AIBU to expect my husband to pay me back for deposit money?

We've been together for 36 years and ad two children we have hone through the richer or poorer bit of our vows several times!!!!
Right from the beginning we had a joint account where everything went in. We didnt have a savings account for a while as we were literally hand to mouth.
As years have tolled on dh took out an 80k remortgage for a buisness and that has been the best investment ever for us.
There have been times when dh has had poor health and ive propped up the finances and theres been times when I've taken a madive pay cut and he has supported me. There has never been any ' well I paid gor this and you owe me'

I remember a colleague commenting that his wife had forgotten to pay him back for a tin of cat food he had bought for his cat and that absolutely blew my mind!

I think the issue here is discussing your personal finances with friends.
If you and your husband are both happy with the arrangement, there's no need for third party opinions.

Inheritance, savings before marriage

That poster was quoting @ChaliceinWonderland.

They have put 'honey' in quote marks to make a point. It isn't fair to tell them to fuck off - tell the poster who used it originally.

Agree. But you shouldn't have discussed with your friends, OP. None of their business.

And for us, separate finances have always worked. We've never argued about money. On these threads, people with joint everything always struggle to understand that. From my perspective, I think great if joint everything works for you. Crack on. You don't need to insinuate that your union is superior to those of us who do things differently.

DH and I run our finances separately. There are a few reasons for this. 1) Most of our savings and investments are in ISAs and they can’t be held in joint names. 2) He has a different attitude to risk than me. He does a lot of active management of his investments. He’s an ex currency trader so is in and out of shares regularly, whereas I prefer to hold more cash and invest in one or two funds. 3) He has a very good DB pension scheme he can access in 18 months. I have a DC scheme which whilst well funded, will pay a much smaller pension. 4) He’s likely to inherit well from his parents, I won’t.

This means jointly, we have a good mix of cash, passive and active investments but I want to manage my own money in line with my own risk profile. My cash is also ear marked for paying off the mortgage/school fees/uni costs if one of us loses our job. Of course we discuss what we have between us, but I don’t want him interfering with how I manage my money and I don’t opine on which shares he’s planning to buy/sell. It works for us and I’d want £30k back that I’d lent him too.

If the business booms will he be keeping all of the profit as ‘his’ money? If so then yea, you get the £30k back

Any savings you made or investments you've made during your marriage are half his when it comes to divorce. Guessing id expect it back to though.

In what way did I insinuate that my union is “superior”? I have certain beliefs about marriage (none of them particularly outlandish!) one of them is that finances should be joint. Another is that husbands and wives should be faithful - if I say that “I don’t see the point of getting married if you’re going to cheat on your partner” does that also mean I’m acting superior?!

I can only conclude that your perception is a reflection of your own insecurities.

Having seen my father screw my mother over financially, there is no way on God's earth I was going to pool my finances.

That said, dh and I are very much on the same page financially. If we can't afford it, we don't buy it.
We do have a joint business account but if he ever needs to take out of it, he asks me to transfer it out to him, as it's me who does the financial side of the business.

I can't imagine having a joint personal account, my dh really doesn't need to know how much my horse costs me a month 🙈🤣. I certainly wouldn't expect him to pay it if we had a joint account.

Similar story here @QuirkyHorse. My father left my mum and died 6 months later, leaving his share of the family home (held as tenants in common) to his mistress of 6 months. The fall out from that was huge and I vowed I’d keep control of my own money. Sure we may divorce and have to split assets, but whilst we’re still married, I’m keeping control of my money.

As soon as we got married (almost 40 years ago) we always had joint accounts. We never had his or her money. Big purchases are discussed but generally we don’t monitor each other’s spending.
A word of caution to those who keep finances separate when one of you dies the surviving spouse cannot access that money.
Each to their own but I find it strange to loan your husband or wife money.

If he doesnt pay it back, the OP is going to lose far more than £30k in lost compound interest over xx years.

She's being financially astute.

