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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am a bad sister in law

56 replies

TrueCrimeFanatic · 06/08/2026 10:39

so, first of all I’m expecting a slating but honestly I’m feeling exasperated right now.

heres the story. My DH is one of 6 siblings, all now aged 60-72. The 2 youngest live in the family home ( which was all their parents home) and the other 4 are all married with adult children and GC.

The youngest (let’s call her K) was always coddled by her parents and never had to do much for herself. She now has a lot of health problems, including kidney disease, depression, osteoarthritis and osteoporosis. She walks with the aid of a ‘trolley’ type thing.

she never goes anywhere, rarely sees anyone (other than her brother who she lives with…they don’t get on)

Her siblings rarely sees her because she’s downright cantankerous, never stops talking and expects everyone to do everything for her when they do see her. She doesn’t drive so if she’s invited to their houses they all have to do round trips for her but she rarely stays with them more than 2 days.

apart from us all her other siblings live within about an hour of her.

However, me and DH live 8 hours away. My DH insists on inviting her every years because ‘she’s lonely’ she will get the coach to us. Her brother drops her at coach station, sees her on coach then my DH picks her up at this end and vice versa.

So she arrived on Sunday gone, it’s been hell for me. She doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. She talks non stop, will sharp tell me if the meal I’m making doesn’t suit her. Moans about anyone and everyone. Every conversation is turned back to her. She barely moves a muscle and we run around after her like blue arsed flies.

i liken the days like being in jail and have even been making excuses to pop out for an hour just to get some breathing space.

I don’t drink much but I’ve had to have a drink every night this week to cope.

Anyway DH was getting up early this morning to take her to coach station. When he came downstairs I could hear a commotion. She was crying in pain…I went down. She said her back was in spasms and she couldn’t move. DH called ambulance, I got her back pain killers.

by the time ambulance arrived she seemed a bit better but they have taken her to hospital to get checked out. As of right now they are waiting for an X-ray.

Im guessing there is no way she is going home today or even possibly tomorrow.

the thing is I don’t feel guilty, I feel tired and fed up and want her to go home. It’s been a hellish week whilst she’s here and I want my life and home back.

is there anyone who can please understand or am I just a dreadful person?

OP posts:
Poppingby · 06/08/2026 10:45

I think it's ABSOLUTELY NORMAL to feel like this. I would spend the time she is in hospital enjoying yourself as much as possible. I also at the same time think you're going to have to buckle up to a certain extent because families should look after each other and she does need your help. I don't mean you should let her move in by the way 😁 just accept she's going to be here a couple more days, it's going to be really awful and annoying, you are a good person so you will do it. I suspect others will disagree with me but that's what I think.

JLou08 · 06/08/2026 10:49

I know it gets trotted out a lot in here, but she sounds like she is ND.
That's not to say there's anything with you feeling how you do. I'd be ready for her to go home too!

shellyleppard · 06/08/2026 10:51

Guests that overstay their welcome are an absolute nightmare. Hope you get your home back soon x

Ansells · 06/08/2026 10:53

No, you’re not awful.

Your DH will be much more patient with her because she’s his sister. For you, the bond won’t be the same so she will likely annoy you more than she does him. He probably doesn’t even notice half the things she does whereas it will sit differently for you. That’s very normal with in laws.

Unfortunately there’s not really much you can do apart from hope she makes a quick recovery and goes home!

Chocolateteabag · 06/08/2026 10:54

Yep YANBU - but grit your teeth as it’s not going to be for much longer

you might need to consider DH driving her home though as the coach might not be manageable in the next few days

maybe suggest taking her away for a weekend next time rather than she travels to you? (Shorter time period, not in your house, you might get away with just DH taking her?)

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 06/08/2026 10:55

Its normal.

Deep breaths and think of your husband.

itsgettingweird · 06/08/2026 10:57

Your DH might have to drive her home.

in future travel to where she lives - stay in a nice hotel and spend limited time with her.

Better still - get your DH to go alone 😂

Morepositivemum · 06/08/2026 10:59

You are not an awful sil x I’d say life is hard for k especially if she’s living with having to use a walker. Good your dh is so good but hope she goes home soon for your sake!!!

Original poster
TrueCrimeFanatic · 06/08/2026 11:01

Thanks all for your replies. It helps to know these feelings are normal. Just spoke to DH and they’re waiting for results of X-ray. He says she seems okay now.

He has spoken to their siblings and they’ve decided when she’s okay to travel DH will take her half way and another sibling will meet them and take her home.

He also said we won’t be inviting her again, not because of the hellish time we have but because she’s clearly not capable/shouldn’t risk this happening again. TBH thats made me feel a little lighter and able to cope with another couple of days.

He did say we won’t tell her though til she safely home 😬

OP posts:
whippersnapper55 · 06/08/2026 11:08

It's completely normal for you to feel that way - I feel like that after family staying even when they're not that bad! You just want your own space and your home back.

It's really kind of you and DH to have her to stay - it doesn't sound like she has a very nice life to be honest, even if she doesn't help herself. Chronic pain and disability can definitely make you cantankerous and it sounds like her personality is very glass half full anyway. Maybe you can just go visit and stay in a b&b nearby once in a while, rather than having to host her in your home?

Original poster
TrueCrimeFanatic · 06/08/2026 11:13

I have often suggested DH goes and visits her instead but he’s adamant he doesn’t want to do that. I’m pretty sure he’d get no enjoyment from that and he’s not one for sitting round other peoples houses drinking tea and chatting.

i will suggest we go down there next year and stay in a b&b. Ho hum, he’s just texted to say nothing major, seems to just be a muscle spasm and she has a prescription for strong codeine. They’ll be home soon. I’m bracing myself.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 06/08/2026 11:24

TrueCrimeFanatic · 06/08/2026 11:13

I have often suggested DH goes and visits her instead but he’s adamant he doesn’t want to do that. I’m pretty sure he’d get no enjoyment from that and he’s not one for sitting round other peoples houses drinking tea and chatting.

i will suggest we go down there next year and stay in a b&b. Ho hum, he’s just texted to say nothing major, seems to just be a muscle spasm and she has a prescription for strong codeine. They’ll be home soon. I’m bracing myself.

