DH angry about my behaviour at playdate

Based on the play date instance, and that alone, I would be inclined to forgive him. Yes, he was grumpy and unreasonable, but with his (self diagnosed) autism, I think it was a difficult situation for him to handle with the jokes that made him feel stupid. I know they weren’t intended that way, and probably wouldn’t have made anyone else feel like that, but he felt awkward and uncomfortable and that’s a common autistic trait during social interactions. He needs to work on handling it better, and couples counselling may be needed for the other issues, but him saying he felt stupid isn’t a divorce maker to me. He needs to stop with the silent treatment, though. Even if he says he needs to be alone for X amount of time to process his feelings.

Autistic people don't always get banter and sarcasm and he may have taken your joke more seriously than you intended, especially as it was in front of your friend in his house which he probably regards as his safe space.
However, as he has never actually been assessed as having autism you don't really know if this applies to him anyway.
As his behaviour seems terrible all round(and adding in the drinking) I think there is more than autism going on. He sounds either selfish and abusive or has other mental health issues.
Only you can decide if you want to live with this and if it is fair on your child. If he wont get help it's really not your job to fix it and it sounds like he's getting worse. Think about the future, dealing with him and teenager in the same house.

You can be ND and a arsehole. Those two things are not mutually exclusive.

Regardless of diagnosis, he clearly takes things literally and misunderstands humour. You could be more literal with him in front of friends and turn it back on him to come up with solutions. So if says have you fed the dog? Sorry i forgot, go ahead or "What do you want me to do?"

But that's exhausting checking yourself constantly. He sounds draining sorry. Or you could try saying "I forgot and will do that now". So just be factual and bland.

My kids are ND and because we are stuck with each other ( if ds was my husband I'd be long gone). I can mutter under my breath and we can both reflect and apologise. But my ds is severely autistic. He has empathy and strives to be liked. Do you think your dh wants to be liked or is he just self motivated? No need to answer that on here. Not getting socail norms or jokes / idioms is not the same as being self motivated and selfish.

Good point. You would think.if he wasvto lazy or embarrassed to buy it himself he would just order online.

He drinks a bottle of wine at least 5 nights a week he says its because of the stress of masking

Oh he can fuck off with this shit. He's an alcoholic making excuses to justify why. All his behaviour can be attributed to the effects of alcoholism. There's no need for him to have ever gone down this road. If he was stressed and not coping he could have gone to the GP who would very likely have given him some antidepressants and put him on a waiting list for therapy for the trauma. But that's no fun is it? Can't get a buzz off those 🙄 His lifestyle is a choice and the sooner you wake up to that the better. You're in a marriage with an addict who has no intention of changing and who has checked out of the relationship.

OP I'm autistic and I used to use alcohol to help me cope with the world and I think that's what your DH is doing.

I also think it's unacceptable for him to behave as he does and he needs to find better coping mechanisms and take responsibility for his feelings and behaviour.

Additionally I think he isn't going to change and you need to decide if you can live with it.

My Dad was like this, minus the drinking, he is undiagnosed autistic, and my mum chose to stay with him. However my childhood was awful as a result and I always wished she had left him. He's still the same now.

So think about your daughter as well and what she's going through living with this.

It's not easy. I'm sorry.

I would say he's autistic and has become an alcoholic as a result of using alcohol to cope with life, but I agree with everything else you say.

I sent him a text today (as he refuses to talk about it in person) and said that I wanted him to move forward ASAP with ND diagnosis and or trauma counselling and that from now on I wasn't buying any alcohol.

Well done for this! That's a great start. I do think you need marriage counselling too. If he's not willing to do the counseling, you need to think of your next steps here and let him know that you can't carry on like this.

He called me very upset saying that the disagreement over the playdate had nothing to do with his potential autism or alcohol use and that im inventing the issue in my head he wasn't even angry about it (he certainly seemed angry when he told me I was obnoxious and treated him like a c word).

Don't let him distract from the main issue here which is NOT the play date. It's his alcoholism and issues in your marriage.

He said he was just "sad" because I ignored him and didn't interact enough with him when my friend was there. He said he felt invisible.
He admitted that he misunderstood my first comment about the dog.

Great. A sort of apology but I have a feeling he'll say anything to get you buying his alcohol, or tolerating his alcohol use.

He wanted me to explain how his alcohol use is connected I wasn't getting into it I just said again "I'm not buying it anymore". He will be home later so not sure how that will go but I think it's clear I've been enabling his drinking and that stops now.

That's huge progress. I do think you need support to stop enabling his drinking because he will pull out all the stops. If he buys it himself, are you going to tolerate that? If he refuses counselling for himself or your marriage, are you going to tolerate that? What are your boundaries? Is there anyone in RL who can help you stick to them? Because it's not going to be easy but you don't want to be in a worse place this time next year.

Neurodivergence is not an excuse for a sour personality.

Well done for setting and keeping your boundary with not getting the wine @Plastictreesofgold , even when he was trying to win you around with what are essentially normal family interactions (but he probably thinks are AMAZING acts of selflessness 🙄 - going to the park and cafe)

If only people realised that all that is needed to overcome 'anxiety' is for someone to say no to them, and miraculously - they are cured!!! Almost as if... I dunno... it wasn't real in his case?!

He is possibly autistic and he seems to have a problem with alcohol.

Hate to be a pedant, but I thought he worked by himself at home. You said he came home from work?

I find it strange really when individuals blame their behaviours on autism or ADHD - then it turns out they don’t have an actual diagnosis!
Only a qualified healthcare professional such as a psychiatrist can diagnose these conditions.
So your DH cannot use Autism as any kind of reason for his actions when he may not even have it!
And if he was a diagnosed autistic person; this would not excuse nasty behaviour towards you.
Plus he clearly has an alcohol problem that he very much needs to address!

He is behaving like that because he doesn't want you to have any friends so he creates an unpleasant scene afterwards which as you have written is making it difficult to see you. Nothing to do with autism but plenty to do with coercive controlling behaviour in a DA relationship. You have done nothing wrong, don't apologise to him . Read this book 'Power and Control' by Sandra Horley you will see his description...take care

He was trying to earn brownie points off you for doing these extra family things, all so he could use them to send you in to buy alcohol. How could you possibly refuse him after all the effort he has made! What a manipulative piece of shit he is. It was a performance for alcohol and not because he wanted to spend time with DD/you.

Send him to AA. No ifs or buts.

Agree.
However...you can send him to AA all you want, but if he doesn't want to change it will (sadly) be a waste of time in any case.....

Yeah, I misread it.

Subtle (not) attempt at manipulating you. Well done for not falling for it OP. And I love how quickly so many mental health “issues” seem to miraculously cure themselves when a man wants something.

“Mental health” is the current patriarchal ploy to get women to accept and facilitate bullshit-don’t fall for it.

You don’t know that and he is habitually drinking a bottle of wine 5 nights a week.

Get out now, OP. My sweet friend was married to a handsome fellow who drank a bottle a night. He had liver issues, and a stroke quite early in their marriage, lost his job, became mentally a shadow of his former self while quite dependent in her and abusive, and she never got away from him. 30 years and three children where if she had realized she could leave right away she would not have been left holding the bag.

He is trying to isolate you! Sulking and behaving like a child. He's hoping his moody, pathetic antics will stop you from inviting friends around, he's hoping you'll think it's "easier" to stop socialising, in an effort to avoid upsetting him.

Good luck. Hopefully it’s going to shift his behaviour for the better.