AIBU to be irritated that my husband treats me like the default parent and bank?

I can't imagine there are many women who in this situation wouldn't be making a much more significant contribution to childcare and running the home though?

I would not stay married to a man who ran up massive debts with family money. Let alone allow them use of my credit card.

That's a good idea. My friends DH took out a second maximum mortgage on their house he forged her signature on everything, blew it then went to relatives on both sides. Don't tell @Letstalk3llo but I need 35k . Was awful for her when she found out everything was gone and she owed her and his relatives relatives.

All the money went to his secret girlfriend who bought property in her name BTL which her son ran. DH and the woman swanned off to the canary islands out of reach and started a business there.

Has he got a solid gold cock?

Every time I think "Well nothing will shock me now" up pops this thread and I'm reeling again.

If he has, he paid for it on her credit card.

To which the answer has to be: NO.

You are massively propping him up. I would work in my car or a coffee shop rather than hang around the house with this dude.

My husband is SAHP, I have a big job and he would never behave like this chancer.

So his money is his and so is yours? Stop being a mug. Re-read what a pp said-destroy your physical card, just have it on your phone. Hide your car keys on your person-no, he’ll have to take his car. It needs fuel. And no, you’re not paying for his mate’s kid’s birthday when he pays fuck all toward his own kids!

Stop being a mug. If you’re wfh, no you can’t look after the kids while he swans off out. What would you tell a mate who was telling you this?!

“No Brian, I can’t afford it. You’ll have to pay for it yourself.”

Quickly followed by, “Brian, we need to talk. You’re always using my money. What are you doing with your own money?”

and possibly,
”Brian, you’re taking advantage of me and then calling me controlling when I say we can’t afford your frivolous habits. You don’t even pull your weight domestically- you swan off and leave me working AND on kid duty. I’d be better off if we split up. You need to shape up or ship out.”

Who pays off the credit card?

Why doesn’t he contribute anything to household finances?

Can you afford everything on your own?

Why is he going out for lunch when he’s responsible for the children?

Christ alive the ick of this man. OP you must see he has zero respect for you, your time or your money?

Forst thing is to stop giving him the credit card. Second thing is not let him take your car! Third thing is find a co-working space to go to during the holiday so you’re not available. And fourthly genuinely consider if this is a life you want to live, you’re talking about him like he’s another child not a full grown adult with children. Get rid and I bet your life will be infinitely better!

Hear, hear. What on Earth is the point of him?

The phrasing is so telling…..

He is not borrowing your card. What he’s actually saying is I’ve not budgeted for an expense that’s my responsibility because I’ve spent my money elsewhere on myself so I want you to spend your money so I look good in front of my mates.

What a lovely life he has.

You are not just the default parent to your children but a default parent to him in the sense he’s acting like a teenager whose spent their pocket money and wants a top up and expects you to facilitate his social life at your time, expense and effort.

I’d be more than resentful, I’d be seriously considering ending the relationship.

Why does he only work part time when it’s clear it’s not for anyone’s benefit but his own when he’s swanning off and your left WFH with the children?

He sounds very selfish, immature and and frankly undesirable - ick factor 10/10.

“No! That doesn’t work for me.”

What a Prince.

If he ran up huge debts why in god’s name are you allowing him access to your credit card ? Is the debt he ran up responsible for him being unable to get credit of his own ? He sounds so utterly irresponsible in every area as to be a cocklodger. Stop enabling it, and at the very least set your boundaries. If he’s not prepared to respect and abide by them then divorce is the best answer.

I'd say major embezzlement. He isn't going to change and will resent you 'limiting' him. He needs to go

I bet he doesn't even need to buy a birthday present.

Block your cards on your banking app and only unfreeze when you need to use them.

I think:

1. If he is at home not working whilst you are WFH then leaving the kids with you and going out alone is beyond the pale (other than something like e.g.: a 10 min errand to the corner shop/important phone call to the bank while you are all eating lunch together, if necessary).
2. Borrowing the car I'm on the fence about - if he wants yours simply because his has run out of petrol and he hasn't been organised enough to refill it, then he is being unreasonable. If he needs yours for a specific task his can't do/he can't actually afford to keep his car filled up all the time on the money he has access to, then YABU. Presumably despite being "mine" and "yours" both cars are technically intended as shared household assets, so driving both isn't actually an imposition onto your territory in and of itself.
3. Spending on your credit card - this totally depends on what he is buying. If he is spending the majority of his money on frivolous things for himself (and you said he has a track record of this) then you don't need to lend the card to him and he'll just need to wait for a week until he is paid again if there is food in the house (though you might need to take his car to the petrol station....). If he is actually spending most of his lower wage on household expenses (including a moderate but lifestyle-appropriate amount on personal care and leisure)/kids expenses and leisure/petrol/bills etc then YABU as he doesn't have enough access to household money, which can be considered financial abuse.

I would have asked him why that involves your card if he needs to buy a present!
Why does he only work part time if he can’t cover anything other than his socialising?

I hope your morning started with "no"

I’ve tried raising this, but I’m made to feel unreasonable or overly controlling

Are you honestly surprised? People treat us how we allow them to. You have allowed him to act like a child, why would he stop?

Why do some women allow for this sort of behaviour.

Brilliant!🤣

Tell him to fuck off and do not ever allow him access to your cards again.

Unless I'm missing something here this man does the school runs and that is it? He doesn't contribute to the household in any other way - financially, practically or emotionally?

I'm not a fan of "LTB" as a rule but this man is obscene. I'd pack his bags and send him to find another meal ticket.

Honestly this is outrageous!

I saw you said earlier that he asks for your card because he runs out of money before the month is out. Today is the 7th. Has he spent up already?

Does he pay you back for whatever he buys with your card?

What happens if you run out of money before the end of the month? Or are you expected to budget like an adult while he does as he pleases?

You say he contributes time. Let's be real. He contributes time when he feels like it.

You know what needs to happen.

A live in nanny would probably cost you less and do more with the children

Hmm…….i think you’ve miscounted OP……I reckon you’ve got FOUR kids! DH is behaving like a petulant teenager.

You know perfectly well that it’s not fair. He’s a lazy arse and frankly taking the piss.

Time for some hard putting down of your feet! Just for a start, unless he starts pulling his weight, no more use of your car or credit cards!