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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Have I failed financially? What is the norm?

276 replies

Cantering87 · 06/08/2026 22:19

Can I ask if there is anyone in here that is in the same boat as me?

So, I read thread after thread where people ask questions about things like their adult children paying board and overwhelmingly the depends is to take it and save it for them. I think that’s wonderful but I often wonder if the demographic is very different to the people around me. Not many of my friends could afford to do that and none of us have made really poor life choices or anything, we’ve just been working and plodding away. We’ve done all the things we were told we should do like buying a home etc but with the cost of living there’s really not much left after the bills. I’m not out here in designer clothes or anything, I don’t do without but I certainly don’t treat myself very often, keep eating out at a minimum, no smoking, drinking or expensive hobbies.

Same with meeting up with your adult children. Everyone seems to be able to afford to always treat their kids to coffee and lunch but I simply can’t afford that every time I meet up with mine and I feel so guilty about it. They expect it and I don’t really know how to break that.

My children seem to also think this is the norm despite me not being wealthy.

Where am I going wrong? Is anyone else just getting by? Not broke but not able to be overly genius with money? My disabled son put £1 in a charity box yesterday without checking with me and I felt really gutted. Then I felt so guilty because it’s charity for goodness sake, I should be at a point in my life where I can do that.

OP posts:
Cantering87 · 06/08/2026 22:20

*generous not genius.
*disabled son is under 10.

OP posts:
Ilovemychocolate · 06/08/2026 22:21

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Roulett · 06/08/2026 22:22

That’s really sad about your son and the charity box. Do you have anyone supporting you or are you a lone parent

Dilemma999 · 06/08/2026 22:23

Well you haven’t said what your household income or expenditure is, why you can’t save etc so it’s difficult to say.

mummypigoink · 06/08/2026 22:24

A lot depends on circumstances. I earn an ok wage, but it’s just me and I keep a family sized house going on my wage so they have somewhere to come home to. As a result, I can’t afford to treat them and while I don’t charge board yet, the day is coming and it will be going towards my mortgage.

If I hadn’t got divorced or was living with a partner sharing the bills, then it would be a totally different situation. There would effectively be an entire spare wage to fund things. In which case I could treat them and save their board.

Strang3r · 06/08/2026 22:24

I am the same OP, but, I am a saver, and a tight person, could this be you? Do you save a lot?

Cantering87 · 06/08/2026 22:24

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My son has more disabilities than the charity he chucked it in! 😂 I don’t mean I can’t afford £1 but I think you’ve answered my original question. Thanks for calling my life depressing, appreciate it.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 06/08/2026 22:25

I have adult children. My mortgage is paid off so I have much lower cost of living than they do.

if you’ve got adult kids but still have other kids at home and are still paying your mortgage then you’ll have less spare.

not having a quid spare is pretty brutal though

NotAnotherScarf · 06/08/2026 22:28

I am comfortable financially now. But that's not always the case. Have you ever watched Derry Girls...one of their friends was going on about a trust fund and they had to be informed that not everyone has one. I think your older kids may be the same.... they need a dose of reality

Look if you've a roof over your head, water, food, heating, bills paid, little debt...then your winning financially. I know many people who present like their multi millionaires with flash cars (leased) big houses (mortgage to the hilt) who are one bad work month, one round of redundancy, one parent not dying in time (gods truth my bil and sil were hoping his parents would snuff it before they had to settle the interest only mortgage they had...she didn't) from losing the lot.

hahabahbag · 06/08/2026 22:28

I’m not short of money but generally my dd treats me as she earns 4 x what I earn (she’s doing very well but all her hard work )

Gallowayan · 06/08/2026 22:29

Millions of people are in the situation you are in. Living within your means is a sensible and responsible choice for you as a parent. Don't let anyone guilt you into spending beyond your means. Grown up kids can be thoughtless and entitled.

Cantering87 · 06/08/2026 22:29

mummypigoink · 06/08/2026 22:24

A lot depends on circumstances. I earn an ok wage, but it’s just me and I keep a family sized house going on my wage so they have somewhere to come home to. As a result, I can’t afford to treat them and while I don’t charge board yet, the day is coming and it will be going towards my mortgage.

