Have I failed financially? What is the norm?

If you want a rough idea of your circumstance then go to the Institute of Fiscal Studies and put in your details. It’s not an exact science but it gives an indication.

https://ifs.org.uk/tools_and_resources/where_do_you_fit_in

There are also the guidelines published by The Child Poverty Action group. They have been around forever I remember using them for research when I was an undergraduate 35 years ago. It’s all about if you can participate in society.

My younger sister got in with the wrong crowd at school. Never have I seen someone orchestrate their own downfall at such a young age in such close proximity. It’s incredibly sad really. Her frustrations and jealousy which made her behaviour appalling mean she has been cut off by all of us since our Mother died. We were raised in a financially poor environment due to our Mother being widowed when my stepfather died but with a strong work ethic and our Mother pushing education. She literally threw away any chance she had. Others have awful luck fostered on them through no fault of their own.

These aren't "mistakes" or "poor life choices" or something, but being separated from your child's dad (I assume you are the sole adult in your household?) and having a disabled child are both things that make your situation a bit tighter than others, so just keep that in mind when comparing.

I had a serious relationship breakdown before my current one (no kids but shared assets) and it was a huge setback in hindsight having to start over after all was divided up.

It will depend a lot on how many children you have. The average in the UK is less than 2.

People with more than that are likely to struggle unless high earners.

Why be so nasty? What is the point of this post other than to be horrid.

Well if you had to start again then it makes sense that you are struggling.

The people who can afford to treat their kids str the people who have not divorced or who have had an inheritance.

this

Omg!!!
I am answering the OPs question!

Agree about divorcing. Have three friends that have divorced over the last couple of years, all in their fifties. I had no idea how much getting divorced could cost especially if there are assets or disagreements. One paid 20k for her divorce, another 10k, one isn’t finalised yet.

Thanks!

I think SKY News quoted a survey this evening saying 2 out of 5 young children were not being properly fed - caused by poverty..

@Cantering87 I completely understand where you are coming from
I became a lone parent when DC were 4 and 5, due to my many health conditions and disabilities was also unable to work FT, I’ve had 3 failed relationships since I was 23 that had involved me buying out their share in a property and am now past 60 and still paying over £1k per month mortgage
I help my adult DC where I can, and wish I could do more but DS who still lives at home pays a reasonable amount of board and I need it to pay the bills
I help DP (not living together) out financially as he’s had a very tough time for the last year
DM is nearly 90 with dementia and helping her is not without costs either
I feel stuck in the middle and despite to outsiders having a good salary - have to watch every penny, to survive now and have some hope of retiring at 75

How bloody condescending and down right rude !!!

' Everyone seems to be able to afford to always treat their kids to coffee and lunch
but I simply can’t afford that every time I meet up with mine and I feel so guilty about it.
They expect it and I don’t really know how to break that.'

So are you paying for your adult children's coffee / lunches every time you meet up ?
If so, is that why you think they expect it ?

Do they ever / never offer to pay for yours ?

Could you not have them at your home for lunch - surely that is cheaper / more affordable ?

Being ' gutted ' about £1 for charity is sad,

how did your child get hold of that pound, did he got into your purse for it ? did he ask you to give over the pound ? or was it from his own pocket and was from his pocket money ?

I also read it as you were gutted he put the money in the box as you couldn’t spare it. If you can afford the £1 then can you explain why you felt gutted then?

That might help unpick a few of the issues you have going on in the OP.

I sometimes have to get a loan off the kids but I pay them
back, if we all go out for eg a takeaway sometimes I’ll say we can get it if everyone puts a fiver in, same with cinema.

dh grew up poor, good earner but we’re having difficulties so I’m trying to be as self sufficient as possible plus because he grew up poor he sees anything outside of necessities as, well not necessary!!

It’s a pity The charity thing got to you op, I think you’re doing fine x

Not having much money doesn't mean you've failed financially, unless you once had it and squandered it.
The majority of people don't have the background, the circumstances and the breaks to be well off. Particularly in todays world. Millions of working people raising families do just get by and plod on. Add extra challenges like a disabled child or a relationship breakdown or a high cost area into the mix, and if you're managing to feed and house yourself and pay you're way, you obviously doing the best you can with what you've got, so are succeeding in your personal circumstances.
You're a mum who can't afford to keep grown working adults. You're a mum who's raised a disabled child who wants to give to others. You haven't failed.

But parents may have been receiving a good few hundred in benefits for a 16 year old in education that they don't for a 21 year old

And if they rent they'd get less help towards it when kids are grown u

A lot of the older people in my life didn't feel more comfortable until they retired/paid off their mortgage.

I'm sure by mumsnet standards they still wouldn't be considered wealthy, no big savings pots or thousands in pension, just paying all bills more comfortably with maybe a few hundred left for a mooch around the shops.

I've never seen examples of parents paying house deposits, cars etc. My MIL very kindly pays for some holidays for family, a couple of times a year she will book the likes of centre parcs and pay for the cabin but she could only do that after her mortgage was paid off.

I am a lot more interested in money and building wealth so do expect to have more when I am older but I don't see this in many people my age (40). Most people are running out of money towards the end of the month so I think you sound pretty normal to me.