the news. Soon she won't be bothered any more.

There's nothing wrong with easing someone in, when you want to modify behaviour or expectations. Think of adults with fear of flying. Do you just keep shoving them on a plane and bollocking them when they panic? Of course not - you give them information ("that noise is just the landing gear retracting") and get them used to it gradually.

You know you’re her favourite. You got him to be the bearer of bad news. You then backtracked on that when they got home, so he looks like the baddie and for no reason.

You're surprised he's a bit miffed. FFS.

Personal view is that parents need to back each other up so if child is being unkind to one then the other needs to reinforce those expectations. You don’t get to be mean to one parent and then get the other one fawning over you. That just fuels the favourite parent thing.

I totally agree. Most kids enjoy the familiarity and safety of routine, i used to be a teacher and even kids that are 11/12 loved that I used a visual timetable which showed what subject was coming next. If the usual routine was changing I would let the kids know out of respect and to allow them to manage their expectations. It's absolutely normal for a 6 year old to like a routine and it should be encouraged. She handled it brilliantly when mum wasn't available so we'll done OP and well done DD

How did she back track?

It sounds like a lot of it is the way he communicates, it's not very child friendly, more like he's parenting like it's a job.

A dad who communicates well would have managed expectations better, in a more fun way - maybe tip toeing into the house to not disturb mummy, having a special dad snack, planning a surprise like hiding when mummy did come down, using it as a chance to detour to the park. Not as a bearer of bad news, which is just reinforcing the idea that mummy not being right there is wrong in some way.

The same with loud music, or mess - it's not what he's saying, it's how he says it.

Op, it's on him!!!

This