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AIBU to question a pool asking my four-year-old daughter to cover up?

563 replies

ChampagneLassie · 30/08/2026 20:30

I took my two daughters, aged two and four, swimming at Nuffield Health. My four-year-old was wearing swimming bottoms but no top.
A staff member told me she needed to wear something “more appropriate” — apparently a bikini top or one-piece. I asked why, as a four-year-old boy would presumably be allowed to swim topless.
I said I felt this was sexualising a pre-pubescent child. The staff member replied, “I’m a mother. I’m not sexualising children.”
When I asked about the actual policy, she could only say that children had to wear “appropriate clothing”. I’m planning to contact Nuffield for clarification, but I’m interested in other parents’ views.
AIBU to question this? Would you expect a four-year-old girl to have to cover her chest?
I used AI to help make this post more readable.

OP posts:
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9
MsPrufrockk · 31/08/2026 09:51

ChampagneLassie · 31/08/2026 08:18

I agree that sounds sensible. I I didn’t realise it was uncommon. There aren’t many kids in the pool we use, they only allow a max of 6 a session and many are babies/toddlers. Outdoors and on holidays she’s in a full rash vest. Which is a fafth to get off when wet and she didn’t like wearing.i wasn’t trying to make any sort of point, but i absolutely take issue with this and I am going to make a point of this and raise it with Nuffield. My DD starts swimming lessons this week (elsewhere) so I’ll check what their policy is and I will comply but again I think I’ll politely raise my uncomfortableness with discriminating between little girls and boys

Totally not the point of the thread, sorry, but the first time you wrote fafth I assumed it was a typo of faff, but is it an actual word?

Sillyme1 · 31/08/2026 09:52

I’d complain then go to a different pool

Myli1 · 31/08/2026 10:02

Octavia64 · 31/08/2026 09:55

It’s an NSPCC campaign. It’s widely used in schools and educational settings generally including many early years settings.

this is the campaign
https://www.nspcc.org.uk/advice-for-families/pants-underwear-rule/

the private parts song isn’t the original song that went with the campaign but it seems to be widely used - this version is on insta

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVk8rKIjN5M/?igsi=MWV1ejVnNWw0cnZyOA==

Ah ok thanks. I must say our two (DD and DS) weren’t brought up with that. When they hit puberty they were anxious to cover themselves up of course, but when they were small they were quite happy to run around on the beach and play in the garden in the summer without clothes, just the same as I did at that age.

minipie · 31/08/2026 10:04

Octavia64 · 31/08/2026 09:55

It’s an NSPCC campaign. It’s widely used in schools and educational settings generally including many early years settings.

this is the campaign
https://www.nspcc.org.uk/advice-for-families/pants-underwear-rule/

the private parts song isn’t the original song that went with the campaign but it seems to be widely used - this version is on insta

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVk8rKIjN5M/?igsi=MWV1ejVnNWw0cnZyOA==

There’s a big difference between “nobody should touch or ask to see my private parts” and “I ought to cover up (including chest) at all times”. The former is telling kids they can say no, the latter is putting a big restriction on kids and making them wear more clothing than they may feel comfortable in.

UnbeatenMum · 31/08/2026 10:07

I think it saves lifeguards from having to police older girls and make judgements on who or who hasn't started puberty by just having a blanket rule for all girls. And by this being the norm it helps avoid embarrassment for those 8 or 9 year old girls whose parents aren't aware of their stage of development or who are maybe being sent in inappropriate swimwear for abusive reasons.

Metalmotha · 31/08/2026 10:08

This is bizarre and the comments equally bizarre. A 4 year old girl has nothing to cover on top. By saying she should cover her top and a boy, who would look the same at that age doesn’t need to is internalised misogyny. It is looking at a child’s future potential to grow glands to feed babies, which men also sexualise. Therefore, demanding a 4 year old girl cover a top is absolutely sexualising your daughter, consciously or unconsciously

BogRollBOGOF · 31/08/2026 10:09

It is uncommon for girls to be topless after the swim nappy stage. A combination of safeguarding awareness (teaching children about private body parts) and covering up more for UV protection when outside have contributed to that shift in culture.

There's also been parallel shifts in culture with moving to proper PE kits rather than pants and vest (where vest may not have been worn in warmer weather) I doubt many parents of 4-7 year olds would welcome a return to that standard of dress...

