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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to expect my husband to pay me back for deposit money?

114 replies

Handlepop · 29/08/2026 22:24

If you’re married with young kids, how do you share finances?
Do you have a joint account?
I’m 30 and married and we have 2 toddlers.
I prefer to keep my money separate to my husband. For a long time I was the breadwinner as he was in training for his role and so I built up savings and investments. We both contribute to household bills and things for the kids, and have roughly an equal amount of “fun money”.
Recently he’s brought a well run franchise and needed money for the deposit (around £30k) so of course I gave it. When I told my friends I expect it back later they were surprised and said it’s his too.

My sister went through a messy divorce and ended up with nothing and me and husband are happily married I just feel more comfortable having my own foundation, is that unreasonable?

OP posts:
Minasama · 30/08/2026 20:05

edwinbear · 30/08/2026 10:23

DH and I run our finances separately. There are a few reasons for this. 1) Most of our savings and investments are in ISAs and they can’t be held in joint names. 2) He has a different attitude to risk than me. He does a lot of active management of his investments. He’s an ex currency trader so is in and out of shares regularly, whereas I prefer to hold more cash and invest in one or two funds. 3) He has a very good DB pension scheme he can access in 18 months. I have a DC scheme which whilst well funded, will pay a much smaller pension. 4) He’s likely to inherit well from his parents, I won’t.

This means jointly, we have a good mix of cash, passive and active investments but I want to manage my own money in line with my own risk profile. My cash is also ear marked for paying off the mortgage/school fees/uni costs if one of us loses our job. Of course we discuss what we have between us, but I don’t want him interfering with how I manage my money and I don’t opine on which shares he’s planning to buy/sell. It works for us and I’d want £30k back that I’d lent him too.

That all sounds very sensible. I always assume the “our finances are joint” brigade don’t have very much in the way of finances, since neither ISAs nor pensions nor investment accounts can be held jointly.

Retired65 · 30/08/2026 20:36

I have my own bank account and a joint bank account. My husband also has his own bank account which he rarely uses. I like having my own bank account so I can buy what I like without it being questioned.

GoodkneeBadKnee · 30/08/2026 20:51

OtterlyMad · 30/08/2026 18:42

Your response does nothing to convince us otherwise 😊

Show quote history

The thing is, I'm not bothered about convincing anyone about anything. I'm just talking about my own situation. I'm not telling anyone what being married "should mean" . I'm not banging on about richer or poorer. I'm not saying I don't understand joint everything. I'm talking about me. Just me.

Nocommentisacomment · 30/08/2026 21:11

JLou08 · 29/08/2026 23:53

Everything is shared with my DH. I couldn't imagine living another way. Isn't the sharing of finances one of the main components of marriage? It's not much more than a nice day out with a certificate otherwise.

Agree. I’ll never understand people who get married but continue living like two separate individuals with separate lives, separate goals and separate finances.

How are you supposed to build a life together if you’re constantly protecting what’s “mine” from your own spouse? You can’t genuinely progress together without shared goals, shared dreams and a willingness to share what you have.

I honestly don’t care who earns more or who owns more. If I’m married to you, I don’t want “my money” and “your money.” I want us to sit down and decide together what we’re doing with what we have: holiday, investment, savings, or spending it.

And the irony is hilarious: people are perfectly comfortable sharing their DNA, their home, their body and their entire future with someone, but suddenly sharing money is where they draw the line.

If you’re that determined to keep your life and finances completely separate, just admit you want a partner, not a marriage.

Nothavingagoodvalentinesday · 30/08/2026 22:10

Depends what was said when you handed over the money. Did you agree it was a loan or was it implied that it was a gift? Doesn’t matter either way but the original agreement is important.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 30/08/2026 22:40

That’s fair. I’m sure if you got divorce he’d be entitled to a big chunk, if his business takes off then it’s a win for him and you. You lent him money, you didn’t invest it. He should return it.

changeme4this · 30/08/2026 23:17

The business would have been a joint purchase if it was us. However why didn’t he borrow from the bank if it’s such a success? Tax deductible etc (or at least where I live).

Lurch1977 · 31/08/2026 01:36

You should make it a loan to the business officially then the repayments and interest can be written off by the business. This will benefit you both resulting in lower tax payments. You can then charge a reasonable rate of interest to the business

bocketyaulbag · 31/08/2026 03:59

We are all different. We pool absolutely everything 100%, that's what we saw marriage as being. Why get married otherwise? But that's what suits us. You don't have to convince me you are right, you only have to be right for you

bocketyaulbag · 31/08/2026 04:03

Minasama · 30/08/2026 20:05

That all sounds very sensible. I always assume the “our finances are joint” brigade don’t have very much in the way of finances, since neither ISAs nor pensions nor investment accounts can be held jointly.

Show quote history

Many people who have joint finances have plenty. I pay me salary and my DH pays his pension into a joint account. We own a few properties jointly. Your argument is specious.

Doneworking · 31/08/2026 08:14

Ponoka7 · 30/08/2026 14:50

Posters are missing the fact that the DH is self employed. As many ex wives will testify on here, it's easy to hide money/income and then have the children just enough that they are truly fucked over. How many blindsided threads are there on here?
@Doneworking if there is a properly written will, then it's easy to access the money. I've been widowed and executor of a few wills. Probate isn't difficult to do and if the estate is complex, then you can save money by having a solicitor do it.
@Soontobe60 not in England and it depends on how money/property was gained.
@OtterlyMad it isn't insecurities, it's the experience of knowing women who have been financially taken advantage of. Self employed/head of company, husbands, who are planning on leaving, usually because of a OW, sew things up very tightly. My sister-in-laws husband just stopped paying the tax, no-one could trace where the money had gone, it wasn't discovered until the divorce was finalised, but it meant a big bill for her. He'd also disappeared a few work vans. Luckily she'd overpaid the mortgage on another property she owned, so wasn't homeless and could take a mortgage break. People think that they'll have access to accounts etc, but everything can be frozen by the courts.

I was thinking more of people who don’t have Wills for whatever reason.

AngelRoja · 31/08/2026 11:50

Limehawkmoth · 30/08/2026 09:34

And something that isn’t ?

Show quote history

Inheritances are not joint

AngelRoja · 31/08/2026 11:51

Inheritances are not joint

AngelRoja · 31/08/2026 11:53

And what does your husband think about this? It's a very relevant question.

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