Have I failed financially? What is the norm?

I'm luckier than you and living comfortably at the moment. Can cope with small unexpected house repairs etc but not having expensive holidays every year. My adult DC have not had help with house deposits and for meals out etc sometimes I pay but not always.

Third that your told life's a bytach but it turns out whst they meant was your Life's BYTACH.

I think I fall into the weird middle bit where we aren’t eligible for any benefits
I thought you said you got UC top up? Or was that someone else.

If you’re fretting over £1, I’d say you’re sugar coating your situation in the op. You say you ‘don’t go without’ yet you worry about £1… those two things are quite different to me.
I also was a bit struck by you saying you’ve been ‘plodding along’ - I would say most people I know actively try to strive for more income and don’t plod along. I might have misinterpreted your choice of words

I earn less than my 21 year old and have significantly more outgoings so we go 50:50 mostly when we go out together (I did borrow £800 from her last month though to pay my CC)

Your adult children are putting unrealistic expectations on you to pay for them when you meet up every time. That should be a treat not the norm. However I can't say I understand the £1 scenario. Gutted? Should be at a point in life where I can do that? And you can afford it ? Confusing

people get child benefit at that age and maybe univerzal credit etc and my 20 odd year old men , eat a lot more than at 16/17 plus have partners stay etc so its a very different cost. and due to my husband leaving and being on one wage mine pay keep so I can contine to put a roof over their heads, some people do not understand actually living on the bredline

I would make clear to your adult DC that you love seeing them but you can’t always afford to treat them. You can either split the bill or meet at each others houses.

Mine do too. Loads more! I just can't compute your comment @theneighboureatmysalad. For starters you lose child benefit and a single parent will start having to pay council tax for them. It's one thing to be well off enough that you don't regard these as significant changes for you personally, but it's another to have such little insight that they might be significant changes in circumstance to others.

OP they might just be expecting you to pay because they have grown up with you doing so, because you're the adult. It might not be because it's a norm they see elsewhere, just that it's easy for them to slip into 'child mode' around you. Please redraw the boundaries if you need to. I think you're feeling it particularly keenly because you have a little one still at home as well as the older ones, so you have the expenses of both stages at once. Usually people might be paying out for childcare or driving lessons, but both at once is less common, or they might be paying out for daily school dinners or the occasional adult lunch out, but not both.

I don't know about you but I think my 19 year old would feel a bit patronised if I surprised her by handing back thousands of pounds in board money I'd asked for, but not actually needed. Your adult kids will be fine understanding that their contribution is meaningful.

It sounds like you probably need to go out less - when you go out there is expense no matter what way you look at it and this clearly puts you under pressure.

Do you need to go out as much as you do

Might be worth doing a benefits check up though. However as owner occupier without housing costs in a UC assessment may not be entitled. You do however have a disabled son. I’m assuming you are his carer too. Do you get DLA/PIP for him. So worth a claim.

Apart from the confusing comment about being upset your ds put £1 in a charity box, it doesn't sound like you are doing badly at all.
You say you have a roof over your head and put good food in front of your family.
As pps have said, there are people up and down the country either going hungry or (or and) having to use food banks, and people without stable housing.

You haven't said how old you are. When I had 10 yr olds, we watched every penny too - balancing our money, literally to the penny, every week. That was with two of us working. That was without having to have started again after divorce - obviously that is going to put you back financially. However, as the years pass, circumstances change, and we would now consider ourselves financially comfortable. Life can be like that - you hit the most high earning years of your life at a point when you are no longer paying out for childcare, and you might have paid your mortgage off, and every-time you spend money it is for 2 of you, not 4, 5, 6, or 7 - be that a holiday or a round of ice creams.
So yes, I am now in a position to treat my family to things I couldn't have afforded to do when I had 10 yr olds.

But I'm not really sure what you want to get from the thread.
Obviously there will always be people with different amounts of money from you. People with more and people with less. Some will earn fantastic amounts. Some will inherit. Some will be lucky enough to win big. Some will have just been lucky with investments, or the time they bought their property. Some will never earn more than minimum wage. Some will escape domestic abuse and leave with nothing. Some will never be able to work through disability or illness. Some will live where housing (renting or buying) is extortionate and others where it is far, far cheaper. Some will have 5 dc, others will have only been able to have one.

My husband's mum pays for meals out, and it is an absolute treat not to have to worry about our share of the bill - my mum doesn't do this. She potentially could, but is, and always has, been on a smaller budget where just going out is a potentially unjustifiable expense. I have never expected her to pay for anything.

I think as long as the expectations are clearly communicated then it is fine - talk to your kids and say what you wish you could do, and what you can actually manage to do.

Joseph Rowntree wrote a book on poverty over 100 years ago, and one of the big takeaways was that some families dipped into an out of poverty depending on their children (poverty with young kids, okay with kids earning a wage, poverty when kids left home (their wages gone). There has always been a group who have not been able to provide extra for their kids, and have been grateful for their kids providing for them where possible.

Youre not alone! I once gave £2.00 for a school outing that didnt happen. I asked for the £2.00 back and they refused saying it would go into the school fund. I told them it was my last £2.00 and I needed it for the weekend.
They behaved as if I were lying and still refused to repay it!
Prior to that I once baked a cake for school bake day. I asked if my youngsters could have a slice of said cake!
" Not without paying !" they replied.
We didnt stop around for the cake party after that to watch everyone guzzling down cake while mine went without.
I agree that mumsnet is full of opinionated non compassionate people.
And some kinder folk.
But it frequently seems to be just an expression of one upmanship which is why I wont be staying!

I get this. Ds1 is at uni and he has more money/better lifestyle than us with his student loan and part time job in the holidays.