If I hadn’t got divorced or was living with a partner sharing the bills, then it would be a totally different situation. There would effectively be an entire spare wage to fund things. In which case I could treat them and save their board.

Edited

This is similar to me. Breakdown in relationship so had to split everything and start again. So I own a home but there’s not much spare money at all. I work a job that used to be considered well paid and is well respected (or used to be) but honestly the cost of just existing is so high it’s just so hard. I am eating good food, there’s a roof over our heads but I can’t afford to be generous when I would like to be.

OP posts:
spritzwiththat · 06/08/2026 22:29

It all depends on what you earn, where you live, and what your financial commitments are. Without this context it’s impossible to comment.

I had a ‘friend’ who always bitched at me about how much harder she had it than me and envious of my holiday. Oh, she worked part time whereas as I work full time and more to have the ‘privileges’ she wanted.

Ilovemychocolate · 06/08/2026 22:30

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Cantering87 · 06/08/2026 22:31

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I didn’t say the word begrudge and you know it. I hope you feel good.

OP posts:
theneighboureatmysalad · 06/08/2026 22:32

Another way to look at it, parents had to manage when their children didn't earn, so they stick to the same "budget". Kids don't cost more at 21 than they cost at 16 or 17, bills are the same.

That's how it work for many, they are not wealthy specially, they just keep going the way they used to.

Ilovemychocolate · 06/08/2026 22:35

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JadoreLeFromage · 06/08/2026 22:38

I think it's particularly hard when you've divorced and had to start again. Your circumstances are what they are. Other people's circumstances are different.

We did get a lot of parental support. In-laws gave us a house deposit. My parents saved my "rent" and gave it back to me when planning our wedding. I am in a position (currently) when i can do this and more for my DC

We treat MIL when we go out always I would never expect her to pay, but with my parents either they pay or we pay or we split the bill there isnt a right or wrong. Just different circumstances

Cantering87 · 06/08/2026 22:38

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It’s not a perspective at all. I was asking for people to tell me whether it’s the norm to struggle financially to be generous. You were unkind, on purpose, you can roll that turd in glitter as many times as you like but it doesn’t change that fact.

OP posts:
Newmeagain · 06/08/2026 22:39

@Cantering87 I think a lot of people are in your position. Mumsnet is not very representative of the general population. I am fortunate to have a good job but I am always amazed at some of the posts. I now actively avoid anything to do with pensions, for example, because you get lots of people coming to post that they are retiring at 50 with £10 million. 😆

Cantering87 · 06/08/2026 22:39

theneighboureatmysalad · 06/08/2026 22:32

Another way to look at it, parents had to manage when their children didn't earn, so they stick to the same "budget". Kids don't cost more at 21 than they cost at 16 or 17, bills are the same.

That's how it work for many, they are not wealthy specially, they just keep going the way they used to.

Thank you. Mine do though 😂 a lot more actually.

OP posts:
Cantering87 · 06/08/2026 22:41

Newmeagain · 06/08/2026 22:39

@Cantering87 I think a lot of people are in your position. Mumsnet is not very representative of the general population. I am fortunate to have a good job but I am always amazed at some of the posts. I now actively avoid anything to do with pensions, for example, because you get lots of people coming to post that they are retiring at 50 with £10 million. 😆

Thank you…I was losing hope. I’m going to just kid myseld on tell myself that Mumsnet is likely to attract wealthy people and go to bed I think before I become more depressed.

OP posts:
BountifulPantry · 06/08/2026 22:43

people can be really helpful on the money board if you post your income and outgoings. People have some amazing suggestions for cutting back.

CurdinHenry · 06/08/2026 22:44

My parents could afford to buy me coffee or lunch but absolutely never offer(they will accept my offer to pay for them, though). It's not conscious actually it just wouldn't occur to them.

So your kids can do one!

Ilovemychocolate · 06/08/2026 22:45

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