AIBU to expect my husband to pay me back for deposit money?

AngelRoja · 31/08/2026 11:53

And what does your husband think about this? It's a very relevant question.

AngelRoja · 31/08/2026 11:51

Inheritances are not joint

AngelRoja · 31/08/2026 11:50

Limehawkmoth · 30/08/2026 09:34

And something that isn’t ?

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Inheritances are not joint

Doneworking · 31/08/2026 08:14

Ponoka7 · 30/08/2026 14:50

Posters are missing the fact that the DH is self employed. As many ex wives will testify on here, it's easy to hide money/income and then have the children just enough that they are truly fucked over. How many blindsided threads are there on here?
@Doneworking if there is a properly written will, then it's easy to access the money. I've been widowed and executor of a few wills. Probate isn't difficult to do and if the estate is complex, then you can save money by having a solicitor do it.
@Soontobe60 not in England and it depends on how money/property was gained.
@OtterlyMad it isn't insecurities, it's the experience of knowing women who have been financially taken advantage of. Self employed/head of company, husbands, who are planning on leaving, usually because of a OW, sew things up very tightly. My sister-in-laws husband just stopped paying the tax, no-one could trace where the money had gone, it wasn't discovered until the divorce was finalised, but it meant a big bill for her. He'd also disappeared a few work vans. Luckily she'd overpaid the mortgage on another property she owned, so wasn't homeless and could take a mortgage break. People think that they'll have access to accounts etc, but everything can be frozen by the courts.

I was thinking more of people who don’t have Wills for whatever reason.

bocketyaulbag · 31/08/2026 04:03

Minasama · 30/08/2026 20:05

That all sounds very sensible. I always assume the “our finances are joint” brigade don’t have very much in the way of finances, since neither ISAs nor pensions nor investment accounts can be held jointly.

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Many people who have joint finances have plenty. I pay me salary and my DH pays his pension into a joint account. We own a few properties jointly. Your argument is specious.

bocketyaulbag · 31/08/2026 03:59

We are all different. We pool absolutely everything 100%, that's what we saw marriage as being. Why get married otherwise? But that's what suits us. You don't have to convince me you are right, you only have to be right for you

Lurch1977 · 31/08/2026 01:36

You should make it a loan to the business officially then the repayments and interest can be written off by the business. This will benefit you both resulting in lower tax payments. You can then charge a reasonable rate of interest to the business

changeme4this · 30/08/2026 23:17

The business would have been a joint purchase if it was us. However why didn’t he borrow from the bank if it’s such a success? Tax deductible etc (or at least where I live).

EmeraldShamrock000 · 30/08/2026 22:40

That’s fair. I’m sure if you got divorce he’d be entitled to a big chunk, if his business takes off then it’s a win for him and you. You lent him money, you didn’t invest it. He should return it.

Nothavingagoodvalentinesday · 30/08/2026 22:10

Depends what was said when you handed over the money. Did you agree it was a loan or was it implied that it was a gift? Doesn’t matter either way but the original agreement is important.

Nocommentisacomment · 30/08/2026 21:11

JLou08 · 29/08/2026 23:53

Everything is shared with my DH. I couldn't imagine living another way. Isn't the sharing of finances one of the main components of marriage? It's not much more than a nice day out with a certificate otherwise.

Agree. I’ll never understand people who get married but continue living like two separate individuals with separate lives, separate goals and separate finances.

How are you supposed to build a life together if you’re constantly protecting what’s “mine” from your own spouse? You can’t genuinely progress together without shared goals, shared dreams and a willingness to share what you have.

I honestly don’t care who earns more or who owns more. If I’m married to you, I don’t want “my money” and “your money.” I want us to sit down and decide together what we’re doing with what we have: holiday, investment, savings, or spending it.

And the irony is hilarious: people are perfectly comfortable sharing their DNA, their home, their body and their entire future with someone, but suddenly sharing money is where they draw the line.

If you’re that determined to keep your life and finances completely separate, just admit you want a partner, not a marriage.

GoodkneeBadKnee · 30/08/2026 20:51

OtterlyMad · 30/08/2026 18:42

Your response does nothing to convince us otherwise 😊

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The thing is, I'm not bothered about convincing anyone about anything. I'm just talking about my own situation. I'm not telling anyone what being married "should mean" . I'm not banging on about richer or poorer. I'm not saying I don't understand joint everything. I'm talking about me. Just me.

Retired65 · 30/08/2026 20:36

I have my own bank account and a joint bank account. My husband also has his own bank account which he rarely uses. I like having my own bank account so I can buy what I like without it being questioned.

Minasama · 30/08/2026 20:05

edwinbear · 30/08/2026 10:23

DH and I run our finances separately. There are a few reasons for this. 1) Most of our savings and investments are in ISAs and they can’t be held in joint names. 2) He has a different attitude to risk than me. He does a lot of active management of his investments. He’s an ex currency trader so is in and out of shares regularly, whereas I prefer to hold more cash and invest in one or two funds. 3) He has a very good DB pension scheme he can access in 18 months. I have a DC scheme which whilst well funded, will pay a much smaller pension. 4) He’s likely to inherit well from his parents, I won’t.