My sons have usually had their tops covered when swimming, first with UV suits that went over their swim nappies that made them easier to hold than slippery wet skin. They also reduced the number of sensory changes of being in/ out the water with a more consistent feel. They then wore shortie wet suits for warmth. Larger costumes also make it easier to be more visible in the water for safety/ lifeguarding with sensible colours compared to bare skin. There are many practical reasons why children are wearing more for swimming that aren't about modesty.

A 4 year old girl probably wouldn't raise eyebrows being topless in a more "male" style of trunks/ shorts that are cut a bit more generously. Bikini bottoms are socially coded as being half an outfit in a way that boys' swimwear isn't. It's clashing two layers of social expectation and stands out as unusual.

4 is not so very far from ages where physical differences start to show up. 4 is the start of school years and by 7 at the end of infants there is a need to draw a line on female and male privacy. Embarassment sometimes does kick in naturally, it doesn't always and I wouldn't want to have to teach two layers of social rule of acceptable dressing/ privacy a few years apart. I was a late developer and only started wearing crop-tops and bras out of social pressure at secondary school, first on PE changing days as no one else was topless. I only finally wore a bra daily because I was laughed at and ridiculed by the boy behind me who couldn't see straps through my shirt. Drawing a line at physical differences doesn't always hold up well and creates years of gulf between early developers and late developers.

For comfort, we're in an era of a range of options on what swimwear is avaliable.

A topless 4 year old girl wouldn't offend me, but it is something that is sufficiently unusual (in a swimming pool) to attract attention and comment. In gender expectations, it's not a hill I would die on to buy a couple more years on in gender neutral/ equal dressing.

Bepo77 · 31/08/2026 10:14

I wish kids could be kids all the time too. My kids would be completely naked year round if they had it their way.

Unfortunately though, there are people who enjoy seeing kids with their bodies exposed. Your choice what to do with that. For me, it means covering my daughter's top half.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 31/08/2026 10:17

ToKittyornottoKitty · 30/08/2026 20:36

Why wasn’t she wearing a swim top? Her views might be outdated but I’m not sure it’s fair to accuse her to sexualising your child.

Think about why little girls - babies - should have to wear a top, when little boys, whose torsos are identical, do not. A pre-pubescent child’s secondary sexual characteristics are non existent. So to imply a little girl needs to ‘cover up’ is implicitly sexualising a toddler’s flat chest and nipples. It’s indefensible.

Ohsuchsorefeet · 31/08/2026 10:17

Grandma here. I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid personally.
What I did get concerned about recently was a neighbours eight-year-old child in her bedroom window without her PJ top on waving at me as I walked up the short path to visit. Definitely showing she was a girl as she has very long hair.

PoliteSquid · 31/08/2026 10:19

I’m surprised no one else has picked up on your comment that you’ve only just thought to buy her a swimming costume for swimming lessons that start next week!! Was this your first ever visit to a public swimming pool?!

MrsShawnHatosy · 31/08/2026 10:19

Greentigershoo · 30/08/2026 20:36

I actually find children that age wearing bikini tops weird, they have nothing to cover and I feel like bikini tops suggest that they do. But I spent half my childhood in Italy where it's very much the norm for little girls just to wear bottoms without the top.

Yes children that age wearing bikini tops is weird. But a simple two piece? What’s wrong with that?

Sereine · 31/08/2026 10:19

Bepo77 · 31/08/2026 10:14

I wish kids could be kids all the time too. My kids would be completely naked year round if they had it their way.

Unfortunately though, there are people who enjoy seeing kids with their bodies exposed. Your choice what to do with that. For me, it means covering my daughter's top half.

But it's highly likely that such people will also enjoy seeing boys with their bodies exposed. On this argument, logically we should keep children in clothes with long sleeves and long trousers all day.

Bepo77 · 31/08/2026 10:20

Sereine · 31/08/2026 10:19

But it's highly likely that such people will also enjoy seeing boys with their bodies exposed. On this argument, logically we should keep children in clothes with long sleeves and long trousers all day.

Totally agree. I do! Mine wear wetsuits.

Sereine · 31/08/2026 10:22

UnbeatenMum · 31/08/2026 10:07

I think it saves lifeguards from having to police older girls and make judgements on who or who hasn't started puberty by just having a blanket rule for all girls. And by this being the norm it helps avoid embarrassment for those 8 or 9 year old girls whose parents aren't aware of their stage of development or who are maybe being sent in inappropriate swimwear for abusive reasons.

If this is such a problem with lifeguards, surely they would have an equal problem trying to work out whether every child with long hair is a boy or girl?

ChampagneLassie · 31/08/2026 10:25

MsPrufrockk · 31/08/2026 09:51

Totally not the point of the thread, sorry, but the first time you wrote fafth I assumed it was a typo of faff, but is it an actual word?

