DH angry about my behaviour at playdate

He sounds abusive, not autistic. Most of my family are diagnosed but none of us ignore or grunt at each other, or treat each other like shit.

He’s jealous. You were having fun with Mates and he’s none. He was trying to ruin it for you.

and that’s not something you should tolerate.

Sweetheart, this was me until recently too. I was with my exDP for 7 years. He hadn’t a diagnosis but his DS does and they are very very alike. I am 100% certain he is autistic. He too would interpret simple interactions in a very odd way and would accuse me of criticising him all the time! It would catch me completely off guard. Things he insisted were criticism: me verbally running through our ‘to do’ list the day after we had agreed to do some tasks (this was me outrageously repeating myself, and why on earth would I feel the need to repeat myself when he had “already stated” he would do x? In other words I was repeating myself to make the point that he hadn’t yet done x and why should he do everything according to my schedule???!!! I was like “dude, I’m just verbally running through a mental list of stuff to get done, I’ve no expectation you should have already done anything. You’re really reading far too much into this. Genuinely I’m just wittering to myself!” But he found that implausible and instead decided I must be criticising him)
Asking if he could remember his bank account number - this was me humiliating him
apparently and calling him thick because I can remember my account number but that doesn’t mean he should be able to as well!
A fleeting look of pain passing over my face when we were on a date and it was the first day of my period (my periods are really painful due to a condition I have). He didn’t know I had my period as I was trying to push on through but my painkillers had worn off. On this occasion he stormed out of the wine bar we were in mid-drink. Just downed it, slammed the glass down and marched out. I followed him out but he gave me the silent treatment. I had no idea what I’d done!!! In the end he eventually told me I was sat there rolling my eyes at him and that I was communicating he was boring. Again I was like “dude, I’ve got my period and I’m in a lot of pain. I was trying not to show it so we could enjoy this nice date” but again he felt I was ruining the date and getting at him.
I could give you a hundred examples. Everything was viewed through the lens of victim. Everything I said or did he saw as criticism. This meant that (a) I was always apologising and always on the back foot with no idea of what it was I was supposed to have done this time but (b) when I genuinely did have a concern about an aspect of his behaviour which I wanted to discuss like adults he would fly off the handle and say I endlessly criticised him. Nothing could ever be talked about and resolved. If I dared express a feeling it would trigger his feelings of shame and he would react very badly either with silent treatment and one word responses/zero eye contact/ making sure I knew I’d upset him but always with me having to guess and apologise and beg him to tell me what I’d done. Or else he would emotionally dysregulate and fly into a rage.

I do believe this was due to his autism. But I am absolutely not saying all or indeed most autistic people are like this. With him I just think he carried such feelings of internal shame (which I only realised after our relationship ended and through my own therapy) that he was constantly on the look out for people/me criticising him. Everything went through the shame filter in his head. He couldn’t understand that his perception of my behaviour was a thing. There is only right and wrong. Black and white. If he has a feeling (shame) it must be fact. So “I FEEL criticised” becomes simply “YOU must be criticising me”. He couldn’t tell the difference between his feeling and the thought he assigned. If he felt belittled, it couldn’t be his perception, it could only be that I belittled him.
He has trouble interpreting social cues so frequently misinterprets people’s actions. He also is unable to respond in an emotionally mature way. Instead of talking and listening and being curious or giving the benefit of the doubt, he either shuts down (cold shouldering) or rages.
What you describe reminded me so strongly of him and the way he made me feel. Always guessing and apologising, always being caught off guard. Always him finding ways I’d upset him. Refusing to engage or speak to me. (He said he was just protecting himself). But this is emotional abuse. Make no mistake.

I did get out. It took many attempts. But I did. And I am with a lovely emotionally mature man who I can talk to when something has upset or annoyed me. We don’t fall out about small stuff. I am not constantly having to manage his emotions or wonder what I’ve said or done. Life is so much simpler!! Your DH will never change. Get the hell out if you can.

How could you saying you haven't washed or fed any of the kids be taken so literally that it was offensive? I don't get it at all.

What's wrong with saying you haven't actually been having the same conversation all evening?

I get autistic people take thing literally, my DS is autistic.

I don't think this is about your husband being autistic though OP, I think this is about your husband being a drunken twat who doesn't like to see you having fun.

Another grown man with a pathetically fragile ego.

Bit sick of people blaming shity, abusive and misogynistic behaviour on autism. Fully ND household here and your behaviour with your friend was fine. He was a dick.

You do not have to put up with it. If my DH behaved like that - ie was rude and stropped off when we had a guest, the telling off would have come from me to him. As it is, my DH would probably have checked whether we had enough wine and offered to pick up some more for us on the dog walk. He would likely have stopped to chat for 10mins, having a beer to be sociable, before heading off ‘to do some work’ (😉 because he really wouldn’t want to hang out with a couple of mums on the wine, and that is fine).

