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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU not to pay for my sister’s younger children’s hobbies?

547 replies

SheGood · 30/08/2026 22:54

Me and my sister had both of our children within months of each other. My sister was younger than me, ended up being a single mum and wasn’t very well off, so we used to pay for her children to do the same hobbies as our children as the they liked being together and my sister wouldn’t have been able to afford it otherwise. Her children stopped doing the hobbies at about 13 as they lost interest. All of the children are now young adults either at uni or working.

My sister has gone on to have 2 children with a new partner who are 3 and 4. She wants them to do the same hobbies as the older children did but can’t afford it. She sent a text today and asked us to pay like we did for her other children. I feel like there is an expectation we do it and my mum has said that we can’t really not do it for the younger children when we did it for the older ones. We can afford it but I feel angry at the expectation. My mum can’t afford to pay as I would tell her to.

We did it for the older ones because it meant our children could do the hobbies with their cousins. If our children weren’t doing it, we wouldn’t have paid. I can understand the argument of doing the same for all of them in a way but there are years between them and the situation isn’t the same.

Are we being unreasonable if we say we are not paying? My sister and partner both work but in low paid jobs. My sister has always struggled financially but I can’t help think having another 2 children was irresponsible if they can’t pay for what they want for them. It’s very obvious that we are better off due to what we have but I feel they look at us and think we should pay just because we are better off. My husband think she’s cheeky but doesn’t care if we pay or not.

OP posts:
Overwhelmedandtired · 31/08/2026 14:28

The situations aren't the same. She was a single parent previously, is now married. You can't compare like for like. It will regularly happen that different siblings have different experiences growing up, particularly with an age gap, as parents are earning different amounts, or have different jobs, cost of living implications. You can't make things completely fair between siblings.

No, you are NBU for not paying. If you think they would like it, you can afford it, and you know they can't do the activity otherwise, it might be nice to pay. But don't feel obligated too, it is a separate decision.

Slsk21 · 31/08/2026 14:29

I think its unreasonable to assume that you would pay for the younger childrens hobbies, and also assume that many years later you are still in a financial position to fund them. Whilst people may appear to be financially stable or well off, it doesnt always mean that this is the case. Appearances can be deceiving. And it absolutely isnt your responsibility. Your children are older now, and for all your sister or mum know could cost you significantly more in supporting with further education/ training costs, cost of living, driving costs if they do drive or live out. You may now invest money that is tied up in bonds or property rather than being accessible to spend. Nobody else is entitled to know where your money goes or how much you have.

Equally you do sound like you want the children to benefit from hobbies.

If it were me, i would probably send a polite but clear message along the lines of 'I would love to support your children with their interests, but a lot of time has passed and financially im not in the same position as I once was, and how i can support will look different to how i supported the older kids. Im more than happy to give money for holidays and birthdays in lieu of a gift that can go towards them pursuing their hobbies if that would be helpful?'

That way you get to help but with little extra cost involved.

Kisskiss · 31/08/2026 14:33

She’s a CF and no you absolutely don’t have to fund it. Don’t feel bad. Lots of kids don’t do 500 extra activities and they grow up fine, if your parents can’t afford it then they can’t afford it.. just because your paid for the older two doesn’t oblige you to pay for her offspring forever …

Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers · 31/08/2026 14:42

Absolutely not I can’t believe she’s asked. You paid at time so they could do it with your children and she was a single mum.
It was very kind. There’s absolutely no obligation to extend to other two little ones. I’d tell your mum you can’t believe her cheek.
I’d be as bold as her now and say why would you want me to pay you are in a relationship and obviously well off as you had another 2 children, not many can afford 4 children in this day and age.

MellowSubmarine · 31/08/2026 14:56

iwishitwouldstartraining · 31/08/2026 11:15

Even on a parent level, if you decide to have more children, you need to consider whether you have the resources to provide the same things for your younger children as you did for your older children, and the answer may be that you can't.

Exactly. Or maybe that you can provide more because, for example, you don’t have as many nursery fees once the older ones start school. So a younger child might get more spent on them as salaries rise and fees drop. Eg when my eldest was 4, we were paying for nursery fees for her and my youngest. Now my youngest is 4, we have more money. So they both do a sports club that we couldn’t have afforded when eldest was 4
You can’t do everything exactly the same for each child. Circumstances change.

gardenflowergirl · 31/08/2026 14:59

Don't pay, times have changed. She's not a single mother anymore. She has a new partner and is better off now. It's not down to you to pay even though you may be better off.

Minasama · 31/08/2026 15:02

“I’m really sorry, we’re no longer in a position to help you here.”

Ilovelifeverymuch · 31/08/2026 15:07

SheGood · 30/08/2026 23:11

I’m relieved to read that so far no one thinks we should pay. I thought we might be seen as in the wrong for not treating all of the children the same. My mum said we should treat them all the same which means paying and she is usually sensible.

Your mom is being ridiculous. People are now taking this trend of expecting every child is treated the same to the extreme and just being so entitled with no shame.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 31/08/2026 15:09

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 30/08/2026 23:07

I would consider paying just to make the kids happy. But I agree it's entitled and unreasonable and you don't have to.

Why would the kids be unhappy if they don't do it? The kids are so young they don't even know their older siblings did it and it's not the kids who are asking it's her sister who is asking so the younger kids can do the same hobby as their older sibling.

She needs to live within her means and find a hobby she can afford for the kids no expect her sister to pay.

