Discovered messages between DP and someone else

To add:

I’ve read the second exchange now and it’s worse from him. I would be devastated and fuming over this. LTB territory.

I wouldn't be impressed to read these messages from my DP
But, it does look more like she's pushing it than him, yes he's responding rather than shutting it down but his responses are pretty crude rather than flirty and he doesn't seem to be encouraging her.
I think you're doing the right thing both in screenshots and in leaving it until he gets back.
Hopefully he's contrite, if so then he doesn't get a LTB from me

He's absolutely encouraging her! What are you reading??

It sounds very crude and full on, from both of them and especially her. It’s not a mild flirtation or a hint of something between them. I could personally not forgive that.

Did you read the 2nd one though?

There is some heavy flirting here, so it's clear they both fancy each other. I'm not convinced it's gone any further...at the moment. It may not go any further but there's a higher likelihood, if they work for the same company, than if they were random strangers who connected online.

At first it looked like she was pushing the boundaries and he was stupidly following but the second example is more him. Essentially as bad as one another.

You need to speak to him in person. He may have had no intention of taking the flirting beyond what it is. However, if he's flirting with another women, it says he's looking for attention elsewhere. Is that because he's unhappy in your relationship or because she's giving him a good ego boost and he's too weak to resist? None of which excuses his behaviour.

If you had to pull him up on it, perhaps it is in his nature a bit and he moderates it with you because you've made it clear you don't like it? Not a criticism, I don't like that stuff either, just a suggestion perhaps he is hiding that part of his personality?

Yes because the men are usually rubbish in bed

Tramp? Are you 85 years? If you are. we don't use those terms to describe women anymore.

Literally yes! Lots of over promising and under delivery in my experience

I didn’t say he wasn’t engaged in it. I said it was led by her (which it is), and that he should have shut it down.

This. A thousand times over.

I am so sorry you are going through this . It is cheating , it is (at least) the start of an emotional affair and they have taken it up a notch by being sexually explicit .

I agree with others that it doesn’t seem like it is advanced . Can you see if he has messaged her when he had been away with his friends ? As that is telling if , whilst he is away he is checking in / communicating with her when he should be contacting you .

It has crossed many lines . You have to be aware that he will try and minimise / gaslight you . He will say that it was just fun / escapism and that nothing ever happened . That may be the case , but he is certainly giving a very strong impression that he / she wanted something to happen . The intention / thoughts were there for both of them . They may never have taken it to the physical level - you don’t know .

It is different to porn , a celeb crush etc as he is interacting with a real person from his day to day life and there is the possibility at least that something could happen .

I know it is embarrassing / awkward but I think it would also help you if you are able to speak to / confide in someone in real life . Someone who can be on your side but not
immediately leap to LTB . It will take you out of your own head .

This is not necessarily relationship ending for you both , but could be . He has totally disrespected you and your relationship . Factors will include your own red lines , has he crossed them for you? How does he react when you confront him - is he genuinely remorseful / apologetic ? How can trust be re- built if you decide to give him another chance . Couples counselling should be considered if you are wanting to continue in the relationship .

Take care of yourself , this is an emotionally hard time for you to deal with .

But the second one is him leading. Encouraging her to say what features about him she likes

He doesn't want to shut it down. He's fully enjoying it.

Only you can decide if you can put this in a box and trust him again. Because he is going to say all the right things, and then he will never leave himself logged in again, and he'll probably become more attached to his phone.

When you talk to him about it, look for him to be pro active in making this right - showing you messages, not deleting stuff, sending her a definitive shutting down message, not working directly with her etc. You shouldn't have to ask him to do any of this.

This would be the end of the relationship for me.

He's spending time and sexual energy on a woman that isn't you. It's unforgivable. Would you do this with another man? Of course not. And how would he feel if you did? I bet he'd be outraged. I'd ruin his lads weekend by sending him screenshots and telling him it's over. I would also message her and tell her that you are forwarding screenshots to her DH. See how that goes down on her girls night. She will be drunk and fly into a panic. Good.

When people indulge in this type of grim
behaviour , I do wonder how they would feel if the same thing was done to them
How would OP’s dh feel if she was talking about a male colleagues ‘ man juice’ or something ?
You can bet that her dh would go ballistic , yet he thinks it’s ok to be doing this nonsense with another man’s wife .

@Helhel8
Tried to PM you but couldn't for some reason.

There are people at my work who would talk to each other like this. Most of it is inappropriate banter not genuine flirting. Some people just have higher thresholds for appropriateness!

Having said that, I do think this woman is definitely after your dp's attention. Initiating more sexual stuff. Interesting that she tried to talk her sex life but your dp didn't engage on that occasion.

From this snippet you have given us, I would think your dp is flattered by the attention and finds it something to liven up his work day. Unfortunately he has gone too far and it is really upsetting for you to read.
Everyone would react differently, but if you feel the relationship is usually really good, I would talk to him about it when he is home. Yes I agree he may respond as others have said. However, if he is ashamed when these words are staring at him in the cold light of day, then hopefully you have a future. If you want one.

Sorry but with those kind of comments I would say that they're already involved with each other/fooling around and possibly had sex already.

I would waste no time writing a reply of my own along the lines of, "Your belongings are in the front garden, can one of you pick them up within the next hour before I set fire to them"
Who gives a shit if you were snooping, though you weren't. If they aren't already shagging they will be.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man who behaved like this, so I'd have a bag packed for myself and I'd be gone for at least couple of days when he arrived home tomorrow. I wouldn't need to talk with him about it, I'd message him on his way home and say, "I've become aware of your inappropriate behaviour with Rachel. I'm not interested in being in a relationship with someone who thinks that kind of thing is OK so I've gone to stay with my sister for a bit." Then I'd mute and ignore any messages from him to give myself some space. Also, cheaters are motivated by LOSS so if you can get him to realise that you take this seriously then he's more likely to end it with her and start respecting you again - and then it's up to you whether you actually still want to be with him.

Consider what you want get out of confronting him. Do you want an apology from him, a justification, to move on, to end the relationship? If the relationship has any chance of surviving I think it needs a total reset. You need to build a new relationship after he's had individual therapy to explore why he thinks it OK to disrespect you like this, he needs to move jobs, he needs to show you that he actually does value and respect you (when forced to do so). I'd still not want to be with him if he couldn't do that off his own bat, but you might choose differently and that's your choice. What I absolutely wouldn't do is continue with him in the relationship now, that's a recipe for continued disrespect from him.

Yes and I followed up my response. And?

Nah, "I've never had any complaints" in this context means from other women. (Not defending the guy btw completely inappropriate at the very least