DH angry about my behaviour at playdate

Your husband is an abusive alcoholic OP. Do not buy into the bullshit that this has anything to do with “autism”. I put “autism” in quotes because he has not been diagnosed, and so many people seem to think it is acceptable to equate autism with abusive behaviour when they have absolutely nothing to do with each other.

In what way do you expect a ND diagnosis to help?

Sorry I’m not trying to be rude, but it won’t it’s just a diagnosis not a treatment. It won’t change anything for you or your family other than having a nice big sticker to place on your issues.

You need to look for solutions to the problem, or actually he does.

Big lines in the sand are needed so he can shape up or ship out. none of this sounds nice for any of you, tough decisions are needed now to improve everyone’s life.

Its made me not want to have anyone over while he's here

That's exactly his intention, you should have nobody over as it interferes with his drinking. Was he simmering because he had no alcohol upstairs?

There was nothing wrong with what you said. Saying 'no child has been fed or washed yet' is a standard expression when time has gotten away from us.

Think there is more alcohol involved here for him. Hidden upstairs?

This man of yours is depressed. Depression shows itself in many ways, emotional, physical and behavioural changes. People can feel empty and numb, becoming irritated and angry over the smallest thing. People no longer feel joy or happiness, feeling guilty and worthlessness. So for all that say, get rid of him, do not put up with it, you know, the usual, he needs help, but doesn't yet know it. I know it will not be easy for you, living with him like this, but if possible, try and speak to him about it. Things will not change, until he gets the help he needs. My heart goes out to you, as you are suffering too. I hope he may soon realise, he has a problem.

The AA, or whatever, counselling will help him get out of the house and talking to others in a similar alcohol dependency situation. It will do him the world of good.

Well done for getting the ball rolling OP.

To help him you’ll need to stop drinking around him too.

He is a bitter depressive v hard to get treated as they blame everyone but themselves

he does not sound autistic but alcoholic and miserable

silent treatment is abuse

consider ending this marriage

Bullsh1t.
He’s a controlling, abusive and alcoholic twat.

Why doesn't he go to the shop?

Are you sure he would want to share custody of DD if you separated & divorced?

Him being autistic and having childhood trauma are red herrings. It sounds more like him having main character syndrome, which doesn't work now that there's a child in the mix.

Once you become a parent part of the deal is that you are responsible for another person's wellbeing. It sounds like he preferred when you could concentrate more on him. With hindsight, do you think you have always been smoothing things over for him and being more thoughtful than he is for you?

Anyway, your poor daughter is growing up thinking this is normal. If it's not the life you want her to choose when she's choosing a partner then you must show her that there's an alternative.

The comments about him being an alcoholic are a bit off the mark, however the amount he's drinking obviously means it's almost irrelevant whether he is or not. But an alcoholic would not go without booze just because they hate going into shops and interacting with people. He's self -medicating his autism with wine which, while it will have the same deleterious effect, does not have the same effect. If he was diagnosed and developed coping strategies and was medicated for his depression he could quit the booze habit.
So you're right to push him for a diagnosis and right also to stop buying the booze for him..

Some autistic people struggle to read tone and/or detect sarcasm. I think it's easy to say "leave him, he's an arsehole etc" but life isn't always that simple.
But if he's not willing to change or get help you're stuck with this! He doesn't sound willing to change.

Have seen this so many times at the in-laws.
FIL has autism and narcissistic personality disorder (only just diagnosed by NHS mental health team).
Will have been upset and moody to hear you having fun with a friend as he has none (npd) grandkids use the term "fun sponge"
Not be happy the dog/childs regular feeding time was delayed (autism)
Not understand the jokey comment and think it was about him (autism)
Not want a stranger in his house (autism)
Realise that HIS needs of having you run to the shop for booze we're not going to be met and sulked (ncp)
Feel he has not been prioritised or put on a pedestal while friend was over (ncp)

Fil made all of Mil friends feel so uncomfortable they never visited. Made life very hard if we visited - 2 hour journey each way, would refuse to feed the kids etc so we would have to leave.

So you decide if you want this... You seem hell bent on getting a diagnosis but it won't change anything. If you don't realise that he will hate any fun spontaneous activity like a play date then you really need to wake up.
Do glad to hear you are stoppi g the alcohol. It's a good first step

when I text him the next morning to say my DD ended up vomiting during the night he didn't respond.

Sorry OP but this is the saddest red flag of them all.

It sounds like you and your husband are so focused on your troubled marriage and communication problems, that the anxiety this is causing your daughter is going unnoticed by both of you.

I do get that it's hard to see the bigger picture, when the effects of who said what, and why, and what did it mean, are so immediate and all-consuming that they seem to be the problem.

But I'd suggest you don't let these arguments distract you from really matters, which is your daughter and her wellbeing.

Once you have that as your priority, everything else about your situation will become clearer.

This. And a lack of bloody manners!

My DH is also (supposedly- undiagnosed) autistic with childhood trauma. Can I ask (for my sake) how you tell which behaviours are autism and which are damage from childhood trauma?

How does he cope at work then?

Or getting petrol?

Or paying for the zoo ticket? Or buying her an ice cream or sandwich while at the zoo?

I agree with pp, it's because he doesn't want anyone else knowing he drinks to excess and that is what an alcoholic does, they hide their consumption. Every thing points to that (and being a horrible person) and not autism at all. Btw do you think he could be over the limit still at school/work run time? A bottle a night 😬

Edit. I forgot to refresh. Oh OP, if he would drink multiple bottles a night if he bought more than one is bad, really bad.

So, I have some experience with a similar dynamic. Your social interactions left him feeling pushed out/got at/the butt of the joke….

His communication left you feeling got at, sidelined, ignored, and like he was angry with you.

This is a two way thing and he has to agree to work at it as well. It sounds as if the expectation is that you will change, you will facilitate, you will support him in his various preferences.

He needs to stop being angry and nasty when he’s upset. He needs to know that the impact on you is enough to end the marriage, and he needs to shape up. Counselling, diagnosis, and addressing his dependence on alcohol.
He’s currently using autism/trauma as an excuse rather than using them to understand himself better and manage things better.

The thing is if he doesn’t have, and hasn’t sought, a diagnosis of autism then he’s really just exhibiting anti social behaviour and it sounds like you have started to appease him by responding in a jokey way. That’s a vicious cycle of poor communication and fear of the consequences of upsetting him. You are allowed to have friends and socialise in your home, he maybe masking trauma or ND with alcohol but it doesn’t make for a happy life for you or your child so the responsibility to seek help is his.

A man I know suspected he had autism. Went through all the tests and was diagnosed. But it hasn’t made any difference. Maybe his wife can be more understanding. But she knew he was autistic anyway and made lots of allowances.

if he won’t go to couples therapy then I think you’ve every right to offer an ultimatum - couples therapy or separation.

something here has to change or you’ll end up living like you’re treading on eggshells.
An ultimatum might shake him up.

He did nor call the OP C... He sad she was treating him like a C...

Impossible to say if your husband is on the autistic spectrum, based on his self diagnosis, or what you have posted, it would need to be properly assessed.

There are plenty of other possible explanations. It does sound as though he dislikes you and has checked out of the marriage.

He sounds pathetic, the probable autism excuse has been done to death, he’s just rude and obnoxious and using it as an excuse. Tell him to stop acting like a man child or find somewhere else to live.