AIBU to be irritated that my husband treats me like the default parent and bank?

And you of course said no?

No. I need to buy the children food clothes and shoes. None of which you contribute to.

I absolutely could see myself living out my years with a likeminded, non romantic female companion.

Questions. Why is he only working part time? Can he go full time? And when he ran up debt before - how much and did HE pay it off, or did you?

The fact he steals your credit card and car is such a red flag OP. He hasn't changed and clearly struggles to live within his means, hence relying on your money & car.

Is there a way to check if he hasn't run up any additional debt that he has hidden from you? I'd be most concerned about that.

For now, you need to get yourself out of the house so that he has to do more childcare. This also means your car isn't sat on the driveway, so he can,'t ve tempted to borrow it.

Hide your cards so he can't steal them.

Consult with a solicitor in case things don't improve.

@Letstalk3llo Did he buy you a birthday gift?
I am guessing not.
Unlikely he needs to buy one for his friends child.

When kids who have not learned to control their spending want access to a card people give them a pre-paid monitored one.
If you are not going to dump this leech then maybe consider that!

This is such a disingenuous way to put it. He isn't offering to pay ti back, is he? The real question is "can you buy my friends son a present"

What would he say if you suggested a shakeup of finances whereby you both contribute a proportional amount to bills/savings, relative to your incomes, then each got an equal amount of fun money to spend on things like lunches out, birthday gifts and fuel, and just have to make it last?

I can't see how that wouldn't be reasonable, nor how it would be controlling.

This is ridiculous, how much does he actually earn? If he’s only covering his socialising, haircuts, clothes etc (while you pay all household expenses) then he should absolutely have enough for this kind of thing and it should fall under his personal expenses and he should learn to budget his money better. Say no to the credit card every time.

Presumably when you both agreed on the arrangement that he’d go part time and you’d take on the responsibility of working full time to cover all the household finances, it was also agreed that the trade off for him would be doing all the childcare/pick ups so that you were not having to juggle this with work as well.

Absolutely put your foot down and tell him in no uncertain terms that wfh means working and he cannot go out when you’re working and the kids are around/need picking up. If this is not agreed on then he’ll have to go back to work ft and you’ll both equally share the childcare arrangements.

Please tell me your answer was no.

He is basically stealing from you.

There's nothing independent about him using your credit card.

Someone can only continually treat you like a mug if you let them!

I cannot believe you are putting up with this. He’s a complete joke.

His existence in your life sounds utterly pointless. Actually, it sounds draining. He uses your money and credit card, takes your car, leaves you with his car without fuel in it, only works part-time, leaves childcare to you so he can swan off to lunch with friends, and he probably does nothing around the house (although, you didn't say he doesn't). Honestly, a sofa serves a lot more purpose than your husband does. I couldn't tolerate such a drain of a man in my life. He doesn't respect you (as he selfishly takes your car when his own car runs out of fuel, leaving you with the responsibility of filling his car up - and not caring how that might affect your time and plans), and he's taking you for granted (just taking, taking, taking from you without asking, and without showing gratitude).

There have been so many threads like this lately and it is so depressing. The thread recently had the husband taking the car which belonged to his wife and who was paid for by her. The bar is deep into hell for men.

What do you mean by time OP? Marriage or relationships are supposed to be a partnership. If your husband isn’t working but also isn’t looking after the children then honestly what’s the point? He gets to use his money on self care and socialising whilst you pay all bills and he doesn’t actually do childcare unless made to with great resentment on his part. Honestly Op what’s the point?

Same. The older I get the more I feel like this would be the best of all worlds.

you reply No, I’ve decided never to lend my card or my car again.

Why the hell does he need to buy presents for his friend's son?

If he wanted to do that, he should have budgeted for it. I hope the answer was no?

I’m still expected to supervise the children during my working day whenever he wants to make plans.

Does he want to kill the goose that lays his golden eggs? Most work at home jobs want you working, not doing childcare at the same time. It's very distracting and you could lose your job that supports him and your kids.

Did you clear his huge debts?

He's a grifter taking you for a ride on your dime and you're letting him.

No, but it almost certainly breaches the contract with the card provider who may withdraw the card.

There's a thought, OP, tell your husband that the card has been withdrawn due to unauthorised use so he'll have to manage his finances better in future.

Rent a co-working space. Get rid of the credit card.

One of the best responses I’ve ever heard was …. “This date was not a surprise .. you knew it was coming and didn’t prepare now want me to treat is as urgent “

For the most part men cannot tolerate being out earned by a female partner. The usual (and often knee jerk) response is to try to subordinate and sabotage her.
This is what he's doing to you, just get rid of him.
Don't give him any warning, make a solid plan and blindside him.

Are they his children OP? It sounds like he thinks he's free to come and go as he pleases rather than having a role as a parent.

He needs to realise that you aren't his personal ATM and he needs to learn to budget. Whether it's fair that he has a set amount allocated for spending each month depends on relative income / work / free time but he shouldn't be overspending and expecting you to bail him out.

@Letstalk3llo can you find somewhere where you can co work. I know a few people who go into a specifically ran place for remote workers etc. I would do that so I’m not in the house. Does he actually contribute to household expenses/mortgage or rent payments. Wasn’t too clear. If he can’t afford his lifestyle when working part time then he probably should review what he’s doing

The word cocklodger immediately sprang to mind when reading this. You would be a lot better off financially and emotionally without him.