DH angry about my behaviour at playdate

I think you might have hit the nail on the head around the alcohol.

Was the playdate a last minute thing? Sometimes a bad reaction can just be due to not enough notice of having your space "invaded". Did you go into this with different ideas of what the expectations were?

My husband & kids are autistic and I think we would have done a few things differently. If it's a playdate it would normally be between the mums rather than a social expectation on my husband. He socialises with mums and dads but would leave us to chat in this situation. We'd have nipped up to offer him a drink when we made/opened one, and it would more likely be tea than wine.

I'd like to hear his side but equally why is the conversation just about your behaviour, not his? I think the key is looking further back and seeing what had already gone wrong, why he was (I suspect) already so cross before you made your joke.

That's appalling. You did absolutely nothing wrong. He was the one acting like a cunt.

I honestly don't think he sounds like the type you can reason with/ sensibly argued with when he's in that mood.

It's no excuse but could he have BPD? The outbursts of unreasonableness, the not wanting to socialise, pushing you away but seeming to want all your attention etc. They can be traits of it. And it's often triggered by childhood trauma.

Though having a diagnosis might make him think he can blame all his cuntish behaviour on it.

Honestly you need to think hard about this relationship. He needs to get some kind of help but if he refuses are you willing to live like this forever?

I think he was really annoyed when your friend arrived with a bottle of wine and he realised you would drink it with her and then obviously you couldn’t drive later to get him alcohol.
He realises this is wrong on his part so blames you for something else to make you suffer .
You can’t go from drinking a bottle a night to suddenly not having one .
When he realised this was going to happen he stropped off to the bedroom

Does he never go into a shop then? Or fill the car up with petrol? Or interact with people at work?
Stop buying him the wine and let him build up his resilience. He could go to a shop and use a self service till 🙄

It's pretty clear your OH is very unhappy. An official diagnosis won't really help.

The issue is whether the unhappiness is something to do with his past, or your relationship, or both, that's something to consider.

If the relationship is the issue, he might already have left emotionally, hence not wanting to do counselling, but might be staying only because he can't cope with the idea of not seeing your girl everyday.

You need to consider this and what it means for you.

@itsallgoodinthehood is right - it's not about what you did, it's about his realisation that he wouldn't get his bottle of wine. It's all about him and his addiction.

An arsehole looking for excuses to enable his arsehole behaviour

He sounds like an alcoholic who was upset you couldn’t buy him alcohol and he took it out on you.
It’s not you, it’s him

Autism in my family (one diagnosed others not diagnosed). What I have learnt is autism is complex and affects people differently. Have a Google and a read of autism shutdown and meltdown and see if any of it resonates.

I know alcohol is a way people with ADHD try to quiet the noise in their head. Any thoughts on whether ADHD might be an issue. The three adults in my family with autistic traits are not big drinkers at all.

It's very difficult for you if he won't engage with counselling or seek a diagnosis. How are things for him at work - do his autistic traits impact that.

You need to find a way to communicate so that he will listen and if you think he is autistic then do some research to see the best way to do that. The one thing I have learnt is you have to be very clear and direct.

My OH is almost certainly autistic and doesnt 'get' jokey banter, he almost always thinks you've said the opposite to what you've actually said, he only hears or processes either the start or end of sentences or discussions

I have no idea if any of this relates to your husbands but ASD is a social communication processing disorder and an inability to mange social interactions at times, lots of things seem like offence of slights and yet sometimes their own comments are offensive but they cant see how that feels for the other person too

At the end of the day it is impossible to live with so I would be looking at ways to leave.

Autistic or not he's an arsehole.

Don't isolate yourself further. My exH behaved so rudely if I tried to have friends round that I stopped inviting them over as I didn’t want them feeling awkward…I didn’t realise it was a way to keep me controlled and diminished.

You’ve become acclimatised to accepting pretty pathetic excuses for things - he can put an online grocery delivery in and include his alcohol in that, he can go to self-service scanners in shops, he can choose to do without. Don’t enable him.

How he behaves is damaging, to you and also to your daughter growing up in this environment as believe me she is aware of his behaviour being not-right already. I was the daughter of an alcoholic, a really decent man in every other way but an alcoholic, and it’s incredibly hurtful and very dangerous.

Think about this - you have previously left her with him and felt the need to say to him not to drink. And you think you could tell if he lied. Don’t risk her, work towards leaving him for her sake.

I understand exactly how your DH felt with your stupid jokes. I am autistic and very literal so if you said that to me I would be very upset

She said he drinks a bottle of wine 5 nights a week. Unsure if he was drinking the day she’s talking about. He’s abusive @Plastictreesofgoldup to you whether you stay. I wouldn’t.

How on earth did you fall in love with someone like this?

Have I read this right? He has diagnosed HIMSELF with autism?

So he might simply be an alcoholic twat hell bent on making sure you're as unhappy as possible?

And if he does happen to be autistic , imo he's an autistic alcoholic twat hell bent on making sure you're as unhappy as possible

Get rid of him. You will be so much happier without him

Yep! ☝️

I think having your own child does bring out issues about your own childhood, but taking those issues out in your partner is a choice. I understand the concern about not being there to look after your child if you split but she's 6. She can tell you if there's a concern and you can deal with it.

He is showing contempt and you can't fix that unless he wants to.

It pisses off autistic people and our children etc who haven't suddenly turned on the traits, because of a birth of a child etc. If anything, most of us force ourselves to be in situations we hate (mix at children's paties/go to craft afternoons at the school). We force ourselves to expand our diets, for a social life, or our children's social lives and don't start me on putting up with being wet/sand/glue/handing beans etc.
Your DH is looking for excuses. Was he in a special needs setting during childhood? Did he manage work ok? How did you meet? He wasn't anxious then.
He's a grumpy, functioning alcoholic because he can be. He drops it with your DD because you will allow your DD to vote with her feet and he wants a relationship with her. He isn't bothered if you two have a relationship, he has his wine. I hope peri menopause hits soon, you'll see him for who he is and fuck him off. It might coincide with your DD being an age to be able to decide if she sees him. The birth of a child makes some men think they've got their partner where they want them and they think they can behave however they like.

They weren’t directed at him though. If anything they were self deprecating.

There seems to be a desperate trend from MN users at the moment to put a label on their shit choices of life partners, because that's apparently easier than accepting you picked a dud He's not autistic, he's gas lighting you into believing his poor behaviour is a medical condition and he's got a serious drinking problem - this "autism" of his is likely his brain being flooded with all the toxins that his liver isn't processing properly.

I suggest you stop focusing on his behaviour and get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting so you can meet others who are going through the same and get some support. Because right now, you are enabling this man and likely ruining the life of your DC. And stop buying him alcohol, immediately. Do not ever buy it him again. See how long his phobia of interaction lasts then.....

Oh and obviously drinking that amount is a concern which you can raise when making child arrangements.

You didn't treat him like a cunt, ,he was acting like one .
He reminds me of my ex. It doesn't get better.

How are either of these responses belittling him though ? The first was just admitting she hadn't done anything for the dog or child. The second was saying they haven't been talking about the same thing the whole time. Both read to me as if she is being self deprecating if anything. How do you read them as belittling him?

• 3.5hrs once to ask me if the dog was fed. I joked " we got carried away sorry no, not a child in the house washed or fed"
• and the second time he came back from walking the dog I was in the middle of telling my friend a story about something we had been discussing when she first arrived and when he came in I said "I promise we've chatted about other things too haha" he was otherwise silent when he came into the room.

And abusive