AIBU to expect my husband to pay me back for deposit money?

You got married?! It's literally a contract that makes all your stuff shared.

Why would you do that if you didn't want to share stuff?

Not everything is automatically joint

Everything goes into one account, has since we moved in together about a year into our relationship, together 20 years shortly, each of us has been the higher earner at times and we've had times we've been well off and times that are lean. I don't recognise this idea of everything remaining yours after marriage and kids. That said we have similar outlooks o. Life and approaches to spending and saving and communicate a lot and openly about money. I think therefore being completely 1 pot has been beneficial for our relationship but I'm not sure it's for everyone because of one you is spendy and the other savey it's be msierable

You’re married with children not lodgers. Everything is joint.

I wouldn’t expect to be paid back in the traditional sense, but the family savings (because I would see them as family savings) should be replenished from the profits of the business.

We have what we consider to be shared finances but we don’t have joint accounts. We just don’t keep a running tally, we don’t pay each other back and we don’t split household costs or restaurant bills.

30k is hardly pennies, and seeing as 50% of marriages do end, it sounds much more sensible than keeping you fingers crossed that your life will play out like a Disney film.

I think joint finances are great until they're not. Joint for some bits but keep plenty separate. You are spot on. He must pay you back as you would if he had loaned you.

You are married.
For richer, for poorer.
if his business does really well, I am assuming you will enjoy the benefits too?
We have one joint account. I manage it because my husband is not financially engaged. He has always earned far more than me and trusts me totally.

The marriage act is clear. Section 25 . Matrimonial causes act 1975
”fair settlement”

the courts can’t even sign off a consent agreement unless rules of fair settlement are met. Not all rules apply to everyone, and it depends on how much money/assets are in marriage. BUT all assets are included; pensions, property, business, chattels, income. No exceptions. Starting point on divorce forms you complete for a financial agreement, is legal requirement to declare all assets. No matter what.

if, and only if, there are enough assets in marriage to meet rules of fair settlement, will a court then potentially agree to couples meeting previous agreements like prenups, loan agreements, inheritance etc.

Consent orders have been turned down by court for not meeting fair settlement- head over to divorce board to see historic examples of this.

sure, fire ahead with loan agreements, and keeping your assets seperately if it makes you happy. But if you think it will protect you against where your spouse is poorer, feckless, abusive or anything else, if your combined assets are limited, from them walking with “your” assets, then dream on. A marriage certificate is a legal arrangement to share your assets with another. That legally stopped you being financially independent from day you married.

there is a reason why Lady Hale, who was involved in modifying this law, calls it the “law of shared misery”.

And something that isn’t ?

If the thought of sharing everything terrifies you, it's simple, just live together as though married but don't get married!

Living together long term is fine - I know couples who have been doing that 25+ years although, interestingly, now some are getting married or becoming civil partners to avoid one of them having to pay inheritance tax if the other dies...

I mean, if you keep finances separate then I can understand you wanting the money back. But I don’t see the point in getting married if you want to keep your finances separate. For me, it completely defeats the point.

As you said there are other benefits to being married. I think it’s perfectly fine to have joint or separate or a mix of both even if you are married. I would want to pay for my husband’s birthday present out of my own rather than the joint account for example. As long as there is no financial abuse either works.

I don't think it's necessarily relevant whether you have joint or separate accounts, because you're married - but once the business is up and running, I would expect the business to be paying back the personal savings, whether they're in your name or both names - but it will also depend on what agreement you signed, and whether you expect it back as a lump sum or smaller payments over an agreed period (which I should have thought was more likely.)

Legally money within a marriage is shared and so this is about your own internal beliefs in your relationship. Lots of couples share all money (we do) so it would be a bit alien to those that operate like this. But if it works for you and everyone is happy then I wouldn’t worry about it! You do you.

Your set up is absolutely not what I’d consider an acceptable way of dealing with finances as a couple for my relationships. I can’t imagine being in a partnership where one person was building up significant personal assets and investments and the other wasn’t.

But per the rules of your system, it’s reasonable to expect the money back.

We've been together 34 years, married for 23. Never had a joint account. If I was in your situation, I'd want the £ back though.

With all my worldly goods I thee endow? For richer, for poorer?

I know those aren’t said in civil ceremonies but the whole point of marriage is that you become a new family and share all of your assets. You tie yourself to a person romantically, financially and legally. Otherwise what’s the point? You don’t need a certificate and witnesses just to promise each other you’ll stay together for the rest of your lives, potentially have children, but otherwise keep everything separate.

Me personally, I wouldn’t have given it to begin with. If you don’t have the equity to start a business of that size, you shouldn’t be starting a business of that size. (Dh started his business with about £1500)

But yes, I would expect the money to be repaid if I wasn’t a business partner. It would be very different if it was our house. We put in varying amounts for the deposit (I put in more than Dh), Dh pays about a 1/3 more of the mortgage each month and pays for nearly all repairs and maintenance. No one is keeping score. We own as joint tenants.

But a business is not so much a marital asset and if you aren’t an active partner, no that money should be repaid (and properly accounted for in accounts too).

We have separate finances but do have a joint account for bills. We split the bills/ any fun money and big purchases down the middle. My DP earns slightly more but we both prefer to keep things this way. Similar to you I don't understand couples who share everything, especially couples like us who have got together later in life. Every single couple I know who do joint finances, one person comes out of the arrangement worse and is unable to save their own money or wages and it leads to tensions.

For a franchise deposit yes I’d expect that back once the business makes enough to cover it - more on the principle that that needs to be taken into account in the business’s finances, he can be kidding himself it’s successful if that never has to be recovered.

The rest of it - you have equal fun money. But your fun money has been after you’ve saved in your name so actually you did not have the same disposable income (to spend or save). So unless one party is rubbish with money this does not sound very equitable. If it was the husband squirrelling away money and the wife with little savings I’d think that unfair. Unless this was in the earlier days of your relationship, as you are still young.

For what it’s worth we don’t have a joint account but we split the bills so we have equal left over for spending or saving. So I pay the big bills as I earn more. When money was tight when we had huge childcare bills I used to work it out in detail, nowadays it’s just roughly balanced.

I think lots of people have already said this, but it’s all irrelevant. If you divorce all assets/monies/pensions/investments etc will be split 50/50 regardless of who had what, earned what, or spent what.

this

People get married for all sorts of reasons. The "worldly goods" thing is mostly in the bin now, alongside promising to obey...

This isn't Dragons Den (and even they would want something back for their investment).

It's to start a business, of couse it needs repaying / replacing.

No wonder there's a thread on here each week from a woman who has been shafted financially by a man, seeing some of the responses.