DH angry about my behaviour at playdate

Well you now know that your answer should be "No, if you want alcohol, get it yourself". He is obviously telling himself that he doesnt have a problem with alcohol, because he isn't buying it every day and you are sanctioning his drinking.

What on God's green earth did OP say that was wrong??!

I'm baffled, because I thought my awkward jokey responses when he came in were fine.....

Obviously we weren’t there and can’t really tell if what was said was rude, offensive etc but what massively stands out it how awkward you felt when he came in the room - why?

Why were you trying to make jokes and why was you being awkward?

It almost sounds like you were a bit on egg shells when he came in and that’s not normal!!

Regardless of this situation, no way would I be with a man who drinks multiple bottles of wine a week or won’t even go to the shop because of ‘anxiety’.

I doubt he’s autistic, I just think it’s convenient to throw this card around to get his own way.
Even if he is autistic, so what. It’s not an excuse to be rude or not go to the shops etc.

Its obvious whats going on here. He is jealous of the attention you give your child and doesnt want you to have any friends. He wants himself to be your one and only priority.

Ah, I thought it might be a jealousy thing, well it still might be. But if she is his child, he should be pleased she is happy and having a playdate.

A lot of people with autism wouldnt understand that though, they would feel put down and belittled. They have problems processing social situations and communication

I’ll rephrase a bit of your OP for you:-

“He drinks at least 50 units of alcohol a week…”

Hmmm… there’s a big part of your problem.

Had you actually fed the dog/your DD? If you had, I'd understand him feeling your response was sarcastic. But if you hadn't fed them, there was nothing wrong with your reply.

Can't excuse his behaviour on being autistic, depressed or whatever without going to the GP and seeking an actual diagnosis and help. He can't expect you to take the silent treatments, the excessive drinking and all the nonsense without a hiccup. He can't expect you to show endless patience towards his crap behaviour towards you without agreeing to go to couples therapy.

Tbh, it sounds like he's not into this marriage and family set up anymore, as sad as it is. People that love and respect their partners don't behave like this towards them. Without his willingness to engage in improving things for you all, you're in for a long, unhappy life (and not that great for your DD to witness) imo unless you think of a way out.

I think some men definitely get uncomfortable/jealous about groups of women getting together for a laugh and a drink.His remark about the dog not being fed is a passive aggressive way of implying that you are somehow so lost in enjoying yourself that you are neglecting your 'duty'. I have a friend and our daughters are the same age and got on brilliantly ( now grown up) , so once a week we spent time all together, me and the other mum talking and sometimes having a drink, and the little girls off playing happily together. However if her son was around forget it! He was a few years older than his sister and my daughter ( he was about 9 or 10) and he would do everything he could to disrupt us chatting and the girls playing. He would hang around complaining, slamming doors , interrupting and spoiling the girl's games by insisting he got to choose the games ,trying to get his mother's attention away from me ( he didn't do this when he had a friend of his own to play with) The point I am making is that is that some men and boys feel threatened by female bonding and/or think that they should be the centre of attention. It sounds like your husband hasn't got past this phase. Maybe got to do with his childhood trauma ( but he won't agree to help) he is hiding behind psychobabble of autism to justify his puerile behaviour. He needs a diagnosis in that case. You don't have to stand for this manchild. Either he takes steps to address his issues or you tell him to take his miserable hide elsewhere.

I’m autistic and I can see why the whole situation around the play date could leave an autistic person feeling overwhelmed and acting in an unreasonable manner.

It sounds like he has quite a set evening routine where you go to the shop and buy him wine and he drinks it at home but this wasn’t possible as you were drinking and he’s too anxious to go to the shop. I hate having my routines disrupted.

He then had another person in the house, this is something I struggle with too, having other people in my space. I don’t really even like having my own friends over for too long, I can’t explain it well but I just start to get an overwhelming feeling of having my personal space invaded when I have guests over, I live alone so nobody else invites others to my house but I imagine this would be hugely amplified if the guest wasn’t my own friend.

I also struggle a lot with social interactions, especially ones which feel like the script is being deviated from. If I asked someone if they’d fed the dog I would expect a yes or no answer and your answer would throw me, I wouldn’t know what to say back and would feel stupid and would hate that to happen in front of someone else. I get looping thoughts and can spend hours overthinking something I or another person said. Part of autism is that it is difficult to read social cues and I can misread things people said as being mean or putting me at the butt of the joke when this wasn’t the case. This would be even more so if I went back upstairs and heard laughing etc, I’d assume you were laughing at me. I am learning that my autism does make my thoughts quite self-centred and I think people are talking about me far more than they are which does feed into paranoia and feeling like I’m being made fun of.

