If your dad didnt bother with you, then showed up 20 years later asking for a kidney for his child - would you say yes?

A stranger asks me to donate an organ for their child. Hard no

No, not guilted. As I said, I would do simply to be a decent human being. Because it fits my values. That’s all.

As someone who has actually donated a kidney, and isn’t just speaking hypothetically, I asked the question about if I should keep my spare kidney in case my children needed it.

The answer was that unless you have genetic kidney disease in your family the chances of your children needing a kidney is tiny.

You’ll also need to be a good match, and healthy enough to donate.

The best way to make sure your child will get a kidney if they need one is for people to normalize donating to strangers.

But really almost no one genuinely considers the likelihood that their child will need a kidney enough to actually find out the best way they could ensure one is available for them, because people mostly aren’t actually put into that situation.

My team said people generally divide into those who can’t imagine donating a kidney and those who don’t understand why you would not donate a kidney.

There is some research into this, and it shows that those who altruistically donate have a larger right amygdala than the population generally, and feel more empathy (look up Abigail Hirschfeld).

I am also baffled by people who don’t think they should donate but I now realize we just think differently.

I'm someone who had a child in kidney failure where kidney donation was discussed with no history of kidney disease in the family. In the end, his kidneys recovered better than anyone ever expected after a period of time on continuous dialysis as well as medication.

What happened to him was rare but ''it's rare'' or ''the chances of your child needing a kidney is tiny'' isn't very comforting when it was very, very close to becoming a reality and having actually watched your child in kidney failure.

Similarly my nephew is one of those very rare cases. His parents have both been tested and neither is a suitable donor.

Several other people have stepped up to test to donate, including several members of our family.

As I said, the best way to make sure people who need kidneys get them is for it to become more normal for people to consider donating.

No.

My children can't receive donations from me (they have their father's blood type) and I still wouldn't do it. I have a minor phobia of surgery, any operation carries risks, my organs are not a pick 'n' mix for strangers, and I like having a spare kidney, so the only donation I'd consider is a swap where I donate for someone else's child and they donate for mine.

Anyone who says they would do it for someone who is essentially a stranger, but hasn't yet done it for a stranger, is just talking nonsense. Good on those who have. I think it's mad, but it's a very generous thing to have done.

Family is very different to a stranger.

In any case, after the experience with my son, my kidney is going nowhere just in case he does end up needing it in the future.

That sums it up nicely. Same here.

Of course!

But my family became much more open to donation as a result of me donating to a stranger. As a result my nephew has several potential donors who would not have considered it otherwise.

yeah I have been watching Easties and it is definitely a very different situation (as you have acknowledged!)

That said even in the case of Easties which is way better than the scenario you’re imagining I do feel they are emotionally manipulating the brother a bit.

Who is Denise to say she would do it for a brother she didn’t know if he came to her? She really doesn’t know what she would’ve done in that situation!

But in response to your OP it would be a definite no if an absent father came sniffing around asking for help.

Do you really think they would've refused if you had never donated your kidney to a stranger?

My son's experience opened me up to a lot of things I hadn't really considered before including donations (organ, blood/platelets, stem cell etc) and in the end, it was only blood and platelet transfusions that he actually ended up having. It also opened up conversations about it in the family.

Before I had children I volunteered for drug trials to advance scientific research, gave blood regularly and was up for all sorts of research tests. I was a volunteer at Leeds Dental hospital for different things and would have definitely donated bits of me to save other people.
Now every sacrifice or risk in this area would only be for my children. Now it is only about their wellbeing or my wellbeing to ensure I am around for their wellbeing. It's a completely fundamental shift in how I see this. I wouldn't even try and justify or explain my 'no' to anyone. It's just how it is now.

Well my kidneys are buggered so will need a transplant at some point
So mine would be useless 🤣
IF they was working well, i still wouldnt.

Anyone wanna give me a kidney instead 🤣

No I don’t think they’d have refused, but we all live in a different country to my nephew so no one was asking any of us. As it is, one of them has been tested and did not match, and the others are ready to volunteer if the next potential donor in line doesn’t work out.

I’m so glad your son is ok now.

Thanks.

I really hope a match can be found for your nephew and that everything goes well with the transplant.

Tho tech and know this has been mentioned

the dad didn’t contact you/them

it was his sister

they didn’t know each other

and not Denise’s fault they didn’t speak /see them

so a totally different scenario from
ee

I donated to my daughter in 2000... but the answer to your question is a big NO.

I’ve only got the one so I definitely need it!

No

Lots of kids out there right now needing a kidney.
Why are you waiting for someone to knock on your door? If you feel so strongly about "not letting a child suffer", then why are you not putting yourself out there now to see if you are match for anyone?

I'm kind of expecting this with my ex dh towards our now adult dd who he hasn't bothered with for exactly that amount of years. Not that he has had more kids apparently but i could imagine him asking for himself! Our dd is a sweetheart, so she would tie herself in guilty knots, but i think it would be a firm "close the door on your way out" moment...

They are not members of my family. I consider half-siblings and step siblings family ( unlike most Mumsnetters). But if someone in my community: work, friends, groups I belong to, or just a desperate family on Facebook who had no donor matches and I thought I would likely be one, yes, I would. As I would want someone to help my children stay alive if their father and I weren’t matches. My brother received a donor’s heart valve. I am designated as an organ donor as well on my driver’s license. People who want to punish a father by letting a child die are despicable. The very least someone could do is get tested to see if they’re a match. If not, oh well. If they are, it’s time to decide what they and their conscience can live with. There are a lot of really cold, empathy challenged, people who care nothing for anyone but themselves on Mumsnet. Angry and self-righteous about it too.

You do realise that there is a huge difference between being a living donor, and donating something after you have died.
Having an organ removed is not a small operation to be taken lightly.