AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

He’s a great father and husband despite this comment. I like being married to him and I’m glad that we can be intimate again. I plan to speak to him about the comment then move on from it I don’t plan to hold resentment over a comment that I know he didn’t mean. I guess I’ll see how he reacts then I can make my decision but usually I’m able to speak to him about anything that’s bothering me and we are able to solve issues together.

I don't think there's a single answer because people, and relationships, are rarely that simple. I also think it depends on whether it’s a pattern of behaviour.

For me moving on doesn't mean deciding that I'm no longer upset or promising myself I'll never think about it again. I don't think we have that much control over our emotions. If it pops into my head again, it pops into my head. I don't see that as failure, I see it as just being human.

What matters more to me is what happens after the hurt. Does the other person genuinely understand why it hurt? Do they take responsibility without defensiveness? Do their actions afterwards reflect what they've understood? That's what gradually restores my sense of safety not just the conversation itself. Just because I’ve addressed how the comment made it doesn’t mean that all is forgotten.

I also try to remind myself that people are more than the worst thing they've said just as they're more than the best thing they've done. If I reduced someone their worst moment, I'd be ignoring everything else I know to be true about them. Equally, I don't believe loving someone means pretending they didn't upset or hurt you.

So I suppose I don't really "let go" in one conscious act. I just try not to let one painful moment become the only lens through which I see an entire relationship whether that’s friendship, marriage, family relationships etc. For me, that's the difference between remembering something that upset me and allowing it to define everything that comes afterwards.

It really just doesn't make sense, OP. You've kept engaging, you've shared other quite specific details, and yet you've entirely avoided saying a vague, 'he was really apologetic and felt terrible for upsetting me in a moment of stupidity, so I'm happy to move past it'.

That's up to you of course, as you're not obligated to share anything at all, but it does seem an intriguing choice to keep engaging and sharing on the thread, but not to mention that one aspect.

I don't think there's a single answer because people, and relationships, are rarely that simple. I also think it depends on whether it’s a pattern of behaviour.

For me moving on doesn't mean deciding that I'm no longer upset or promising myself I'll never think about it again. I don't think we have that much control over our emotions. If it pops into my head again, it pops into my head. I don't see that as failure, I see it as just being human.

What matters more to me is what happens after the hurt. Does the other person genuinely understand why it hurt? Do they take responsibility without defensiveness? Do their actions afterwards reflect what they've understood? That's what gradually restores my sense of safety not just the conversation itself. Just because I’ve addressed how the comment made it doesn’t mean that all is forgotten.

I also try to remind myself that people are more than the worst thing they've said just as they're more than the best thing they've done. If I reduced someone their worst moment, I'd be ignoring everything else I know to be true about them. Equally, I don't believe loving someone means pretending they didn't upset or hurt you.

So I suppose I don't really "let go" in one conscious act. I just try not to let one painful moment become the only lens through which I see an entire relationship whether that’s friendship, marriage, family relationships etc. For me, that's the difference between remembering something that upset me and allowing it to define everything that comes afterwards.

You really don’t like not knowing do you…

Oops one got there before I commented. Yeah punish him and weaponise sex. Thays alway a plan.

What a truly saddening post. The bitterness in your words speak volumes about your own experience.

OP realised very early on that many of the replies didn’t align with her own values and resolved things herself in a measured and responsible way, reflecting the value she clearly places on her marriage and everything it has survived and been strengthened by.

That you would talk about someone you have never met and know nothing about in such insulting terms, and try to twist her emotions into something so destructive and clearly marriage ending is really concerning.

I wouldn’t be prepared to share the details after the way the thread went almost from the start. OP clearly doesn’t share the MN collective opinion that all men are shite. Hopefully she’ll think twice before asking for ‘advice’ on AIBU again.

Lol. What a ridiculous response 😃 Sorry to disappoint you so dreadfully, but two caesars left my vag as tight as ever 😆 Not that that's why I had two caesarians and not that I tried to make it into a competition, or even mentioned the fact that my vag is still tight - but since you're dribbling utter nonsense we'll just get that out of the way.

Projection is so real on this site.

Weird that you would report my comment, and even weirder it was taken down, when all I said was her husband either went out of his way to be verbally abusive to her, or he's as thick as mince and she will never, ever forget this.

Nothing remotely reportable in that.

Lol. What a ridiculous response 😃 Sorry to disappoint you so dreadfully, but two caesars left my vag as tight as ever 😆 Not that that's why I had two caesarians and not that I tried to make it into a competition, or even mentioned the fact that my vag is still tight - but since you're dribbling utter nonsense we'll just get that out of the way.

Projection is so real on this site.

Weird that you would report my comment, and even weirder it was taken down, when all I said was her husband either went out of his way to be verbally abusive to her, or he's as thick as mince and she will never, ever forget this.

Nothing remotely reportable in that.

I agree with pp that your comment wasn't worthy of deleting.

It's funny how, if you have high standards for husbands, people tend to accuse you of hating men or being bitter, when really it's more likely that you have a very decent husband, who you just can't imagine doing such a horrible, cruel thing!