This means jointly, we have a good mix of cash, passive and active investments but I want to manage my own money in line with my own risk profile. My cash is also ear marked for paying off the mortgage/school fees/uni costs if one of us loses our job. Of course we discuss what we have between us, but I don’t want him interfering with how I manage my money and I don’t opine on which shares he’s planning to buy/sell. It works for us and I’d want £30k back that I’d lent him too.

That all sounds very sensible. I always assume the “our finances are joint” brigade don’t have very much in the way of finances, since neither ISAs nor pensions nor investment accounts can be held jointly.

Minasama · 30/08/2026 20:02

You sound a lot savvier than your friends. Perhaps they have not been in the position of being the main breadwinner?

LeopardStar1 · 30/08/2026 19:52

Handlepop · 29/08/2026 22:24

If you’re married with young kids, how do you share finances?
Do you have a joint account?
I’m 30 and married and we have 2 toddlers.
I prefer to keep my money separate to my husband. For a long time I was the breadwinner as he was in training for his role and so I built up savings and investments. We both contribute to household bills and things for the kids, and have roughly an equal amount of “fun money”.
Recently he’s brought a well run franchise and needed money for the deposit (around £30k) so of course I gave it. When I told my friends I expect it back later they were surprised and said it’s his too.

My sister went through a messy divorce and ended up with nothing and me and husband are happily married I just feel more comfortable having my own foundation, is that unreasonable?

You're married. There is no yours and his. Even with a prenup, if you were to divorce, everything he has and everything you have goes in a pot and they divide the total pot between you.

BananaramaNananana · 30/08/2026 19:38

As a few other posters have noted, it is a business loan for a franchise. Totally different. Needs to be noted and treated as such.

OtterlyMad · 30/08/2026 18:42

GoodkneeBadKnee · 30/08/2026 18:30

Your conclusion is wrong😊

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Your response does nothing to convince us otherwise 😊

HeyPrune · 30/08/2026 18:32

Absolutely fine to just lend it. I would do the same. We have a joint account to which we each pay a set amount each month, but the rest of our savings, investments etc are held individually.

notacooldad · 30/08/2026 18:32

Personally, I think it’s very naive not to have your own money and your own account.

While i hear what you are saying, I am not completely dumb.
Our marriage has accured a lot of buisness, pension plans and investments. I would not be out on my ear if the worse to happen. Currently I have access to all the money that is available to both of us. Dh is frugal in many ways and I'm not particularly materistic so money just gets stashed.
Im not concerned about a joint account being emptied!
If anything i gave done extremely well out of our marriage.

PeachMelbaYoghurt · 30/08/2026 18:31

YANBU

I have lent £70K from my DH which I will pay back. No solicitors letter. I'm a woman of integrity, and we both trust each other.

People on here bang on about pooling finances when married in one sentence, then telling women to squirrel money away and have an emergency LTB fund - so which is it?!

My DH pays for everything as I'm a SAHM, I'll be paying the £70K back at a rate of £15K/yr from income from investments I have.

GoodkneeBadKnee · 30/08/2026 18:30

OtterlyMad · 30/08/2026 10:34

In what way did I insinuate that my union is “superior”? I have certain beliefs about marriage (none of them particularly outlandish!) one of them is that finances should be joint. Another is that husbands and wives should be faithful - if I say that “I don’t see the point of getting married if you’re going to cheat on your partner” does that also mean I’m acting superior?!

I can only conclude that your perception is a reflection of your own insecurities.

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Your conclusion is wrong😊

cucumber4745 · 30/08/2026 18:29

People here are jumping to conclusions. It really depends on how long you have been married etc. if you build up your savings before getting married then it is absolutely your money and nothing you bring to the marriage before it will count as shared. However, since you put the money in the business during the marriage, technically that business is also yours until he buys you out - return your money. There is nothing wrong with keeping finances somehow separate. If I married tomorrow I most certainly would as I build everything I have over a decade I did not even know my partner. The same applies to him. Why should he suddenly be entitled to my savings or me to his house because we signed a paper. If you have been together for 15 years and build everything together it is different but for couples that do get married older no it is not weird to have separate finances. In fact every couple I know married or not who completely merged finances, the woman was fucked when separating as their partners were terrible with money and they ended up paying off their debt. You can have shared household account and separate accounts which in this day and age is the smart thing to do! You are not being unreasonable…

Rocknrollstar · 30/08/2026 18:22

The advice these days is that every woman should have an escape fund. If you lent him the money and have a signed letter you are entitled to expect it to be returned.

MidnightMeltdown · 30/08/2026 18:19

notacooldad · 30/08/2026 10:05

We've been together for 36 years and ad two children we have hone through the richer or poorer bit of our vows several times!!!!
Right from the beginning we had a joint account where everything went in. We didnt have a savings account for a while as we were literally hand to mouth.
As years have tolled on dh took out an 80k remortgage for a buisness and that has been the best investment ever for us.
There have been times when dh has had poor health and ive propped up the finances and theres been times when I've taken a madive pay cut and he has supported me. There has never been any ' well I paid gor this and you owe me'

I remember a colleague commenting that his wife had forgotten to pay him back for a tin of cat food he had bought for his cat and that absolutely blew my mind!

Well it’s all very lovely that it’s worked out for you, but on the other hand, I know of a few cases where the husband has fucked off with another woman and emptied the joint account.

Personally, I think it’s very naive not to have your own money and your own account.