DH angry about my behaviour at playdate

I don’t know but I don’t think not always reacting in the same way to people or events is a uniquely autistic thing. How we feel on any given day and how much resilience or energy we have to deal with a stressor is not always the same. Things like hunger, tiredness, hormones, illness etc can affect how we feel. For me how easily I can cope with social interaction and change will depend a lot on what I have already been doing that day, I am high masking in my day-to-day life but that takes a lot of energy and some days when I’ve had to navigate a lot of social interactions or something unexpected has happened that I’ve had to navigate I come home and have no energy to manage even the simplest social demand or change.

is As I said, I can be this way even with my own friends who I have invited over sometimes even though obviously I am comfortable with them. It’s not about the individual person, it’s about my ability as an autistic person to cope with the social demands, to communicate or read the situation or to cope with a change of routine. That ability can vary day to day or situation to situation. It’s the case with a lot of disabilities that functioning can fluctuate based on other factors.

I can’t say which combination of factors may have led him to be this way. Maybe the friend isn’t usually around in the evening and it doesn’t usually affect his routine in the same way. Maybe he’d had a stressful day already navigating change or social situations and just needed to switch off. Maybe he was more tired than usual. Maybe the play date wasn’t communicated to him far enough in advance for him to feel prepared. Maybe he’d isn’t usually in a situation where he is sober and the people he’s interacting with are drinking. Maybe something else, I don’t know! I wasn’t aware it was a neurodivergent thing to react differently to things on different days based on the situation or mood and if that’s genuinely not something you’ve ever experience then that is a bit mind-blowing to me!

Sorry, I thought I had quoted but it’s disappeared - please see my above post in response to this question.

YANBU about his general behaviour.
But making jokes at my expense is what my DH does. It's not cool. I usually call him out on it but it gets tiresome. If your DH is socially awkward you are just making things worse for him.

Apologies, don't know which post I picked that up from.

Maybe not intentional but comes across as 'aren't you silly for thinking that I have forgotten or not bothered to look after the pets/children'.

Oh, for goodness sake.

This
I would leave him
no intimacy
mardy, silent treatment
alcoholic

why on earth would you even want to salvage this? I know I wouldn’t!! Life is too short!

He's just annoyed that you gave some time and attention to someone other than him. What a big baby.

I would say that your husband has a high level of anxiety, which often can go hand-in-hand with Autism. However, Autism or not, it's not a blank card to treat people like shit and it shouldn't be used as an excuse to do so.

Your husband refuses to seek a proper diagnosis from a professional, he refuses to see a therapist either for his trauma or to help his marriage, and no doubt he'd refuse help to stop drinking too.

All of the above is your husband's responsibility to address; you can't 'fix' him. You need to stop enabling his drinking, by refusing to buy the alcohol. You need to tell him, that he's dependent on the alcohol to function, and therefore is an alcoholic.

If he won't help himself, then for your daughter's sake, you need to end the marriage.

Poor little girl living with an abusive alcoholic.

The costant reference to Autism pisses me off on MN.

He's an abusive nasty arsehole whom may be autistic.

You and your child are being controlled and abused.

You need to put your child first and get away from this nasty prick.

Perfect response 👌

YANBU - he shouldn’t be sulking and rude like this. I also think that his drinking is out of control and part of the problem too.

But with regard to your jokes, I can see how he felt upset by them. The first comment about ‘not a child in the house being fed’ could have come across as you putting him down or making a joke to make your friend laugh rather than interacting with your DH normally. It’s like you played to the audience to get a laugh at his expense after he’d come in and asked a perfectly reasonable question. These kind of comments have upset me before. It’s like the person you’re talking to isn’t being themselves. You should just have said something like, “No, sorry. I haven’t got anyone any food yet. I’ll sort DD’s in a moment, but it would be great if you could feed the dog, please 😊 “

Him saying “You always do this” could be a comment on him feeling pushed out because you ‘change’ and make jokey comments rather than talk to him normally.

I know you’ve mentioned autism but could he also be depressed? My ex was depressed but it showed as anger and grumpiness not sadness.

He said he was just "sad" because I ignored him and didn't interact enough with him when my friend was there. He said he felt invisible.

Hypocrite. He buggers off as soon as your friend arrives, isn't even polite, but when he thinks someone else has had your attention for too long and he wants it back on him YOU didn't interact with HIM enough.

Selfish mardy hypocrite.

I can vaguely see how he might of felt awkward with your first comment about nobody being fed, like you two had a joke going and he wasn't included but it's a stretch to see it that way and he said it was your tone he was offended by. He's awkward and that was an awkward situation for him.

How can he take your daughter to the zoo but he can't buy himself wine in a shop? Why is he buying a bottle a day instead of ordering ten bottles from Sainsburys.

If he's had childhood trauma that sucks but as a loving Dad (he sounds like he is in his own way) can he think it's okay to function as he is in front of his daughter? Have you thought up until now that him drinking that much is okay? I can't imagine buying my partner a bottle a day and being okay with that. I would be long gone at that point.

He would possibly benefit from anti anxiety medication. He sounds autistic, didn't you have clues before DD?
I would have a very frank calm discussion with him regarding him not helping himself and I would end the relationship, you're not having sex etc you're just bad room mates, what's the point? Your daughter isn't benefiting at this point. What a sad situation. Good luck.

I had ds1 with a man like this. He couldn’t stand it when I spent time with friends. Would always pick a fight. He too had a difficult childhood. He also drank too much and got nasty. He was very insecure and jealous. He couldn’t change. He was too old. One night after I’d been out with friends he beat me up. Just bear it in mind because your experience sounds so familiar.

I would hate to be young nowadays. Every tom, dick and harry is self diagnosing themselves with any random affliction that abdicates them of acting like a responsible adult. Worse still, they expect the few sane rational people left to go along with their charade. Don't get me started on self medication through alcohol or weed.

Personally I refuse to engage with anyone who has not been professionally assessed. I suggest you do the same Op.

He doesn't like you having friends at all, so wants to stop you seeing them. How does he cope at work when he has to interract with people.

Autism has nothing to do with this.
He drinks to much and obviously wants to make it so you dont have people in your house.
Its very simple.
He controls the household the mood the tone and only you can change it. He wont change.
Stop blaming Autism

I could not have said it better - 100%

The self-diagnosis card, thus feeling no one can ever be held accountable for their actions, is exhausting on the rest of us who see it for what it is.

I can see how someone overly sensitive would take your jokey responses negatively. I would draw a very firm boundary around expecting him to access trauma therapy if he wants to stay living with you and your child. Internal Family Systems therapy is very good, also EMDR.

An autism diagnosis would help a little but the major issue is his immaturity stemming from childhood trauma. It’s not fair on you and your child if he uses alcohol instead of dealing with his issues head on.

He uses you @Plastictreesofgold to get his daily fix. He is most definitely an alcoholic imo. Stay strong , OP, and look after you