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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be irritated that my husband treats me like the default parent and bank?

268 replies

Letstalk3llo · 06/08/2026 22:06

AIBU to be irritated that my husband treats me like the default parent and bank?
I’m a mum of three and work full time. I’m also the main breadwinner in our household. My husband works part time, and his holidays usually coincide with the children’s school holidays.
Despite this, I’m still expected to supervise the children during my working day whenever he wants to make plans. For example, he’ll go out for lunch with friends while I’m working, leaving me to juggle childcare and work.
There are other things that are beginning to really irritate me. He often takes my credit card to buy things and then reluctantly gives it back when I ask. He also regularly takes my car, leaving me with his car—which often has little or no fuel in it.
I feel as though my time, money and belongings are simply assumed to be available to him, while he still gets the freedom to do what he wants. I’m exhausted and increasingly resentful.
I’ve tried raising this, but I’m made to feel unreasonable or overly controlling. I don’t mind supporting my family, but I do expect a fair division of childcare, consideration around shared resources and basic respect for my boundaries.
AIBU to be highly irritated, or is this completely fair behaviour?

OP posts:
Ilovemyfam · 07/08/2026 10:34

Sharptonguedwoman · 07/08/2026 10:12

Just a short term step towards a cut off in the future.

Absolutely.

Moonnstarz · 07/08/2026 10:37

Letstalk3llo · 07/08/2026 09:30

And the morning starts with…
”need to buy my mates son a birthday present, can I borrow your card?”

Well this is where you say no, if you have spent your money then you can't buy anything.

You still haven't clarified what he pays towards your household and children. If he is worried about buying his mates kids presents I would be telling him to think about his own family and contributing to that!

Dancingintherain09 · 07/08/2026 10:40

Letstalk3llo · 07/08/2026 09:30

And the morning starts with…
”need to buy my mates son a birthday present, can I borrow your card?”

Tell him you've cut up card to remove the option of debr as you are working toward a debt free lifestyle .
If it stops arguments actually do that. I would never use my DH credit card and he he woukd never use mine.
He uses his military pension to pay bills his earning (he works part time) are his, my earnings pay for food, tv subs and lunches our for both of us. I also pay for the main yearly holiday.

littlebowpeepscrook · 07/08/2026 10:45

ChocolateCinderToffee · 07/08/2026 10:32

I hope you said no! He doesn't need to buy his friend's son a birthday present: I would assume he's spending the money on himself.

Also, it's the first week of the month. When does he get paid? Please tell me he hasn't run out of money at the end of the first week.

Edited

😮

Ovoemconserva · 07/08/2026 10:52

Is he the world's best shag? Seriously! What are you doing with him?

DozyCrow · 07/08/2026 10:54

Why keep giving him your card. If there's something essential he needs, and you agree to cover it, then do a quick transfer to him on your banking app. Stop giving him free access. Hide your car keys too and learn to say no if he asks to use yours.

If he's not prepared to step up, get a full time job, or properly cover childcare (if he stays PT), then time to re-evaluate the relationship. Currently he's a cocklodger and, sadly, you're enabling it.

SunnyRedSnail · 07/08/2026 10:56

Letstalk3llo · 07/08/2026 09:30

And the morning starts with…
”need to buy my mates son a birthday present, can I borrow your card?”

The answer is NO!!

If you let him have the card you are enabling his lack of financial ability.

Why can't he work more?

devildeepbluesea · 07/08/2026 11:02

Fuck me, the things I read on here. Stop being such a doormat!! He contributes the square root of fuck all to your family life. If I were you his arse would be out the door so quickly I'd not have time to kick it.

EtsyKetsy · 07/08/2026 11:03

this reminds me of my ex husband. When they run up one debt they always run up others. Is it still possible to get a credit check on your own address to see if there are other debts that he owes?

Paganpentacle · 07/08/2026 11:05

YouMightLikeIt · 07/08/2026 00:39

As a woman it's not a man part-time working that bothers me at all.

It's taking the OP's car, credit card, and leaving the kids basically unattended while he pops off to socialise while mum is working. That is a massive issue.

Yes.
I've been happy for my husband to either work PT or not at all... the difference is he really pulls his weight- DIY, chores, childcare ( when they were young)
Nobody needs dead weight regardless of sex.

