AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

I still don’t know why the OP posted. She clearly knows her own mind and has her own view on how she should deal with it - so why bother seeking MN’s advice?

'It's because your cock has shrunk, dear heart!' would have been my response

l went to the trouble of responding to it. l think it should have been left to stand. You clearly didn’t read all of her updates - or maybe you did, and just didn’t bother to try to understand them before you went on the attack.

I’m not projecting anything and you said way more in that post than you’re admitting to, which is probably why it was taken down - because it was a cruel, insulting and crass personal attack on the OP for nothing more than wanting to approach things in a measured and responsible way instead of blowing up her marriage to satisfy some of the man hating harpies posting here.

Man hating harpies? Hmm.

@Waitingforgod26 ,

What an unpleasant condescending tirade (‘pandering apologist’ is a horrible thing to call someone on a thread where they have asked for support).

How do you know what is fixable or unfixable for the OP?

Not everyone’s self worth is based on their sex life or, even more specifically, the shape or performance of their parts. Some have a deeper self confidence based on achievements and good strong long term mutually supportive relationships, both romantic and otherwise.

Some people really hate an OP who knows her own mind and can’t be brow beaten into submission.

What an unpleasant, condescending and pointless response. Sorry you can't browbeat me into submission.

So anyway, my comment stands.

I don't think it's unfixable, but I do think that saying something so obviously cruel at such a vulnerable time is a red flag, and could possibly indicate deeper issues.

I just don't understand why or how someone in a 'strong, good, mutually supportive relationship' would ever want to comment unfavourably on their (post-partum) wife's lack of vaginal tightness. Especially after the first time resuming sex. A decent man would be mindful she could feel insecure or vulnerable, and would be looking to make sure she feels reassured and sexually satisfied – and would just be overjoyed to be having sex again!

It's so obviously a terrible thing to do that it's very hard to believe it's not deliberate negging on his part, and I think that's what a lot of posters were picking up on.

I think it would be potentially fixable if he (aside from grovelling apologies) explained that it's probably because he's been wanking so long, he's used to the tightness of his hand, or just because she's still healing...

But those do ring rather hollow, and you're right that it's the sort of comment that could haunt their sex life and marriage, and cause ongoing feelings of insecurity, and make her self conscious during sex. She now knows forever on that he thinks her vagina is noticeably looser – and that it impacted him enough that he thought it worth mentioning.

What a truly awful thing to say.

I think he did it either because he just doesn't care/didn't think about her feelings even a little, or he deliberately wanted to make her feel insecure, so that she does more to satisfy him/tries harder because he's said she's inadequate.

You're right – I think that given the rest of their marriage has (apparently) been good up until now, and they have young children together, she's choosing to brush it under the rug because it's easier. Although it sounds as though she generally does the emotional labour in the relationship and prioritises his feelings over her own.

It's very sad to see a woman feel as though giving him a good bollocking over a cruel comment would be unfair/her causing issues, instead of him having (and accepting) reasonable consequences for his bad actions.

Nobody is trying to browbeat you into submission but you seem unable to engage in reasonable discussion without resorting to insults and wild assumptions about people you know nothing about.

@Waitingforgod26 unfortunately I couldn’t quote the post I’m referring to here as it was deleted while l was replying but there is a flavour throughout that post that you actually hope the things you said come to pass for OP. Which is very sad because it indicates that you can’t stand the thought that with time, love and reasonable discussion this can be worked through.

I don’t think anyone on this thread has denied that this was a horrible thing to say, but to attribute such awful traits to the man as you’ve done here, based on that one comment, and to suggest that OP is in denial about being in a miserable marriage is unconscionable and potentially very damaging.

OP’s marriage has survived the horror of witnessing a child taken by cancer. I can’t imagine experiencing anything worse, so l doubt whether one crass comment, made for reasons that aren’t clear here, will be enough to snuff it out.

I think that there are a few people here who are rather pleased with the notion of a good wife, who will stay quiet and amenable, not make a fuss, do her duty and not ruffle any feathers.

There are few here who can sniff that a mile off and wouldn't accept that a good man (or woman) would let that come out of their mouth, let alone not catch it immediately afterwards and raise it HIMSELF in order to repair, let alone wait for the recipient to gather herself and work out the right way to do so without inciting upset in him.

But the problem, as always, is that you only ever get one side of the story. The OP’s. I think this thread is slightly different in that OP maintains that her husband is a good man, she has a happy marriage and that this is not a pattern of behaviour for him. It’s clear that there is mutual respect, which is why what was basically a horrible and thoughtless comment was even more significant to OP - because it was out of character.

Right from the start we’ve had posters who have been unwilling to accept that, looking for other explanations and trying to convince her that her husband is a monster, that she’s in denial and living in a bad marriage. With the exception of a few contributors there has been no middle ground between blowing up her marriage and as you put it ‘staying quiet and amenable’.

I’ve had the sense throughout the thread that OP is anything but quiet and amenable, but neither is she about to follow the usual MN groupthink of LTB or pack his bags, and the fact that she has sussed this out and refused to share the outcome, so as not to attract more of the same, has clearly infuriated some posters because it’s robbed them of the drama.

It’s clear that there is mutual respect

I think we will have to disagree.

I haven’t seen any indication from OP that she didn’t intend to tell DH exactly how shit he’s made her feel, or get to the bottom of his reasons for saying it. I don’t think ‘a good bollocking’ necessarily achieves anything but making the injured party feel better in the moment. If they’re going to have any hope of moving past this then open discussion and resolution is what's needed - which, from what OP has said, has happened/is happening and she’s more watchful for patterns of similar behaviour. Because she’s chosen not to share the outcome doesn’t mean he isn’t facing the consequences of his actions.

Fair enough. Notwithstanding the comment, a long standing and strong marriage which has survived immense tragedy indicates mutual respect. But that’s just a personal opinion.

... and also a few that couldn't recognise objectification if they tried.

Or alternatively, many who are projecting their own experience in the belief that it’s universal.

What do you think explains the comment? Or why you think it's not objectification?

Agreed. What OP's husband said was so blatantly, obviously cruel, at such a sensitive, vulnerable moment, picking on such a universal insecurity that is often used to mock and deride women, that I just can't believe a man would say it to a woman he had respect for.
(Well, perhaps if he was dead drunk, temporarily insane, or suffering from severe blood loss.)

To me, at the very least, it's a sign that he needs to change (and improve) the way he views his wife, and her body.

Oh come on. You’ve been contributing throughout the thread, as have l. You can’t fail to have seen the posters panting for OP to come back to the thread to tell us she’s see the light and ended the marriage. It’s palpable in some of the posts.

Maybe it was the phrase Man Hating Harpies. Or maybe that just casually slipped out of your mouth.

I've seen commenters who were keen to know that OP's partner is actually deeply remorseful and feels like a stupid prick, who is eager to make amends. I think because they empathise with her, and recognise just how disgusting and unacceptable his comment was.

I haven't seen any slavering to be updated that she's left him, no.