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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU not to pay for my sister’s younger children’s hobbies?

547 replies

SheGood · 30/08/2026 22:54

Me and my sister had both of our children within months of each other. My sister was younger than me, ended up being a single mum and wasn’t very well off, so we used to pay for her children to do the same hobbies as our children as the they liked being together and my sister wouldn’t have been able to afford it otherwise. Her children stopped doing the hobbies at about 13 as they lost interest. All of the children are now young adults either at uni or working.

My sister has gone on to have 2 children with a new partner who are 3 and 4. She wants them to do the same hobbies as the older children did but can’t afford it. She sent a text today and asked us to pay like we did for her other children. I feel like there is an expectation we do it and my mum has said that we can’t really not do it for the younger children when we did it for the older ones. We can afford it but I feel angry at the expectation. My mum can’t afford to pay as I would tell her to.

We did it for the older ones because it meant our children could do the hobbies with their cousins. If our children weren’t doing it, we wouldn’t have paid. I can understand the argument of doing the same for all of them in a way but there are years between them and the situation isn’t the same.

Are we being unreasonable if we say we are not paying? My sister and partner both work but in low paid jobs. My sister has always struggled financially but I can’t help think having another 2 children was irresponsible if they can’t pay for what they want for them. It’s very obvious that we are better off due to what we have but I feel they look at us and think we should pay just because we are better off. My husband think she’s cheeky but doesn’t care if we pay or not.

OP posts:
SheGood · 31/08/2026 17:26

It’s horse riding and dance. I could give money for Xmas and birthdays instead of what I usually buy but that wouldn’t be anywhere near enough to cover the costs involved. I’m going to tell her I won’t be paying.

OP posts:
Holeymoley28 · 31/08/2026 17:28

Horse riding and dance? Cheeky sod.

Keepitrealnomists · 31/08/2026 17:30

It was very generous of you to offer the first time. She choose to have 2 more DC, its her problem to solve, not yours!

anotherdaytogo · 31/08/2026 17:31

they are both very expensive hobbies. You can’t commit to this. What if you and DH couldn’t afford it in a year or two. You would be letting the kids down. Their parent a can find them nice hobbies that they can afford.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/08/2026 17:35

SheGood · 31/08/2026 17:26

It’s horse riding and dance. I could give money for Xmas and birthdays instead of what I usually buy but that wouldn’t be anywhere near enough to cover the costs involved. I’m going to tell her I won’t be paying.

I knew that they would be expensive hobbies. She sees you as nothing but a cash cow.

I'm so glad you are saying no.

Awkwardisfunny · 31/08/2026 17:37

KiwiFall · 31/08/2026 14:26

But she did help her sister didn’t she? When her sister was a single parent.

Helping out all the time is actually detrimental to the sister. She will never step up as a parent herself. I mean no one forced her to have 2 more children with her current partner.

I don't disagree. I just don't understand the vehement disgust at the idea of supporting children in the wider family to have potentially childhood (and life) changing experiences. Networking opportunities etc. Changes the course of conversations when older too, and who you relate to.

If OP's only objection is her very reasonable annoyance at being 'expected' to do it, maybe she should have that discussion with her sibling / parents and be clear that she won't spend as much on birthdays / at christmas etc - or some other 'swap'. But is the OP actually bothered about helping to provide for her niece/nephew(s).. that isn't clear and it would be a shame if so.

I'd love to be in a position where I could afford to help my family like this. I.e. easily, not at a stretch to my own budget. What a privilege that would be.

nomas · 31/08/2026 17:45

Awkwardisfunny · 31/08/2026 17:37

I don't disagree. I just don't understand the vehement disgust at the idea of supporting children in the wider family to have potentially childhood (and life) changing experiences. Networking opportunities etc. Changes the course of conversations when older too, and who you relate to.

If OP's only objection is her very reasonable annoyance at being 'expected' to do it, maybe she should have that discussion with her sibling / parents and be clear that she won't spend as much on birthdays / at christmas etc - or some other 'swap'. But is the OP actually bothered about helping to provide for her niece/nephew(s).. that isn't clear and it would be a shame if so.

I'd love to be in a position where I could afford to help my family like this. I.e. easily, not at a stretch to my own budget. What a privilege that would be.

It’s not vehement disgust at the idea of supporting children, it’s justified annoyance at the sense of entitlement at an adult who is expecting financial help without taking into account that OP originally helped her when she was a single mum and now she is not a single mum, she has chosen to have two more children with her new partner.

And if this activity costs a lot (like hundreds of pounds a year) then telling OP that that could be her birthday or Christmas present to her sister’s kids is also patronising because most people do not spend that much on their nieces and nephew’s birthday and Christmas presents.

kombuchabucha · 31/08/2026 17:45

my mum has said that we can’t really not do it for the younger children when we did it for the older ones

Well you can see where you sister gets her cheeky fuckery from! What an absolutely ridiculous assertion from your mum.

She expects you to pay for the hobbies of two children you did not bring into the world?! Your sister is unbelievable.

I assume the cost of the hobbies is more than you'd usually spend on a Christmas/birthday present if it's a weekly thing, but if you do gifts for each other's children could you offer to pay for a term of the hobby or something as their gift? Then your sister will have to fund the other terms. This would at least save you the hassle of choosing/wrapping gifts!

Yetone · 31/08/2026 17:51

Is it possible that your mother has suggested to your sister that she asks you for the money or is your sister usually cheeky?