PollyBell · 07/08/2026 11:07

Paganpentacle · 07/08/2026 11:05

Yes.
I've been happy for my husband to either work PT or not at all... the difference is he really pulls his weight- DIY, chores, childcare ( when they were young)
Nobody needs dead weight regardless of sex.

Agreed but how many men are treated as a bank

anchoviesanchovies · 07/08/2026 11:08

VoltaireMittyDream · 07/08/2026 01:07

God I wish I had half the confidence and shameless audacity of the husbands of Mumsnet.

Cut him off, OP. You sound great. I’ll come live with you and work part-time and do school runs. I’ll even do dishes and housework and admin, and plan holidays and book theatre tickets and babysitters! I’ll ask you about your day and be genuinely interested in your office politics and remember your birthday and buy you flowers and take you out to dinner. We can just outsource the sexy stuff. I’m increasingly convinced this is the way forward.

This, a million times over!

pinkyredrose · 07/08/2026 11:10

Letstalk3llo · 07/08/2026 09:30

And the morning starts with…
”need to buy my mates son a birthday present, can I borrow your card?”

Say no. Does he pay you back the money he spends?

ChocolateCinderToffee · 07/08/2026 11:14

PollyBell · 07/08/2026 11:07

Agreed but how many men are treated as a bank

Oh, cut out the whataboutery! That is not the OP's problem.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 07/08/2026 11:14

PollyBell · 07/08/2026 11:07

Agreed but how many men are treated as a bank

I don't know, how many men are treated like a bank?

Can you explain what you mean by that?

AmandaHoldensLips · 07/08/2026 11:18

Fucking hell. That's just not good enough. Not by a long chalk.

Watermelongum · 07/08/2026 11:18

Letstalk3llo · 07/08/2026 09:30

And the morning starts with…
”need to buy my mates son a birthday present, can I borrow your card?”

Well I hope you said no and meant it. You have to start somewhere and this sounds the perfect opportunity. He's a fourth child not a husband or partner. You'd be better off in every sense, without him.

Tablesandchairs23 · 07/08/2026 11:20

Hes a lazy work shy cock lodger. Why are you still married to him.

lechatnoir · 07/08/2026 11:24

I’m really confused as to why your husband isn’t contributing As a fully functional adult as you haven’t mentioned any illness or disability. Surely you either contribute financially (and I don’t mean just pay for your own ) or take on the home & childcare and yet he doesn’t seem to be doing much of either.

Honestly OP, he is bringing nothing to your life and I’m surprised you’ve got any respect left for him plus this is not modelling positive relationships to your DD. Time for him to shape up or ship out!

Nearly50omg · 07/08/2026 11:24

Letstalk3llo · 07/08/2026 09:30

And the morning starts with…
”need to buy my mates son a birthday present, can I borrow your card?”

NO you can’t but he’s £1 coin or ask the kids to borrow £1!!

gamerchick · 07/08/2026 11:29

Letstalk3llo · 07/08/2026 09:30

And the morning starts with…
”need to buy my mates son a birthday present, can I borrow your card?”

And what did you say?

Paganpentacle · 07/08/2026 11:41

PollyBell · 07/08/2026 11:07

Agreed but how many men are treated as a bank

No idea.
That very much depends on division of labour.

Glidinglikeaswan · 07/08/2026 11:42

Letstalk3llo · 06/08/2026 22:41

Usually spends up before the month is out then takes my cc. I don’t want to be controlling, I want him to have independence so allow him to take the cc occasionally but then refuses to hand back. Usually after 5/6 requests he’ll hand it over.

But using money he hasn't earned is not independence. You are treating him like your fourth child.

It sounds like he contributes zero to the household costs and does not make up for that in running the house and providing childcare.

lessglittermoremud · 07/08/2026 11:42

I would stop handing over the credit card and keep your keys with you….
His wages are used for self care, his contribution is time and he ran up huge debts….?!
You’d be better off with a Nanny…
Sorry but he sounds awful, I work part time so that someone is around to do school runs, childcare,life admin, cleaning etc because my DH earns far more than me.
I don’t ask for his credit card, I use money in our joint account wisely, I use my own car, manage my own wages as well as family finances etc
Can I come and live with you instead?! It sounds like a lovely arrangement he’s got, I’ll pull my weight more then he is and still have more of a rest!

Glidinglikeaswan · 07/08/2026 11:44

Namechangetheyarewatching · 07/08/2026 09:32

And my answer would be "No you piss taking cunt"

The push back starts here: "No"