Do you think that she might have made it up or really exaggerated her symptoms so that she doesn't have to go home yet?

Dearg · 06/08/2026 11:29

Different circumstance, but I am also a bad sister in law to a woman with significant health issues and an attitude that could curdle milk.

You are not unreasonable, and it sounds like short visits to her, own accommodation, is the way forward x

Original poster
TrueCrimeFanatic · 06/08/2026 11:29

thepariscrimefiles · 06/08/2026 11:24

Do you think that she might have made it up or really exaggerated her symptoms so that she doesn't have to go home yet?

Show quote history

Well it did cross my mind but then I thought I was just being nasty.
if she has done that ( and she’s the only one that knows) she shot herself in the foot as DH has said she won’t be coming again. I’m just hoping she’s not staying more than another couple of days….fingers crossed 🤞

OP posts:
KaleidoscopeSmile · 06/08/2026 11:44

I don't get these posts. OP makes someone (ALWAYS a bloke of any variety or an older woman) sound like one step down from demonic then says "I expect to be slated but...."

Obviously you're not going to be slated because they sound awful. You knew that.

Lavenderandbrown · 06/08/2026 11:45

Wouldn’t she feel better at home? Maybe the best plan is to get her home as soon as possible. 4 hr drive break not down with several stops and the “help” of the codeine. She may travel best while medicated so today or tomorrow at the latest

Strikeout44 · 06/08/2026 12:09

She's never coming back - hold onto that happy thought OP! There's no way I'd have been having her stay for a week - ever- I'd have left DH to it if he insisted. So I don't think you're bad, putting up with her every year I think you've been a saint!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 06/08/2026 12:23

I agree with others that you are a saint with putting up with this every year. I agree DH should drive her home as soon as she’s out of hospital and then say in future he should visit her and her brother on his own…

Lurkingandlearning · 06/08/2026 12:33

Given her health conditions, sitting on the coach for that long journey may have been the cause of her spasms and pain. I would definitely be raising that possibility loud and clear. Going forward perhaps it would be better for her health if your DH visited her when he has time. He could supplement that with Face Time or Zoom calls so she knows he is still thinking of her.

Curleywoo · 06/08/2026 13:09

I never understand how some women allow men to dominate them like this.
Yanbu OP.
I would be away when someone like this visited and I would be sending my husband on his own, and have, to visit his siblings.

I am married 35 years and I am not making an effort for people who never made an effort with me, nor entertaining them.
Just say No.
So many women feel marriage means they cannot say "No, that doesn't work for me".

OtterlyMad · 06/08/2026 15:39

YANBU. You are much kinder and more patient than I would be I can tell you that! Sometimes there’s a good reason people are lonely…

Next time your DH invites her to visit, book yourself a little getaway or spa break and let your DH run around after her like a blue arse fly.

Original poster
TrueCrimeFanatic · 06/08/2026 15:48

Curleywoo · 06/08/2026 13:09

I never understand how some women allow men to dominate them like this.
Yanbu OP.
I would be away when someone like this visited and I would be sending my husband on his own, and have, to visit his siblings.

I am married 35 years and I am not making an effort for people who never made an effort with me, nor entertaining them.
Just say No.
So many women feel marriage means they cannot say "No, that doesn't work for me".

Do you know Curlywoo I actually agree with what you’re saying but it’s so hard to not give the person you love what he wants when you can.

We did have a talk years ago when she used to stay for a full week and I couldn’t stand it. I got him to cut it down to 4 nights but it’s still too long.

He’s a wonderful man. He’s always been good with my family too, after my mum died, my Dad stayed for a week and he went above and beyond to entertain him and my Dad still talks about the week he spent with us. But that was only the once. So, you can see, it’s difficult for me to refuse his request.

I love that phrase ‘no that doesn’t work for me’ and I’m going to keep it tucked away. It’s not been finalised but looking like she will be going home Saturday….all fingers crossed.

We popped out together earlier to do some food shopping and afterwards sat in the car for 10 mins talking as we both needed to de-stress and debrief. He’s as fed up as me and reiterated that no way is she staying again. I firmly told him if he softens down the line and invites her I will not be here to help entertain her and he knew I meant it ( and there’s no way he could cope with her on his own)

OP posts:
LostNorthernGirl1981 · 06/08/2026 16:27

itsgettingweird · 06/08/2026 10:57

Your DH might have to drive her home.

in future travel to where she lives - stay in a nice hotel and spend limited time with her.

Better still - get your DH to go alone 😂

I was going to suggest this. Stop inviting her over and once a year stay in a hotel near her. Take her out a couple of times for a meal and enjoy the rest of the time when she is at home.

rookiemere · Yesterday 07:20

Some people are just too awful to be hosted.
DH and I generally have an open house - we have a spare room and live in a town where the accommodation is expensive, but he has said that he will not have my cousin and her DH to stay with us anymore after a couple of awful visits over the last two years. I would probably just suck it up if it was just me, but I get his point and it’s his house too and - like you - he really has good reason to ban them staying ( its mostly the DH we would welcome cousin on her own).

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · Yesterday 07:23

If your husband insists on inviting her after you tell him you can’t have her any longer, book a lovely hotel for yourself next time she lands herself on you. Life is too short to have to suffer her. Her own family won’t deal with her, there’s no bearing on you to.