AIBU not to pay for my sister’s younger children’s hobbies?

I think your mother’s attitude is equally as problematic as your sister’s. It seems that rather than accepting you are both adults reaping the harvests of your own choices, in her head you’re both still children she is in control of, and you must be made to share.

They’re treating your money as communal property. Your generosity is not being appreciated for what it is, and you’re actually resented for not paying up this the degree they think you should. Your previous giving isn’t a kindness, it is in fact you providing only a fraction of what they’re entitled to. Whatever you give isn’t ever going to be enough.

You see the attitude on Mumsnet a lot. Posters being very quick to label wealthier relatives ‘tight’ and ‘selfish’, when the issue is very clearly their own sense of entitlement. 9/10 out of ten they’re also the ones that claim they would pay for their relatives if they could afford to, knowing full well that they’re unlikely to be ever be in that position. They approach situations like yours from the perspective of the one expecting to receive, not from the perspective of the one expected to give.

Why should she care so much for someone else's kids? Because those kids are her own niece / nephew(s). Her own family. Can't think of any other reason.

Just curious: do you ever give money (or time) to charity? Wonder if there's a correlation.

I generally don't expect to shell out in excess of £7,500 per year to a single charity.

And on the whole, if a charity demands my money it won't get it; I'll find some other worthier cause to give it to.

Good heavens. I’m glad you’ve said you won’t pay, it’s beyond cheeky to ask!

You were very generous to pay for the older children but, as you say, that was a different time & for a good reason. You now have two DCs at uni, which is never cheap, plus I’m sure you’d rather either spend that money on something nice for yourselves or to help your own DCs out in the future.

I’m the “poor relative” in my family & I would never dream of asking my DB or DSis to fund my children’s lifestyle. In fact, I’d feel quite uncomfortable if they offered TBH!

They’re family but they are not her own children and not at all her responsibility, financial or otherwise. ‘Because they’re family’ isn’t a reason to pay.

I support a number of charities because I freely choose to. If anyone expects me to pay for them because they think my being able to afford it means I am thus obliged to, then the answer is a hard no, nope, and fuck no.

What's the hobby?

And there it is.. the real reason you won't pay: retaliation / rejection of the expectation / poor personal values (I agree it is). But why punish the kids? They didn't ask. They didn't expect.

The objection is always "the sister shouldn't have expected..." and I agree 💯. But that isn't what should be motivating the decision.

You give to charity. So you understand the value of helping others where you can and I assume this extends to family. So, taking the sister's expectation out of the equation: what is now your reason for saying no? Let's say the OP had just asked if she should offer to pay, i.e. to volunteer. Would that have changed your answer?

One of the hobbies is dance and the other is horse riding. Both for both children. The OP told us this yesterday at 17:26.

If it was a question pertaining your OWN younger children, then the fairness question could apply, as most parents want to treat their own offspring equally but there is absolutely no obligation to pay for someone else’s kids.

What a bloody cheek for your DSis to even ask!!

Why do you assume that anyone in their right mind would equate very young members of their family wanting to go horse-riding with children starving to death in third world countries, dying of dehydration because there is no source of water in their village, going blind in a painful and horrible way because of a trivially preventable disease whose cure costs pence per patient, having no house to live in, or being sexually abused?

Good grief. A sense of proportion is often a good thing.

She's being cheeky to expect you to pay. Maybe you van be generous and offer to subsidise the cheaper dance lessons only.

Correct. I reject the expectation and the sense of entitlement. I don’t want to fund people like that, so I won’t. Doing so would only encourage the blatant cheeky fuckery, and that is something I have no desire to indulge.

”You’re right not to want to be taken advantage of, but you should allow yourself to be taken advantage of because otherwise children will be sad” is a round about way of saying suck it up and cough up. No.

Without the expectation, it isn’t something I would think the offer anyway. Hobbies are something it is up to parents to fund. So why wouldn’t I pay? Because it wouldn’t occur to me to, and I wouldn’t want to. I need no other reasons. I’ll offer if I want to, when I want to. If I don’t want to offer then I won’t. It’s very simple. If Op asked if she should offer, my opinion would be the same - do what you want to do.

No one is punishing the children. They aren’t being denied anything they would otherwise have had, they’re simply not doing an optional hobby that their parents aren’t able to afford. They’re in precisely the same position they would be in if they didn’t have a wealthy aunt.

She expected the same lifestyle (that she didn't pay for) for the two children she chose to have and clearly can't afford.

Just say you paid for your children to do things with their cousins. You were paying for your childrens' experience not their cousins so you won't be repeating and she is cheeky to expect you to pay for their lifestyle.

The kids are Not being punished
the OP offered when the parent was a single mother and it was nice for the cousins to do it together
now they have 2 parents who could pay but they expect the OP to cough up instead to be ‘fair’

It isn't a punishment. Plenty of children grow up without expensive hobbies such as dance and horse riding. They are also 4 & 3 and have no idea.

Of course it is part of the motivation. What else will OP's sister demand? What else would be potentially 'punishing' the children? Not paying for private school?

OP needs to send the message that she isn't the family cash machine. She also isn't charity.

another pp has mentioned paying for the hobbies as a Christmas/ birthday present. Could that be an option?

OP has already said that she doesn't want to because they would be incredibly expensive Christmas/birthday presents.

Woah! Your mum is living in a dream world! Is your sister the golden child by any chance?

Either way, can you have a word with your mum and explain that these expectations are completely inappropriate and she is not helping by enabling and encouraging your sister?

Theres no point if her sister cant afford it the rest of the year. Her sister needs to live within her means.

Its not OPs responsibility.

The only thing I have done to even the playing field is give my DSis kids a house deposit. That to me is helping, but my DSis isn’t a piss taker

Of course I give to charity. Comparing charity for homeless people, people needing basic life essentials, starving children, abused animals, or women/families dealing with domestic violence is complete false equivalency to a sibling being expected to fund the expensive hobbies of another sibling's children. You have really effed up priorities! And, NO, it isn't "punishment" if the little darlings can't have their horse riding and dance lessons! They won't even miss what they don't know. What kind of whacked out, entitled universe do you live in?

Would you shell out hundreds of dollars a month for your niece's or nephew's Christmas presents?

I hate the expectation that people should pay just because they are better off. Most people (exception being those who are born into wealth) have worked bloody hard to get where they are, we can all make choices for ourselves. Don’t have more children if you cannot afford them.

Its definitely not Ops responsibility but plenty kids must get a short block of 4 or 6 riding lessons for Christmas.

It won't make them an Olympic rider but it's the experience which let's be honest is as much a lots of kids will ever get.
And it is a whole lot less clutter in the house.