I do not think you are being unreasonable. If you had not been able or willing to lend him the money, his other option would have been to borrow it from a bank. He would have expected to repay that money with interest.
You formalised the loan, therefore it is perfectly reasonable to expect your agreement to be honoured.

Nope. Not in England and wales. All assets are matrimonial assets by law - they all have to be declared legally. See my earlier post around “fair settlement “…in some circumstances, where there are sufficient assets to support “fair settlement “
on both parties, they can be agreed to be retained . But pre nups, inheritance agreements etc are not legally binding …and may need to be divided even if by consent order you agreed between yourselvrs

The law on fair settlement first protects the state. No bc agreement will be be legally binding if one party walks with an inheritance and the other party is forced into reliance on benefits etc to top up income or looses out disproportionately

so many people don’t realise this. The 6 or so rules on Fair settlement overrule everything else

We share everything 100%. The only thing we have in writing is that what was mine coming into the marriage is mine at the end because I owned my flat and we used the proceeds of sale of that to buy our house, but everything we’ve made since is shared.

They’re married. All debts and assets are considered joint.

Yep, absolutely don’t get married if you do not want to share assets

but it isn’t just IHT tax benefits you get from marriage. You can utilise other tax allowances by moving savings into low/bovv bc wage spouse name, and still own it legally in event of divorce. You can get widows benefit ( not a lot I know)…you’ll inherit without a will (not recommended), you’ll be able to be nearest relative legally, ( with or without LPOA, again still best have) And a number of other legal rights that not marrying affords you none if

no such thing as common law spousal rights in England and wales.

horses for courses and all that

Those of you with everything joint, do you not have ISAs? They can’t be held in joint names so do you just miss out on the significant tax benefits?

Nope, the starting point is NOT 50:50

MNers always say this. It is wrong

starting point is “fair settlement”. Ending point is “fair settlement “. Legal definition of “fair settlement “ in marriage act 1975

if that can be achieved with 50:50, then great, courts like that ( and court is involved in dealing all financial settlements even where consent agreements”

but in many cases 50:50 won’t achieve “fair settlement”

people get confused: all assets are joint in marriage. But that’s not 50:50 share..in effect you each own 100% of all assets, as people whose spouse dies knows: and inheritance tax is structured for

I don’t think there’s anything wrong op with what you have said. None of us know what’s round the corner and you might need that money in an emergency.

Yes we share everything. That’s what being married means. Otherwise you’re just hoarding money away from someone who is the shared legal owner of said money.

But then I didn’t marry someone I don’t trust with money or our future.

If you receive an inheritance whilst married and it is solely in your name then it it’s yours only. If it’s kept in an account in only your name then it is yours only. It doesn’t automatically become joint when one of the couple receives it.
If you move the money to a joint account or put it with joint finances for living expenses or putting it into a house or work in both names in can turn into a shared asset.
In a divorce especially if the money has been combined it can be classed as a marital asset and split with all other finances but upon receiving it initially it is not automatically a joint asset.
Not all assets are joint by law as you say. The law distinguishes between matrimonial property and non-matrimonial property

Posters are missing the fact that the DH is self employed. As many ex wives will testify on here, it's easy to hide money/income and then have the children just enough that they are truly fucked over. How many blindsided threads are there on here?
@Doneworking if there is a properly written will, then it's easy to access the money. I've been widowed and executor of a few wills. Probate isn't difficult to do and if the estate is complex, then you can save money by having a solicitor do it.
@Soontobe60 not in England and it depends on how money/property was gained.
@OtterlyMad it isn't insecurities, it's the experience of knowing women who have been financially taken advantage of. Self employed/head of company, husbands, who are planning on leaving, usually because of a OW, sew things up very tightly. My sister-in-laws husband just stopped paying the tax, no-one could trace where the money had gone, it wasn't discovered until the divorce was finalised, but it meant a big bill for her. He'd also disappeared a few work vans. Luckily she'd overpaid the mortgage on another property she owned, so wasn't homeless and could take a mortgage break. People think that they'll have access to accounts etc, but everything can be frozen by the courts.