I’m dyslexic so I get words muddled up, im sure you’re correct

OP posts:
minipie · 31/08/2026 10:27

Bepo77 · 31/08/2026 10:14

I wish kids could be kids all the time too. My kids would be completely naked year round if they had it their way.

Unfortunately though, there are people who enjoy seeing kids with their bodies exposed. Your choice what to do with that. For me, it means covering my daughter's top half.

Do you really think that a sexual predator will lose interest simply because a child is wearing a bikini top? Doubt it makes much difference to that sort of person.

Depressingly there are some people who will find children a sexual turn on no matter what they are wearing.

I do agree with covering groin area - not least for hygiene reasons - but beyond that I think that we have to balance the comfort of the child against the (thankfully fairly small) risk of someone watching.

ChampagneLassie · 31/08/2026 10:30

PoliteSquid · 31/08/2026 10:19

I’m surprised no one else has picked up on your comment that you’ve only just thought to buy her a swimming costume for swimming lessons that start next week!! Was this your first ever visit to a public swimming pool?!

We swim weekly at Nuffield but we have visited other pools. I’ve rather got my hands full with my own kids and I’ve never massively noticed other kids swimwear. Until recently she was in a float suit. So just wearing bikini bottoms has only been the last few weeks since she learnt to swim. I bought her a 2 x bottom and rash vest outfits for our holiday but not been putting her in the rash vest for the pool. I’d assumed she’d do the lessons in the bottoms. It seems daft to me but it’s not a hill I want to die on and I want her to feel comfortable so I’ll buy her a coddle for Thursday!

OP posts:
Bepo77 · 31/08/2026 10:31

minipie · 31/08/2026 10:27

Do you really think that a sexual predator will lose interest simply because a child is wearing a bikini top? Doubt it makes much difference to that sort of person.

Depressingly there are some people who will find children a sexual turn on no matter what they are wearing.

I do agree with covering groin area - not least for hygiene reasons - but beyond that I think that we have to balance the comfort of the child against the (thankfully fairly small) risk of someone watching.

As someone with experience, yes, I think a predator will be more excited by a girl who, unusually, has no top on, versus a girl in a wetsuit. I think it's an incredibly unfortunate reality, but a reality nonetheless.

Theworldsgonemadagain · 31/08/2026 10:36

I don't like seeing little girls in bikinis they look far too grown up, gives me Jonbenet Ramsey vibes.

bababamama · 31/08/2026 10:41

One piece swimsuits are the norm, I’ve never seen little girls in bikinis at the local pool, very few adults women wear bikinis actually, I do (heavy duty one with high waisted pants, my preference) and our pool has a sign up saying no thong style swimwear

PinkWaffleMaker · 31/08/2026 10:41

ChampagneLassie · 31/08/2026 10:30

We swim weekly at Nuffield but we have visited other pools. I’ve rather got my hands full with my own kids and I’ve never massively noticed other kids swimwear. Until recently she was in a float suit. So just wearing bikini bottoms has only been the last few weeks since she learnt to swim. I bought her a 2 x bottom and rash vest outfits for our holiday but not been putting her in the rash vest for the pool. I’d assumed she’d do the lessons in the bottoms. It seems daft to me but it’s not a hill I want to die on and I want her to feel comfortable so I’ll buy her a coddle for Thursday!

She might not need them OP but swim suits with short sleeves are good if they need to wear the foam arm disks for lessons. They stop them rubbing.

Daisychain700 · 31/08/2026 10:56

I agree with you OP. It reminds me of an incident with my DD who was 6. She was proudly wanting to put her swimsuit on herself for her swimming lesson. I wasn’t looking properly as helping other DD and went upstairs to the viewing gallery. Then there was a bit of an anxious flurry of activity around her and it was gestured for me to come down. She had put her swimsuit on back to front. I was happy to help her put it on the right way but the swimming teacher was worried and was saying her nipples are exposed and we need to be concerned about her modesty and it all seemed to be urgent and that I had put her in danger. It’s a swimming session for kids with parents watching upstairs and she had only just turned 6, I didn’t think it was such a bad thing and the way they were reacting made her more worried that she had got things wrong. ☹️

Sinkysocks · 31/08/2026 10:56

Hmmm this is a bit of an odd thread. A British mother who didn’t know that little girls in the uk commonly wear a swimming costume that covers their top? Had you never been to a pool with children before now? It’s hard work getting two kids into costumes? Hmmm

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