DH angry about my behaviour at playdate

He will only get worse and it sounds pretty awful for you and your DD already. Do you still love him and want the marriage to work? If deep down its a no then you have to separate.

Honestly, I’m pretty shocked you’ve been buying him a bottle a night with a 6 yr old at home. It’s as bad as getting drugs for him.

My mum still does this for my dad at Christmas- makes it nicer for us all and they’re both in their 70’s now. A parent like this leaves a lasting impact on the child- don’t underestimate that.

it sounds to me as he wouldn’t want much custody of your dd if you split, do you think he would?

He made himself look a tit, with his negative energy and running upstairs like a teenager when parents friends come round. He doesn't need wine to destress, he could find a healthier coping mechanism. He's selfish and his behaviour affects the mood of thr whole house but he can clearly only look at how everything else effects HIM.

You said in your OP that you don’t see your friends often, why is that? Please prioritise seeing them, you need them.

Your husband sounds horrible and he’s got an alcohol problem. He was angry with you because you were having fun and because you were drinking and he wasn’t. It’s no way to live your life.

I don’t blame you for enabling his alcohol problem, he sounds like a miserable bugger when he’s sober. However, you know this isn’t sustainable and it’s not fair on your child to have a dad who drinks that much.

He won’t go to therapy soon you’re going to have to start planning to leave him.

He's an alcoholic who hates you.

You should just leave and offer EOW

If you are adamnat you cant face separating/ time away from your child....

You need to toughen the fuck up (pardon my french) but you cannot stay and be going around thinking things like "Its made me not want to have anyone over"

Youll be a shell of yourself in a year or two.

You need to buckle in and be bullet proof.

he seems to have no interest in leaving move in separate bedrooms.
Let him crack on with drinking himself to death and do what suits you.

Get active in socialising, join clubsand buildnout your friendship group, take dd out on day trips or short breaks minimise her contact eith his awfulness.

do all this through the bullshit lens of helping make things easier for him / to "give him a break from masking" be bland be smile be Teflon be tough as nails about it.

Personally id leave - he sounds like he'll have little to no interest in access especially if you play it cool act accommodating

I personally think the autism and bad childhood is bullshit and it doesnt matter to some degree the reality is he is absolutely firm in his refusal to meet you half way. You either work around it very firmly or you leave.

He was just jealous that you’d had wine and he couldn’t! He is very likely an alcoholic.
Don’t get any more wine for him, see if he manages to pull himself together to get it - that will be your answer!

Yes this is how I read it and how it would be interpreted in my world too.

I think there are many many things at play here, possibly on both sides, and if splitting up is better for your DD in the long run then do that. You might have to put your DD first over what you want.

I get that you don't want to not see her every day, or share custody but if it is a choice between :

a) her frontal lobe forming in this environment therefore programming her to seek or do the same for herself as an adult.
or;
b) splitting to give her a better chance (even though you'd prefer not to change anything)

then I think it would have to be option b.

But that's just me. I'm not a parent, I just observe what I see in the world around me.

I think he was annoyed that you drinking and having fun So he decided to make himself feel better by making you feel like shit. He sounds horrible

Btw I am also autistic, last night we spent an evening with dhs friends . I struggle socially although I’m close to one of his friends wives. I had a ok time and could have happily left after about 2 hours but dh was really enjoying himself so we stayed until everyone started leaving (around 5 hours) I drove so dh could drink ( he did offer to pay taxis)

Every autistic person is different and I do have some non negotiables (mostly around food) but you do have to learn some techniques to make you aware of how your feeling/ make sure you take time out to replenish yourself. Find things that work for you. Him going upstairs because he would struggle with small talk, as long as he said hello and was polite that’s fine but being angry at you fir having fun is unacceptable.

He must be over the limit the next day, each day surely? And he’s been driving your child around?

He sends you out to the shop every night to buy his alcohol? So as far as the shop staff are concerned they probably think you are the alcoholic. Be careful, he may know you are thinking of ending things and be trying to cast you as an unfit parent. Maybe I’m being paranoid here, but men in this situation can be very devious. Tell him to buy his own alcohol in future.

She said he drinks a bottle almost every night! I’d call that a drinking problem. It will affect his behaviour whether he’s actually drinking in the moment or not.

Why won’t he go to the shop himself? That’s weird in itself!

If he won’t get help or isn’t even willing to try please put yourself and your daughter first and leave.
From experience he won’t change and will make everyone’s lives miserable. Whatever the issue is, you can’t spend your daughter’s childhood trying to fix it. My mum didn’t leave a similar man and is still dealing with it now. Put your daughter first and leave. I can guarantee he won’t want 50/50 custody. If you can just keep it to one day a week, he can’t look after her properly drinking that much anyway.
He isn’t bringing anything good to either of your lives.

A bottle of wine 5 nights a week indicates a heavy, definitely harmful and possibly dependent drinker. There is a validated test here https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/tools/drinking-check#/overview It sounds to me like alcohol has become a coping mechanism for his trauma and/or his autism. I wonder if his anger was actually about your lack of availability to help him access alcohol and about you drinking alcohol
he couldn’t have? This sounds so unhealthy for all of you.

And it would make me refuse to do favours for someone if they spoke to me like he did to you.

I would tell him clearly that you will no longer be going out to buy him wine if that is how he behaves towards you.

I would also be saying a whole lot more about his general attitude and the drink problem he clearly has. Alcohol is not a solution to problems. He is being immature and foolish if he persists in claiming it is.

Sounds like he’s an abusive alcoholic.
ignoring/ stonewalling you is abuse.

Is dd his? You refer to her as "my", not "our".

How does he manage work?

I had a husband who hated it if I had a good time with friends and would belittle me in some way to take the shine off my evening. He also used to get me to do things for him, claiming anxiety. When the wheels came off our marriage (his affair and subsequent behaviour) he insisted at a neighbour's bbq that I was responsible for getting his food. I refused and he went mad back at home. So I see similarities. I think you need to leave him.

He sounds like a prize bellend.

You dont need to interact with anyone to buy wine? I could go to any number of local shops near me to buy wine and run it through the self scanner - only someone would need to age verify which is hardly interaction. Just sounds like a lazy alcoholic.

I think yoir DH sounds like he’s got issues and he needs to get sorted.

However i would hate the response you gave him in front of a visitor. You belittled him. He mentioned that you always do it. You b ed to be honest with yourself about whether you do or not. Marriage counselling would help you both explore more. I hope you get to do so.