DryadsRest · 31/08/2026 15:12

SheGood · 30/08/2026 23:16

My husband said he’s happy to do it for the children as otherwise they won’t get the chance but I feel like we are being used which feels shit.

both your feelings are valid
but in this case it would be kind to look out for your nieces / nephews if it makes no material difference to you

88776555xxz · 31/08/2026 15:24

Awkwardisfunny · 31/08/2026 11:49

I disagree where families are concerned. Where has the family mindset gone? Never mind communities at this point. Your actual flesh and blood - the people you spend holidays with. What is wrong with helping them? People on here acting like it's a crime to want help from family.

This country is broken.

Eh? - that is why she DID help the first 2 kids - she proved she had the "family mindset" so the cousins did a hobby together.

Why should the OP do all of the offering?

From the sound of the sister and the enabling mother, I bet my bottom dollar she has never helped the OP out.

reallybigandreallyclever · 31/08/2026 15:24

If you can afford to do it then I would. It's not the children's fault and I really value the relationship I have with my nephews and enjoy seeing them thrive and do well at things - closeness with family is worth nurturing in my opinion as you'll get back just as much as you put in. I don't think you're being unreasonable though in not wanting to be taken for granted and feeling annoyed that this is just being expected of you!

aloris · 31/08/2026 15:38

Wow, no good deed goes unpunished. If she has two more children in five years then do you have to pay for them too? Of course not. Having generously paid for prior activities, you are not obligated to pay for current and future activities. You did not choose to have these children and it is not your obligation to fund their activities, no matter what activities you funded for her other children.

If you funded these activities, you could well end up spending more total money on HER children's activities than you spent on your own children's activities.

She is way out of line and is a CF. And your mom is manipulative.

Livpool · 31/08/2026 15:44

No chance! How incredibly entitled.

TurquoiseBananas · 31/08/2026 15:48

I think it's unreasonable of them to assume.

But also if you can easily afford it and it would make no difference to you then why not do it? Do these kids want to do these activities? What are they? Could you offer to pay for a time limited period?

I don't think there's an obligation but I also don't agree with the no way responses.

The children are quite young so might it be worth waiting until they are older and have a clearer idea of what they would like to do themselves? I think children get more out of activities when they are older.

Holeymoley28 · 31/08/2026 15:53

Sorry sis although maybe you didn’t realise I paid so all the cousins together to enjoy the hobby and spend time together not just to pay for your children. I don’t think the older kids would enjoy that hobby anymore to make it a big family thing again 😅.

QueenietheGreat · 31/08/2026 16:00

@SheGood
Entitled madam or what?
Probably knew your mum would say something
But don't give a penny
There are many more cheaper hobbies out there waiting to be discovered
She can go find them
And honestly if things were reversed
Would she have ever paid for your children??

Slippylittlesuckers · 31/08/2026 16:17

By paying for the elder ones you haven’t automatically entered into an agreement for the next two!
Your sister needs to foot the bill, they’re her children and it was her choice to have them. She’s playing you for a fiddle!

LimeFish · 31/08/2026 16:37

Very entitled and YANBU. However, if the hobby is not hugely expensive you could pay for it as their birthday and Xmas presents every year? I'd not be averse to paying for experience gifts like this especially where the parents are on low income.

JenniferBooth · 31/08/2026 16:38

Redburnett · 31/08/2026 09:26

My question would be why is someone who cannot afford a decent life for their children having four? And why isn't the DC's Dad stepping up?
Maybe DSis' adult children could help financially with their younger siblings......

The older siblings likely had no choice about whether their mother had more kids. They had no more power or choice over it than the OP did

AzureFinch · 31/08/2026 16:47

I would be inclined to agree to pay for one activity (swimming maybe as that's a life skill) then say along the lines they'll get token birthday and christmas gifts

momtoboys · 31/08/2026 16:58

sesquipedalian · 30/08/2026 23:14

The first children did the hubby with your Dc when she was a single mum. The second Dc have two parents - surely they can afford to pay for them between them? It’s not at all reasonable to expect you to be paying this. If it’s going to cause family friction, though, you could perhaps agree to pay it in lieu of birthday and Christmas presents? They are still being massively cheeky even asking, though.

This is a very good point. Having two involved parents is a very different scenario. You do not need to worry about this.

Bogliasco · 31/08/2026 16:59

SheGood · 31/08/2026 01:23

I have not posted this before. It has only happened today. Check with mumsnet and they can confirm. @MNHQ

It is similar to a post last week so that's probably why others have questioned if it is a duplicate.

Honestly? The children now have 2 parents who could pay for the hobbies but if their parents can't afford it then they can't do the hobbies. With all due respect to your sister, when her eldest 2 grew up she could have retrained to get a better paying job. Instead she had 2 more children, under the same low income circumstances. Once is unfortunate. Twice is entitled. She expects the same lifestyle for her kids despite her doing nothing to improve her own circumstances.

It's a no from me.

Jaxhog · 31/08/2026 17:04

Families are weird. My Dad once offered that I would pay for my youngest brother's holiday! I was happy to do so, but didn't like that I was effectively 'forced' into it. I never told him this was how it happened.

Oxo01 · 31/08/2026 17:14

I would not pay it, its very cheeky !

I would not offer it as early xmas / birthday gifts either as that will soon be forgotten and by Xmas etc you will still end up buying presents regardless. ( thats if you do buy them gifts for special occasions)

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