DH blames me for DDs behaviour

Maybe not but still you say YOU felt it was unacceptable to be unavailable after school. Why?
If you need to indulge her so much maybe give up work?

But all children benefit from communication and knowing what is going to happen? I mean generally you tell your kids what to expect and that is how you enlist their co operation.

Some children are more difficult than others, whether you can imagine it or not.

Working with them to help things run smoothly is actually a very sensible idea.

Obviously. They only went back here on Friday.

I can’t imagine even thinking that I would have to pre-warn a six year old that things at home may not quite run like clockwork. She should not ‘have a meltdown’ because her mother isn’t available.

She didn't scream at all what are you talking about?

You’re not HIS mother FFS. Why would you mediate between them?

He told me thar I need to have a chat with her about how she treats him.

Tell him to talk to DD himself. As her parent it is also his job to parent her.

Obviously I'm not in the UK

Me and DH are married 10 years we have one DD6. She is smart and funny she does well at school/sports has loads of friends etc but like most 6 year olds she can be hard work at home sometimes. She can sometimes react disrespectfully shout and give snappy/rude answers to me and DH usually if she is tired/hungry/frustrated.

Somehow DH blames this on me.

Today DH collected DD from school as he was off I wfh so would usually have her snack ready when they get home and would come down from work for a few mins when she gets in to see how her day was but I couldn't do that today as an urgent work call was scheduled during that time
I asked DH to explain that to DD on the way home (as previously she has had a loud meltdown when I was unexpectedly not available when she got home).
Anyway when my call finished at 4 I went down and DD ran to give me a big hug and squeeze I asked her a few questions about her day and she told me a couple of stories about school.
I noticed DH in a bit of a sulk and when we were alone he said she hadn't told him anything about school and had been snapping at him/being disrespectful. He told me that it was my fault because I made him the bearer of bad news (because he had to tell I was on a work call and would be unavailable)
He told me thar I need to have a chat with her about how she treats him.

Dd has always had a strong preference for me but if I'm honest I think DH without realising it can come across as constantly criticising and negative e.g coming in from work and the first thing he will say is "turn down the music" "pick up those toys" etc rather than having a nice interaction with her first after not seeing her all day. He does it to me also.

I don't think he's being reasonable blaming this on me. I will talk to DD later but honestly I think he should be having the conversation as I wasn't even there to see what she said

Teaching her to be resilient about change will reap rewards - whether she is neurodiverse or not. Timetables and managing expectations really help but this is a lot of micro management when actually she could do with some coping strategies when things don’t go to plan/what she thought would happen. For example, establish that if you are not available she can chose her own snack and do a jigsaw / watch tv/ trampoline etc until you are available. Build in contingencies that she manages herself - because at the moment, you are centring her and the deep lesson she is receiving is that her needs/wants trump yours and her dads.
Anyway, I don’t really want to meddle I’ve just… been here myself and I wish I had done just what I am describing. Take it as you will! :)

Quite difficult for a child to understand that mum is in the house upstairs but has to do other things so can't greet her daughter. If it only happens occasionally then why can't dad just take her somewhere fun for an hour?

Why do people keep writing "neurodiverse" for ND? Surely it's "neurodivergent"?

Me and DH are married 10 years we have one DD6. She is smart and funny she does well at school/sports has loads of friends etc but like most 6 year olds she can be hard work at home sometimes. She can sometimes react disrespectfully shout and give snappy/rude answers to me and DH usually if she is tired/hungry/frustrated.

Somehow DH blames this on me.

Today DH collected DD from school as he was off I wfh so would usually have her snack ready when they get home and would come down from work for a few mins when she gets in to see how her day was but I couldn't do that today as an urgent work call was scheduled during that time
I asked DH to explain that to DD on the way home (as previously she has had a loud meltdown when I was unexpectedly not available when she got home).
Anyway when my call finished at 4 I went down and DD ran to give me a big hug and squeeze I asked her a few questions about her day and she told me a couple of stories about school.
I noticed DH in a bit of a sulk and when we were alone he said she hadn't told him anything about school and had been snapping at him/being disrespectful. He told me that it was my fault because I made him the bearer of bad news (because he had to tell I was on a work call and would be unavailable)
He told me thar I need to have a chat with her about how she treats him.

Dd has always had a strong preference for me but if I'm honest I think DH without realising it can come across as constantly criticising and negative e.g coming in from work and the first thing he will say is "turn down the music" "pick up those toys" etc rather than having a nice interaction with her first after not seeing her all day. He does it to me also.

I don't think he's being reasonable blaming this on me. I will talk to DD later but honestly I think he should be having the conversation as I wasn't even there to see what she said

No one has said people aren’t rude sometimes. But it’s a choice, and that needs correcting every time - it’s not an unavoidable part of being a child, 6 is plenty old enough to have better expectations.

I’m still a teacher, very far from elderly and my children are still young. The standards I have for my own children and the many many I have taught, guided and known in my 17 years of professional experience aren’t difficult to understand. You can, and apparently do, have different ones.

Every single human in the world has been considered rude at some point especially when they are a little child who have only been on the planet for 6 years.
If you are telling the truth and were a teacher and had 3 kids of your own I'm shocked by your lack of awareness around how kids act.
You either were not paying attention or you are elderly now and forget what the reality of that time was like as it was 50 years ago.

Your reaction is disproportionate

My reaction? I haven’t had a reaction, I’ve given an opinion - disproportionate doesn’t really come into it. You seem very upset by it all though.

She can sometimes react disrespectfully shout and give snappy/rude answers to me and DH usually if she is tired/hungry/frustrated.

I got this from the OP, which I read. This is the view of the OP, a woman. The ‘adult male’s view’ doesn’t come in to it for me, it seems to for you but that’s your own angle.

So it’s the OP who defines for me that her daughter can be rude.