LexLutherPops · 31/08/2026 17:56

I understand the emotions of this, and I'm quite sure you love your extended family dearly, but this involves you taking on a long-term financial commitment for someone else's children. It isn't something that you can just take up in the local park with a team if the finances become challenging at a later date (like football or running).
So I would just politely say you can't commit because it's too much, but that your sister can always put any money gifts you give these children towards these pastimes if she would prefer.
Honestly though, there are 2 parents here. If they want to commit to ponies and dancing for their children then they themselves need second jobs.

Lavenderflower · 31/08/2026 17:58

No you shouldn’t pay - it was kind of you to pay but she honestly to have more children she cannot afford.

Booboobagins · 31/08/2026 18:01

Just say no. End of.

Your DS is a CF. She has a partner between them they need to look after tgeur kids!

Wtf.

OneTipsyDreamer · 31/08/2026 18:01

Of course you dont have to pay. But it seems you have enough money that it wouldn’t make a difference to you/you wouldn’t miss the money. If it was me and I had that kind of disposable income and my sister was struggling I would want to help any way I can, but that’s my relationship with my sister. If you don’t share that close bond then I get it. But I would do it if it was me.

PangolinFriend · 31/08/2026 18:07

Where we live, she'd be forking out hundreds each term - and no guarantee they won't LOVE the classes so much they'll want extras in the holidays. How did they get started on such expensive hobbies when the parents are in low paid jobs?
BTW It was great you helped when she was single, but she's in a relationship now.

TFImBackIn · 31/08/2026 18:10

Horse riding is a very expensive hobby. Even if you paid for the lessons there would be other costs involved. I think she was silly to have two more children when she'd already had two who were growing up, meaning she could start to earn more money herself. She wants your lifestyle but has made decisions that have meant she can't have it - that's her responsibility.

Hibernatingsloth · 31/08/2026 18:10

OP, please don't fall for any emotional blackmail from your sister.
You were so kind to do it the first time around, but the situation was totally different...you had children the same age.
It was her choice to have two more children.
Horseriding AND dance, for two children that aren't yours???
I imagine that dance in particular comes with trips,costumes, hair, accommodation for competitions...the costs will spiral and become a longterm financial obligation.
She's a cheeky cow to even suggest it, and I have no doubt both your sister and mum will use emotional blackmail on you...stay strong, OP!

JJWT · 31/08/2026 18:12

Can't believe what I've just read! These new children have a set of parents. The older ones were being raised by a single parent. And were treated to a shared activity with your own same aged kids. There's no comparison. I'd say don't be ridiculous, we helped you out when you were a single parent, that has nothing to do with you two having your own family in the here and now. Good grief!

IronEverything · 31/08/2026 18:13

SheGood · 31/08/2026 17:26

It’s horse riding and dance. I could give money for Xmas and birthdays instead of what I usually buy but that wouldn’t be anywhere near enough to cover the costs involved. I’m going to tell her I won’t be paying.

Jesus it's 2 of the most expensive hobbies too!

Julietta05 · 31/08/2026 18:17

Well what if she carries on having children? 10 more lots of hobbies or so?! No chance. She needs to take responsibility for them.

SheGood · 31/08/2026 18:17

OneTipsyDreamer · 31/08/2026 18:01

Of course you dont have to pay. But it seems you have enough money that it wouldn’t make a difference to you/you wouldn’t miss the money. If it was me and I had that kind of disposable income and my sister was struggling I would want to help any way I can, but that’s my relationship with my sister. If you don’t share that close bond then I get it. But I would do it if it was me.

It’s easy to say when you can’t though and are just imagining that you would. When there is an expectation that you pay just because you have more money, you can feel used. I feel that way anyway.

We wouldn’t miss the money as such but it is money we could use for our own children. We would have liked more children but chose not to so that we could give the two we had more. My sister could have made different choices, not had more children and concentrated on her career like we have.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 31/08/2026 18:21

Horse riding? Seriously? I was thinking football club or chess. Riding is notoriously expensive.

Holeymoley28 · 31/08/2026 18:21

I’d stand by the fact you paid so all the cousins could spend time together. It was a family experience, shared time.

You didn’t just pay for them to do a hobby you gave your children experiences with their cousins.

which is completely different to just coughing up cash for a family members kids.

thenightsky · 31/08/2026 18:24

I bloody knew it would be horse riding or dance! But both is seriously cheeky fucker territory! Wow. Shock

Happyhettie · 31/08/2026 18:24

Good grief. She is a CF to ask.

Horse riding is a really expensive hobby but that’s besides the point.
What else will you need to pay for? A car for her children if you buy a car for yours?

It’s not her money. It’s not your mum’s money.
People are so quick to spend other people’s money!!

My friend has a sister like this. She asked her to buy her niece a car for her 17th, pay her tuition fees for uni and a deposit for her own house. She only contacts my friend when she wants something. Surprisingly the answer is no!

LizandDerekGoals · 31/08/2026 18:26

SheGood · 31/08/2026 18:17

It’s easy to say when you can’t though and are just imagining that you would. When there is an expectation that you pay just because you have more money, you can feel used. I feel that way anyway.

We wouldn’t miss the money as such but it is money we could use for our own children. We would have liked more children but chose not to so that we could give the two we had more. My sister could have made different choices, not had more children and concentrated on her career like we have.

you absolutely do not agree to this. Reply saying it isnt an option.