I would take a moment to consider whether this was an isolated instance or whether there a series of other controlling, passive aggressive (and therefore abusive) behaviours you have become so inured to that you have waved them off or ignored them over the years. Then decide whether you want to tackle them or discuss separation.

And for full disclosure, when my AuDHD was unrecognised and managed, I was a fucking nightmare in my 20s especially. Emotional dysregulation ++++. I have no idea to this day why DH put up with it, other than he says I am a good person who has never targeted abuse at him… but despite this, he has NEVER once called me names, raised his voice or disparaged me once - and if he called me c*nt I’d have been gone immediately.

I am so sorry @Plastictreesofgold this is the tenor of your relationship, but I hope you seek some advice or counselling to address this because you don’t deserve it.

Right, wrong end of the stick. I thought you meant her drinking.

Were you sat in the kitchen?

I’m just wondering why he didn’t ask if you’d fed the kids and if not then he cook for them.

You sound really awkward/on edge around him when your friend is there.

He was silently seething by the sounds of it. I have been with men like this before and he sounds awful. And drinking a bottle 5 nights a week?? You can do better than him

Please don’t stop seeing your friends. It’s bad for you and bad for your child. Him having a hard time when you and your daughter are having normal social interactions with friends is his problem to deal with. You isolating yourself is not the solution.

He sounds difficult and hard to live with.

The alcohol consumption is problematic and in my experience, will increase - it won't go down without proper intervention. It will move from 1 bottle to 2 and so on.

Your "quips" and "jokey comments" indicate to me that you felt awkward in front of your friend. I am not sure if it was obvious to your friend that he was being rude/friendly/unwelcoming, or if you just feared this and tried to overcompensate or "keep things lighthearted".

I will say though, I don't think you should assume any responsibility for his moods. It's really not for you to carry at all. Autism or not, he needs to regulate his moods and communicate his feelings like an adult.

Calling you a c**t is the final nail in the coffin for me. It would be over for me.

I think you need to look seriously at separating. Yes shared custody is hard (I am doing it at the moment and it's hard I won't lie) but honestly it's better than living in a messed up dynamic which will be affecting your daughter, whether you think so or not. Also a lot of these men make a big hoo ha at the beginning about asking for 50/50 but in time a lot fall off and you might have your daughter a lot more than you think, in the end. It's time for you to look into what separation and divorce looks like.

Also - keep seeing your friends. You need them.

OP, this man sounds utterly exhausting to live with. Is anything ever his fault?

He said he was just "sad" because I ignored him and didn't interact enough with him when my friend was there. He said he felt invisible.

And this is the crux of it, isnt it?

He might well have been confused by the dog comment, but if he is on the spectrum, he's clearly highly functioning and able to ask you what you meant. How did he manage to build a relationship with you to the point of marriage? He is choosing to behave like this towards you.

Are you able to keep wine in the house? People who need to buy it as they go often have a problem, well the ones I know do anyway.

OP said

He drinks a bottle of wine at least 5 nights a week he says its because of the stress of masking

How could you interact with him if he wasn’t there? He took himself off upstairs and then out with the dog!

Yes. Would he actually want 50 50 custody if you divorced?

This must be a horrible home for your little girl

He sounds very similar to my ex. Never diagnosed but our DD is AuDHD and I now suspect Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria was behind a lot of the times he lost his temper at something I had supposedly done or said (but could never give me a clear example of) that was utterly baffling to me.
Knowing what I know now I would interpret this as him feeling “rejected” simply because you chose to spend time with a friend instead of him. My ex believed that I didn’t need friends because I had him. He certainly had (and still has) no friends. Every time I went out to see a friend he felt rejected. He also refused counselling and so there was only one solution (I left) as it is no way to live. He still believes I have rejected him every single day but I no longer have to live with it or even take notice of it and it is bliss!

Okay, so personality aside
Has he ever had any treatment for his anxiety?
Is he aware that he doesn't have to feel like this (the fear of being around others in a shop for example, feeling uneasy around your friends)?
That how he likely feels after a drink (as you describe - lighter etc), can be achieved through treatment - either or both psychological or medication.

It does sound like he is self medicating.
Definitely worth him exploring an assessment. Possibly a combined adhd and autism assessment.

He does need to find a better way of communicating with you.

He was in a mood because you were having fun and he couldn't drink, or join in. (Through his choices)

he tried blaming you and punishing you and he's now shotting himself and trying to pretend it didn't happen to get you back onside.

you're getting nothing from this relationship but wasting your funnest years. Though I get your fear about contact......would he even want much?

Agree, so sad for everyone involved, especially the little girl. The child is the OPs step daughter so I don't see a 50 50 split being a possibility but correct me if I'm wrong.

He is an alcoholic and at the heart of alcoholism is resentment. He resented the fact that you were having a good time with your friend.
He wanted your attention and felt you brushed him off. Which is so childish.