AIBU not to pay for my sister’s younger children’s hobbies?

Talk about hyperbole! I don't know any families who pay for their nieces' and nephews' hobbies and other activities.

What's wrong with helping them? It's the fact that no-one else in their nuclear or wider family, including these children's own parents, are willing to put their hands in their pockets to make a contribution to help pay for these children's hobbies. All the expectations and obligations seem to fall on OP.

OP has already been incredibly generous with her sister's older children when her sister was a single parent and the cousins were close. This is no longer the case.

Do you personally pay for all the hobbies of every child in your family? And their university fees maybe? Oh, and they’ll all need a deposit to buy house.

What a bloody entitled cheek!!!!

Where has the OPs sister's parenting mindset gone then? Why is crap parenting always blamed on others for not contributing or stepping in? The parents are always seen as the victim and it's wrong.

@SheGood YANBU. You paid before because your children and hers were doing the same activities, she was a single mum and it benefitted everyone. That situation doesn’t exist now. It was a very generous thing to do then, sets no precedent for now but would again be a very generous thing to do, if you wanted to but you are not responsible for their sense of entitlement.

Her younger children have two parents and their hobbies aren’t connected to yours in any way, so there’s no reason for you to fund them. The context is completely different. And the “you’re better off so you should pay” mindset is deeply unfair and very common among siblings who’ve struggled financially. It’s resentment dressed up as entitlement.

Finances are something they should have considered when they went on to have kids, and you are not part of the solution to the difference between what they can afford for the kids and what they want. Its up to them.

Past help doesn’t create a lifelong obligation, and it’s unfair of her to assume you’ll pay just because you’re better off. But on that point, perhaps you would like to mention (if its appropriate) that having kids at Uni is very expensive for parents.

Your mum’s “you can’t do it for some and not others” is emotional logic, not real logic. These are not the same children, not the same circumstances, and not the same reason. If your mum feels strongly, she is welcome to contribute but she can’t volunteer your bank account and if she has supported them, she is over stepping the mark. If your mum feels strongly, she’s welcome to contribute but you’re not responsible for subsidising your sister’s choices.

"My sister was younger than me"

Presumably she still is?

I think she's extremely cheeky for expecting it . But if you can afford it and it won't affect your lifestyle in any way it's a nice thing to do . Completely understand you thinking she's irresponsible to have other children if she isn't able to provide the things she wants them to have .

It would be a hard no from me.

Absolutely not.
Difference is she now has a partner so she’s not a single parent. She shouldn’t be having more children knowing she can’t afford to raise them the way she wants.
She’s taking the piss!

Very unreasonable of her to put this on you. You're 100% right, imo, that she should not have had more children if she knew that life was difficult financially.

I would be a bit torn though. I'd want her kids to have a nice life and lovely experiences but it wouldn't feel it was my responsibility to pay for them. I also wonder if I'd feel aggrieved about it in the future?

The only thing I might do is pay for them but tell her that's their birthday and Christmas presents for the foreseeable - or for as long as thy're doing the hobby. I'd send them a card for their birthday and perhaps a selection box at Christmas but that's it.

“You’re better off so you should pay” mindset is deeply unfair and very common among singalongs who’ve struggled financially. It’s resentment dressed up as entitlement

Couldn’t agree more. Sadly it’s prevalent outwith just siblings. It’s the whole premise that “take the rich” and “wealth tax” is based upon. Jealously and resentment

I feel like there is an expectation we do it and my mum has said that we can’t really not do it for the younger children when we did it for the older ones.

The vast majority of people can't afford 4 children. If you have 4 children, you have to accept that they won't have as many extra-curriculars as families only paying for two children (unless you are really quite wealthy).

It's like she and your parents expect you to cushion her from the consequences of her own choices.

"I paid for the activity so that the children could all spend time together as cousins. I'm not a cash cow and it's not fair for you to expect me to subsidise your life choices. Pleaes don't ask me again."

I know you're being sarcastic, but this is a key dynamic here. Older sibling being expected to support younger sibling. Younger sibling who was always treated more leniently and never expected to grow up.

Wow, how shameless is she?

It says a lot about her grabby attitude that she even thinks you should, let alone expects it and asks for it. Really, really poor judgment on her part and you shouldn’t feel guilty for a second for saying no.

The circumstances last time were very specific and she had no partner. Presumably her new partner works and can help support his children?

Close it down politely but completely. I’d even be tempted to laugh it off as a big joke “Nice one, Joanne, you had me going for a minute!”.

Be prepared for her to ratchet up the emotional blackmail and possibly drag other family members into it. Be ready to ignore it all.

Her children her responsibility. You paid previously so your children could do hobbies together, this is taking the p... Her choice to have children, her responsibility to pag for them. This is no different to asking you to pay her grocery bill and she's manipulating your mother to pressure you. Absolutely not.

Of course you’re NBU @SheGood

tell her, I paid for your kids to do the activities so that MY kids had company

that’s not the situation now and you’re not going to pay for her little ones.

Will she like it? No, because she’s a CF and you know it, but she can’t make you pay.

Just explain that you paid for the other children to do the activities as they were close in age to your own children and they were doing it together. This is no longer the case and you won’t be paying.

You’re not being unreasonable, and it is very cheeky of her to ask. I would be tempted to pay if I was able to though to benefit my niece/nephews.

Totally not your responsibility to pay.
Depending on the ammount I’d probably pay for it up to the value of what I’d spend on Christmas/birthday presents - it’d save me brain work thinking of gifts!

For the sake if the children I would offer to pay half. Your sister and her partner cannot keep expecting others to pay for their children.

Ugh, that’s so unfair to put you in that position. I really don’t think your mum is right here; just because you were kind enough to pay once doesn’t mean in any way that there’s any expectation now. You’ve already been incredibly generous and I’m amazed that your family isn’t ashamed to be asking you for further handouts like this.

However, for the sake of finding some sort of ‘off ramp’, I’d probably put £100 cash in an envelope and give it to your sis saying that you can’t pay for the activities but you can give her this as a one-off contribution she can use towards them.

Or say that you’d be happy to give them some money towards one activity as a Christmas present (instead of toys or whatever).

She and her partner would then be expected to save up the rest. Plenty of parents do this for their kids’ activities - often by going without in other areas.

Oh I’m so sorry @user85642879067 I just read your post only after I’d posted my own suggesting the same thing re Christmas presents! I promise I wasn’t stealing your idea - great minds think alike!

If I had a close relationship with my sister and all of her children then I'd be tempted to pay, but only if you're so minted you won't even notice the money being spent.

But she did help her sister didn’t she? When her sister was a single parent.

Helping out all the time is actually detrimental to the sister. She will never step up as a parent herself. I mean no one forced her to have 2 more children with her current partner.

If I could afford it and thought the children would benefit I might do it.

Perhaps you need an open chat - I mean, this is your sister, hopefully you can talk openly. They are your neices/ nephews - and you are much better off than their parents.