I am not excusing your husbands behaviour or saying that means it’s okay for him to be grumpy and moody with you and that you have to put up with it, but I can see how a similar situation might lead to similar behaviour from me. Sometimes when I am overwhelmed and dysregulated from a social interaction it comes out in moodiness and rudeness, sometimes I’m unaware I’m being like that and other times I am very aware but I still feel unable to interact with another person in any other way. Sometimes I know I’m acting in an unreasonable way but it’s like a dark cloud a a disconnect between my brain and body and I cannot interact in a socially acceptable way even if a significant part of me wants to, all that comes out is the anger or overwhelm when I try and speak. The only thing I can do in that situation is take myself away from the social interaction, which it sounds like he did do by taking himself up for a nap.

Again, I’m not excusing it or saying it’s okay but if he does have autism it is a disability and it will effect his social interaction skills and means he may not always be able to stop himself from being rude or moody. That said, it doesn’t mean you have to put up with it. I’ll also add that although I can act like that I will usually take accountability for it and I will apologise afterwards, although sometimes it can be hours or days afterwards. I’m not suggesting it’s okay to be rude or cold or distant with people just because I’m autistic and that they have to accept that. I am fortunate though that my closest friends do understand me, although most of them are ND themselves!

This is all in his gift OP. Stop giving excises why he behaves the way he does.

I'll tell you - he choses to be a miserable, grunting, disrespectful arse who can't possibly manage to go to the shop.

He could work on his 'anxiety'
He could work on his relationship with his daughter.
He could go to counselling with you.

But he doesn't want to because it would require effort. At the moment hes got it made - lurking about being mardy while you make his world function and bring his wine.

Fuck that.
I don't know how you square the circle of leaving him but missing time with your daughter when she's so little though. Maybe you just start living your life and ignoring his moans, stop bringing him alcohol and see if you can bear it until she's old enough to make her own choices - they're a lot more independent by 10ish.
Or you chose your life and hopefully get used to EOW
It's a tough one.

In the OP's post she explains that her husband is normally friendly with this lady. I presume she's been around before and all ok.
So if he was really suffering with anxiety etc of having someone around, why has he been ok before with her?

Autistic or not, OP, your husband sounds like a standard, surly drunk. The reasons for this probably do not matter as it is a rarity that these situations improve.

I’m awaiting an autism diagnosis myself. We don’t know the tone but I wouldn’t have been offended.

So you're married to an emotionally abusive alcoholic who blames his bad behaviour on undiagnosed autism ....

No.

You can be autistic and still be an asshole. He's an asshole.
You can be autistic and still be an alcoholic. He sounds like he's there or well on his way.
You can be autistic and emotionally abusive. The silent treatment is emotional abuse. it's not just because he's autistic.

I'd be making plans to get myself and my child out of that house or him out of it. Get legal advice.

Why are you with this man?

He's foul. Neurodivergent or not.

Stop buying his booze.

He doesn't get to critcise your perceived 'tone' while then verbally abusing you.

Were these 'autistic' traits apparent before you had your child, OP, and was he drinking a bottle of wine a night five times a week then too?

Sounds like the classic abusive man who's had his nose put out of joint by having a child and not being the centre of your universe to me.

OP

Plan your exit from your abuser with due care and attention; that is your best option here. He will continue to make your and your child's life a complete misery otherwise and he will further ramp up the power and control against you. He latched onto you deliberately and saw some quality in you he can, and has indeed exploited to his own ends. Now you are playing the parts of being his codependent enabler.

He has used ASD here as a means of excusing his own abusive behaviour. Many abusive men do this, it's a tried and tested technique in their arsenal of abuse as well as an insult to those who are actually given an autism diagnosis.

I suspect I’m autistic, and that first interaction about the dog would have thrown me too. But honestly, he sounds like he might have an issue with alcohol.

Drinking five times a week is a lot. And why can’t he go to the shop by himself? Does he work? I just don’t understand what you’re getting out of this relationship.

He might be using alcohol to cope with life and having a young child, but it’s gone too far now. There’s definitely a dependency starting.

Genuine question: can you explain what was ‘upsetting’ or ‘stupid’ about what the OP said?

Even if you took her words literally, how would they be insulting to you? What is about the things she said that you would consider offensive to you?

There was nothing in what she said that was a criticism of her DH. If anything, she was being self-deprecating. So if you were to take them literally, what it is that you feel would be upsetting or insulting?

she said earlier in the OP he was drinking a bottle of wine 5 nights a week.

He's undiagnosed and an alcoholic. I would divorce him.